Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's handlers can go through the public charade of booking the couple into separate hotels until Mr. and Mrs. Smith opens, but they can't stop the couple from indiscreetly ordering room service to replenish their energy levels for another round of filthy, furniture-rattling hotel porking. Says Page Six:
In an effort to focus on their upcoming movie and diffuse some of the tabloid heat generated by their recent African sex safari and Moroccan sex-bazaar quickies, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's handlers have booked them in separate hotels (such is the power of their sexual attraction that Pitt would drill a glory-hole in the wall with his genitals if they were housed in adjoining rooms) during a New York jaunt for some TV appearances. And just so everyone knows their people aren't fucking around about playing coy with the couple's relationship, Pitt's publicist broke the glass on her Emergency Flack Kit :
We noticed this raging debate on the tabloid racks while buying our Sunday morning bottle of Mad Dog.
Why does US Weekly insist on tearing asunder what In Touch and Oprah are trying so hard to build?
· "As the minstrel-accented pixie, he kept busting up the crew with his profane ad-libs over footage of Woods attempting a putt. ('Show 'em how n——r you are! Stick your d—k in the hole!')" Newsweek attempts to find out what's wrong with Dave Chappelle (pressure? drugs?), but only succeeds in making us miss his show even more than we already do.
· The LA Weekly's Nikki Finke pens a love note to the Huffington Post...if your idea of a love note involves having the recipient's heart ripped from their body and mailed to them in a box with a note that says, "Fuck you."
· Steven Spielberg weeps at a Star Wars screening, probably because he wished his summer blockbuster had docile actors and CGI characters instead of a star that's trying to convert his crew to Scientology.
· Doing voiceover in The Incredibles: just like fighting apartheid, but with better craft service!
· Angelina Jolie is headed back to Africa. This time, however, she's on a mission of peace, not a mission of noisy sex-making. [second item]
Lost in all the excitement over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's public sex tour through the jungles of Africa and Moroccan bazaars is the psychological effect a single mother's relationship can have on a child, especially one who's been saved from a Cambodian orphanage and transported to the fast-paced world of Hollywood. If young Maddox doesn't one day wind up clutching a sniper rifle atop the Paramount water tower, consider it a miracle.
Fresh off their hot, African safari of sexual sex-making that inspired locals to fear a lion-mauling took place in their bungalow, new Hollywood golden couple (sorry, Cruise-Holmes!) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie embarked on an erotic thrill-ride through Morocco, where Pitt is starting to shoot Babel. Rush and Molloy say People will say:
Not surpisingly, Brad Pitt and Angelina's Sexy African Beach Romp of Sexual Sex was not comprised entirely of chaste sand-castle construction and the babysitting of Cambodian adoptees. There was fucking involved. Oh, was there fucking! The kind of fucking that has guards scrambling for their machetes, ready to dispatch whatever animal was loudly mauling a guest at their resort. Star magazine gets the goods:
According to a People magazine poll (typing those words just shook loose a blood vessel in our brain), the public has drooled its assent for the sexual conjoining of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie by voting them the Most Beautiful of all the 50 Most Totally Beautifulest Peoples In All The World. Jolie's already telling adorable stories about her lovah in the rag:
In a shocking turn of events that nobody possibly could have seen coming, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were photographed together while on a Shocking! Sex-tryst! In! Africa! (So alarmingly carnal was their sexual safari that Maddox Jolie was along to chaperone.) Photos of the couple's bumpy Jeep ride through the sweat-drenched jungles of passion appeared in the British Sun and are headed to US Weekly (rumored pricetag: five kajillion dollars and a dozen poached elephant tusks), but are already streaming through the internets. Don't stare too long on the bronzed bodies of the two sand-encrusted lovers, lest your retinas be seared by their smoldering genitals.
