· There are still more than two days left in an eBay auction for Angelina Jolie's hairbrush, but if you've got $36,000 to burn and a potentially fatal aversion to delayed gratification, you can Buy It Now! [via A Socialite's Life]
· These video clips of Lindsay Lohan and Paris "Don't Call Me Mr. Hilton" Latsis entering Koi separately clearly indicate that the two tabloid-friendly stars will soon be involved in a relationship of a sexual nature.
· Likewise, these pictures of an inebriated-looking Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson partying in Canada obviously reveal that the two actors are carrying on an affair.
· An idea whose time has come: The Defense Against Celebrity Marriage Amendment.
· Sure, you can spend a couple of minutes playing Waxhoff online and have a few giggles. But for less than the cost of some appetizers at TGI Friday's, we bet you could get the real Hasselhoff to let you wax his chest. Not that he needs the money, he just loves his fans that much.

· Angelina Jolie proposes an ambitious adopt-a-landmine program for Iraq. God, we hope she doesn't try to give one a mohawk. The resulting People spreads would be horrific.
· Jealous of Rupert Murdoch's recent MySpace acquisition, ultra laid-back Viacom execu-dude Tom Freston totally paid $49 million or whatever for iFilm, whenever he gets around to signing off on the paperwork. Get it? he's laid back, man.
· It's almost like Boy George never had a male hustler come over and try to rob him before. Hell-oooo! Amateur hour!
· Not content with revolutionizing the energy drink market, Steve Seagal turns his attention to saving the Delta blues.
· And just because it's Friday afternoon and you've been so well behaved all week, here's a possibly stale link to a nipple slip from a Laguna Beach cast member (NSFW). Don't say we never did nothin' for ya.

• More on the Boy George cocaine bust: He apparently called the cops after a male prostitute tried to rob him, at which point the cops found the coke. Because where there's a hooker, there's blow of one sort of another. [Page Six]
• Angelina Jolie stops humping Brad Pitt just long enough to speak out against mining the Iraq border, then threatened to adopt all Iraqi orphans if her requests were not met. [R&M]
• While Kate Moss twiddles her thumbs in rehab, the father of her child, Jefferson Hack, has possession of the little girl and a brand new modeling contract on Savile Row. [Page Six]
• Why we'll always love MTV: In an episode of Date My Mom, a mother told a contestant, in Russian, that her daughter had a very big heart. The MTV subtitles, however, read, "There is no better piece of a- than my princess Anastasia." Six in one hand, half-dozen in the other. [Lowdown]

Don't worry, she was just browsing, not looking to take a tyke home. No competent international orphan broker would be foolish enough to let a kid go without first getting a bid from Angelina Jolie.

In today's "Lowdown" column., flacks for both George Clooney and Brad Pitt both openly question the veracity of a tip that NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove received from his favorite Italian ferry operator. Clooney, they assert, will not be playing host to Pitt and Angelina Jolie's nonexistent secret Lake Como nuptial celebration:

Star breaks the Watergatian news today that Jennifer Aniston has taken to saying that Angelina Jolie looks like Gollum. Helpfully, the magazine then considers whether it's a reasonable charge.

• Italian tabloids are bubbling with news that Brad Pitt is planning to wed Angelina Jolie at George Clooney's Lake Como villa. We're not sure how true this is but, even if there's no wedding, we're sure there'll be celebratory lovemaking as they force an orphan into Clooney's possession. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Model Naomi Campbell continues to claw her way through Fashion Week, saving it from ennui up until the very last moment. For tonight's finale, Campbell has scheduled her Fashion for Relief charity show at the same time as Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. show, which was supposed to be the week's big closer, and Stefani's rather pissed. We're not even sure who's in the wrong here, but this bitching certainly does feel oh-so-right. [Page Six]
• Photographer Dave LaChapelle continues to rail against Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, which is about as controversial as hating the Holocaust. [Lowdown (last item)]
• So, uh, will French Vogue still let Kate Moss guest edit their December/January issue? [Page Six]
• If God is truly dead, then Michael Jackson has arrived in NYC. [Fox411]

Now that Angelina Jolie has saved newly adopted daughter Zahara from a life of poverty and starvation in Ethiopia, it's time to start instilling Hollywood's notion of a healthy body image in the little bundle of joy:

After months of painstaking preparations, the plan had finally come together. The marital strife played out in the unwittingly complicit tabloids, the arty, portentous magazine spreads, the signing of the divorce papers, and, lastly, the public face-mashing session with a co-star with whom no sexual attraction was shared, all culminated in this moment. While Angelina Jolie was occupied by a demanding scene on the set of The Good Shepherd, Brad Pitt slipped into her trailer, scooped up the newly-adopted Ethiopian orphan in the crook of his arm, and coolly strode to a waiting limo, never succumbing to the adrenaline pumping through his heart. Within an hour, actor and and child would board a private jet headed for the West Coast, where he would reunite with Jennifer, his wife, his one and true love, and finally start that family they'd long talked about. No swollen belly, no stalled career. A perfectly plotted Mametian double-cross. Ang and Maddox, he thought to himself, They'll get over this, they're strong. There are other orphans. But this one's mine. No. Ours.

