Brown U. Students to Party Girl Malia Obama: Sorry for Narcing You Out, Please Come Here Anyway
The Brown University student newspaper, the Daily Herald, is very sorry that Brown students shared photos of 17-year-old Malia Obama in the general vicinity of a pyramid of red Solo cups that may or may not have been used for beer pong (which the First Daughter may or may not have been playing).
The Herald’s editorial board concedes that Brown’s student body collectively has “no chill,” and sympathizes with Malia’s desire to “enjoy herself at a party without several news headlines coming out about it the next day.”
Although the op-ed points out that various students were criticized by their peers for snitching Malia out on Twitter, they leave out the biggest offender: whoever sent that Snapchat photo to the Daily Caller. When “no chill” is inevitably added to the Oxford English Dictionary, its entry will be printed alongside a drawing of some goofus Snapchatting perfectly good gossip to Tucker frickin’ Carlson.
“While the chances of her selecting Brown have probably decreased since the publication of those articles, if she does ever come back to Brown, hopefully next time we will ‘have more chill,’” write the dweebs who likely blew their shot at attracting Malia to their Class of ‘20.
You blew your shot, dweebs.
Malia is also said to be considering Yale, Harvard, Princeton, Columbia, Stanford, Berkeley, NYU, Barnard, and Wesleyan. And Tufts. Why not?