It's a little unusual to see The Agent Dance official mascot Ari Emanuel's face on two different posts in a single day, but word around the agent bloodcooler is that Angelina Jolie has signed with CAA. There is no truth to the rumor (which we just invented right now) that Jolie signed with William Morris for five minutes, dumped them in disgust over Dave Wirtschafter's failure to mention her in his New Yorker profile, then signed with the new agency.
· The geniuses (we aren't using that term flippantly) who brought us Lohan Freestyle make a triumphant return with another certain hit, Jolie Homewrecker.
· Franklin Avenue's (and Variety's) Michael Schneider ponders the implications of Joel Stein's pilot for ABC: "What will happen to Stein's column if the show is picked up? It's just a once-a-week gig, so I suppose he could continue... but would that be just too much conflict of interest? Would you want a entertainment columnist who is working closely with divisions of News Corp. and Disney?" We're going to toss and turn thinking about this one tonight. [via LA Observed]
· When we saw Burt Reynolds' Super Bowl commercial, we asked the same question.
· The Malis in Wonderland blog bets a million bucks on The Wedding Date.
· My Blog Is Poop marinates in Swanklash, wondering how her movies might've been better if the real Karate Kid had done them.
· Trey Parker tells the Aristocrats joke, and it's absolutely filthy.
Say one thing about Oliver Stone's glorious flop-epic, Alexander: People are still talking about it. Now that the media's burned itself out talking about Alexander's moony stares into his lover's eyeliner-encircled baby blues, the disappointing lack of graphic eunuch-fucking, and Colin Farrell's follicular adventures with bleach, Angelina Jolie (perhaps the only good thing in the movie, excepting Rosario Dawson's sex scene) has now come under scrutiny. The LAT rounds up some of the prominent theories about Jolie's accent of mysterious provenance:
—Angelina Jolie shows considerably more pull than Tara Reid did in erasing pictures of a (small scale) wardrobe incident. Maybe it was the Oscar, or maybe it was the fact that her entire breast didn't plop out.
—This truly disturbing promotional video for Showtime's Fat Actress features Kirstie Alley devouring a huge bowl of spaghetti and jokingly requesting a Diet Coke to wash it down. We don't care how tongue-in-cheek it professes to be, it still made us want to swear off pasta (and eating, and television, and Cheers reruns) forever. [via IMDb]
—Rudy Huxtable is all grows up. All grows up!
—Finally, a case of celebrity exhaustion we can actually believe.
—Pee Wee's flack bans all mentions of "public masturbation" and "kiddie porn arrests" from his interviews. Well, that leaves a fascinating discussion of his role as a hairdresser in Blow or his super-flatulence in Mystery Men in play for reporters.
· Manhattan publicists Steven Hall and Sam Firer, owners of Thatbar, say their paperwork is in place to host five smoke-filled events this year as part of the city's exemption for promotional events. The first is May 11. [Page Six]
· Unik and Kiki, the Haitians who made Serafina so hot on Wednesdays, have taken over the former Chinghalle restaurant on Gansevoort Street and plan to reopen it as a nightclub. [Page Six]
· L.A. plastic surgeons say patients want Liv Tyler's lips, Halle Berry's eyes, Angelina Jolie's body, DiCaprio's cheeks, Russell Crowe's chin. [Cindy Adams]
· Blind item: "What visionary mother is interviewing potential new nannies because she left her partner for the last one?" ("That's too many mommies," one observer said wryly.) [NY Daily News]
· Flashback: Annie Leibovitz leaves Susan Sontag for the nanny. [Page Six]
· Tom Hanks, Angelina Jolie and "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson will not attend the Oscars. Harrison Ford, Cameron Diaz, Ren e Zellweger, Meryl Streep and Nicole Kidman are on the fence. [Page Six]
· Celebs that are attending the Oscars are ordering armored limos. [Page Six]
· R.J. Reynolds has come up with a cigarette called Eclipse, which produces no second-hand smoke, rendering smoking bans unnecessary. [Page Six]