· Angelina Jolie will star in Robert Zemeckis's "performance capture" (think Polar Express) adaptation of Beowulf, which will likely result in an impressively life-like, but creepily hollow-eyed, affair with one of her simulated co-stars. [Variety]
· After joining Commander in Chief with a recurring role, Natasha Henstridge signs a one-year holding deal with Touchstone TV. That should allow them more than enough time to figure out how to work Henstridge's signature nude work (come on, you've watched Species like a hundred times) onto network television. [THR]
· Against all odds, Renny Harlin continues to work. [Variety]
· Tommy Lee Goes to College came in second to Big Brother on Tuesday night, but "pasasable grades" give NBC a glimmer of hope. Paticularly poignant is the scene in which Lee explains to a professor that he learned to read by carefully studying groupies' tattoos. [Variety]
· Last and definitely not least, very sad news (really): Pixar story head Joe Ranft died in a car crash Tuesday. There's also a nice tribute to him over at Jim Hill Media. [THR]

From time to time, we dip into the mail bag and turn over some blogspace to an opposing viewpoint. In response to our posts about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's recent trip to Lake Havasu, Arizona (in which the couple's local itinerary was recreated in painstaking detail, right down to Pitt's choice in IHOP breakfast). Writes "Disgusted with Your Story":

· On September 1st, legendary Variety columnist Army Archerd is retiring after 52 years...and Var is picking up Liz Smith...who thinks Peter Bart is flipping off the LAT...the cafeteria over at Sony is really underrated, we've always thought. (As this lame homage illustrates, that three dot thing is harder than it looks. Someone give Larry King a raise!)
· From Photoshop joke to reality: Brad Pitt is Maddox's daddy now.
· Ashton Kutcher's acting and producing careers win him the top spot on Teen People's Young Hollywood power list, as the magazine conveniently ignores the fact that Kutcher is actually 47 years old.
· Hey, underwater unicorn!
·Ugg hatred wasn't dead, it was just sleeping.
· Whether this story is true or not, it's almost enough to make us feel bad for Scott Stapp. But then we remember the tune of "Arms Wide Open," and oh, how we laugh. One gets what one deserves after driving two hours to Gainesville to break off a piece of booty.

• Us Weekly reports that young Maddox Jolie is referring to his mommy's boy toy Brad Pitt as "Daddy," prompting Jennifer Aniston to bravely cry on cue for a whole new slew of magazine reporters. [Page Six]
• Teenadonna Lindsay Lohan may be allowed to videotape testimony for her parents' divorce trial. How long, then, until said tape gets leaked on the internet? [NYDN]
• Tom Cruise's first wife, Mimi Rogers, gets pissy when the British press ask her about Cruise's insta-romance with Katie Holmes. As if they were interviewing Rogers for any other reason. [Scoop]
• Jacko's lawyer says they're close to reaching a child custody settlement with the mother of his children, Debbie Rowe. Rowe's lawyer, at hearing this, asserts that no such thing is in the works. We're still not sure why Jackson's allowed to have children in the first place, nevermind fight for them in court. [R&M]

Breaking! The intrepid reporters of Access Hollywood have succeeded where the Lake Havasu Today's News-Herald failed, correcting the local paper's maddeningly vague coverage of Brad Pitt's IHOP breakfast. Reports Zap2it.com:

Thanks to the News-Herald and its Havasunews.com, stalkers fans of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can recreate virtually every minute of the couple's trip to Lake Havasu earlier this week, which "electrified" the town:

The LAT explores the process of celebrity photographer Steven Klein, whose infamous 58-page spread in W magazine depicted the Mr. and Mrs. Smith era (i.e. "we're just friends, not ferocious lovers") Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as a horny suburban couple surrounded by genetically perfect mini-Pitts, and discovers that Klein didn't have to try too hard to get his subjects to exercise their acting chops for the shoot:

At this very moment, countless numbers of piping hot, spanking new issues of Us Weekly and Star are hitting the newsstands. Both issues are bursting with the news of Angelina Jolie's latest decision to move in with Brad Pitt (just as friends, we're sure), but who do we credit with breaking this business? Surely it's becoming a minute-by-minute competition, where winners are determined at individual newsstands. Us wins at Lafayette and Spring, but Star just might take 59th and Lexington if the clerk's stocking schedule plays out right.

In preparation for today's upcoming Gawker Hotties, New York Times edition smackdown, we've closed the polls on Monday's extremely important debate on the power of Robert Novak's fleshy folds versus those of Angelina Jolie. Despite Gawker's opinion that the outcome should be completely reversed, we thank all of you for your overwhelming participation.

Cast your vote and weigh in on the issues that matter!

Page Six reports that an interview with Jennifer Aniston for Vanity Fair will finally solve the "mystery" of her break-up with Brad Pitt. And it wasn't because she didn't want to interrupt her career with a wombful of Pitt's freakishly perfect genes, because she totally wanted that: