People these days are drinking less soda, because that shit will kill you. Hey asshole: that’s all over now. Because Coca-Cola has a new slogan—and marketing strategy—that you need to know about—right now—amazing.

Close your eyes. Go to a quiet place. Now, imagine Coca-Cola. What do you see? Do you see a triumvirate of separate and distinct brands with disparate brand halos united under the marketing slogan, “Open Happiness?”

Try getting up to date on things—idiot.

Open Happiness? More like Open Goodbye—to that old slogan. Coca-Cola is futurizing its strategic vision with a brand new slogan, now. Do you want to know what it is? For the mere price of a “click” on this particular blog post, you are about to learn. You are about to learn right now.

“Taste the Feeling.”

That’s not just an order from me directed to you—that’s the new slogan, of Coca-Cola. Is it just the new slogan of one single brand vertical of the Coca-Cola corporation but not the other brand verticals? Ridiculous!!!! Because Coca-Cola’s new CMO is shaking things up—but don’t try that with a Coke, haha! (Bubbles.)

Ad Age has secured a heart-rending personal interview with Marcos De Quinto, the Coca-Cola CMO who is overseeing this difficult and transformative time in the history of Coca-Cola Sloganeering. Keep a box of Kleenex-brand tissues nearby as you read this account of De Quinto delving deep into the emotional rationale for the new approach to marketing this particular variety of brown sugar water:

In the interview, Mr. de Quinto explained the one-brand approach visually. He used cans of Coke, Diet Coke and Coke Zero, as well as one of the brand’s mascots, a small stuffed polar bear, to represent the Coke consumer. He placed the bear next to a can of Coke and then put cans of Diet Coke and Coke Zero several feet away.

Loyal consumers, he said, “always have loved the brand Coca-Cola.” But “there are moments when this consumer wants to reduce their sugar intake.” In those cases, Coke was forcing people to buy into a completely separate identify, he explained, referring to the distant Diet Coke and Coke Zero cans.

Bravo, sir. I feel like I am there.

Bravo.

Elsewhere the story notes that Coca-Cola will also have “one TV ad that includes a cover of the Queen and David Bowie song ‘Under Pressure’ that showcases Coke as a way to release everyday tensions faced by teens.” Bravo to that as well, for helping our young people.

Taste the Feeling.

Marcos De Quinto is paid a $750,000 base salary per year along with an incentive payment of even more than that and a $300,000 expatriate allowance and a $2.5 million stock grant and I hasten to say that he has earned every penny of it in one bold stroke—of feeling.

Coca Cola beverage.

[Photo of Coca-Cola brand strategy presentation: Flickr]