Unlike former Sexiest Man Alive Bradley Cooper, current Sexiest Man Alive* Chris Hemsworth embraces his sexiness, manliness, and alive-ness by doing silly shit like engaging in a water war with Jimmy Fallon while wearing a thin, white dress shirt.

Oprah Winfrey massaged the prostate ego of Hugh Jackman on last night's episode of Oprah's Next Chapter. Did you ever know that he's her hero? He's one of her all-time favorite people. Watching him live his life they way he does makes her want to live hers on a higher vibration. Also, she loves his abs so much so that discussions of them framed their sit-down.

Last year, longtime Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko was let go, reportedly because bosses tired of his "relentless self-promotion." Zinczenko was hired by AMI to revamp its smaller Men's Health rival, Men's Fitness. And now, former colleagues are grumbling that Zinczenko is doing little more than ripping off Men's Health for his new venture.

This brash young zoot-suiter Justin Bieber had better learn something more than baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby—he had better learn some respect. Respect for rules. Respect for society. Respect for propriety. Here a nice young man like Justin is, parading around without a shirt on, torso unclad as you please. We fear that one more promising young man has fallen prey to the lure of orgiastic fashion malefaction.

It seems damn hard to get in shape these days. First, Americans were devastated to learn that LapBandVip.com billboards would not turn them into fitness models; now, in another crushing blow to people who want to exercise in their living rooms with a bare minimum of effort and subsequently bear a strong resemblance to John Basedow, it seems the Ab Circle Pro is not the magical device that was promised.

According to TMZ, Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, that married pair of perfect people, are "living apart." Just shows you that, no matter what Men's Health says, abs like that aren't enough to keep a woman that good.

Andrew Fashion—the web entrepreneur who earned and blew $2.5 million before his 22nd birthday—took a break from his career of model networking, dating advice and glamour photography to discuss his sex life, facial hair, and net worth.

Despite what Alessandra Stanley might think, special guest stars are definitely one of the highlights of a lot of great primetime TV. That being said, tonight's Grey's featured powerhouse performances by Frances Conroy and Jesse WillIams', um, "Situation."

"Abs in a Box." Abs in a tube. Ab makeup. Ab surgery. America! Abdicate your ab addiction!

Drunk in the gym! Greedy-ass yoga! Ab assistance! Chocolate for your health! Pro athletes without athletics! And the Twitter diet, phase two! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—but not in that skeevy David Barton way!

Injuries are nothing! Soda is nothing! Ab rollers are nothing! Our quote of the day will strengthen you! It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch fitness—while deadlifting properly!

Illustrious Doubleday book publishing exec Julie Grau takes to the pages of Vogue this month to muse about her "definitive ab-sculpting workout": "On the floor, we pretzel our legs and torque our bodies through an array of exercises that Tanya promises will 'fry the fat off your hips' and get rid of unsightly waistband overhang." Sorry Julie, spot reduction of fat is a myth. I'm surprised you didn't know that. You can read about it in a book. [NYO]

Passion: it's a word. But for Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko, it's a word! That exclamation point represents passion—Dave's passion for his book, Eat This, Not That! Yesterday we heard the rumor that Dave, Julia Allison's old boyfriend, was looking for a new publicist to get him back on the Today show (he said no, only his magazine is hiring a publicist, not him). And we hinted at the existence of an internal email in which Zinczenko grandiosely compared his ab-centric book to "Barak [sic] Obama." Well now that email, from February, is in hand! "Who had a better last three weeks-Barak Obama, or Eat This, Not That? Crazy, audacious comparison, I know, but stay with me here." Okay, go:

Remember when A.C. Slater used to strut around The Max in his orange short shorts and sweat-drenched wrestling muscle tees? All while dousing the rest of the cast with the greasy goo dangling from his curly mullet? And how much it kinda grossed you out to the point where you decided from then on you would never, under any circumstances, be attracted to dimpled, mullet-wearing wrestlers? Well, Defamer would like to officially announce that things have changed. Mario Lopez is no longer a bicycle-pants wearing meathead, he's a bonafide contestant for Best Male Body In The Universe. And he's got a new workout book to prove it! But we decided to go ahead and compare the original AC to the new and improved Mario, just to clarify exactly how far he's come. The before and afters, in all their muscly glory, after the jump:

Ab-obsessed Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko is busy promoting his new book, which should be called "A List Of Foods For Healthy, Stupid People To Eat." Washington Post pseudotrend specialist Laura Sessions Stepp caught up with Zinc [WP], who, now that he's not busy wrestling with Julia Allison, has plenty of time to fill humanity in on the areas of his expertise: Abs, vanity, and how Maxim sucks!

• Holy crap, Ian Urbina did a lot of work in this piece on kids who just want to sell magazines but wind up hanging out with meth-addicted prostitutes. Only 11 months and one week until the next Pulitzer deadline! [NYT]
  

Michael Stoppelman, brother of Yelp CEO Jeremy Stoppelman, is in no danger of being called a manly-man. The Google coder and occasional male model is apparently competing for the wussy title of BlissGuy, in a contest held by swanky Bliss Spa. (The winner becomes the "face" of Bliss' soon-to-be released men's line, a year's worth of products and facials, and a meeting with a model scout.)

Yul Kwon's superhuman abs defeated all comers in the 13th season of CBS' unsinkable reality show, Survivor. (Which we watched, so there.) The Chronicle buries the lede twenty paragraphs down: