Seeking professional confirmation about an issue seemingly so obvious as to defy all questioning, namely that the baby produced by ab-rolling Ken doll Brad Pitt and exotic freak of beauty Angelina Jolie has a pretty good shot at being pleasant to look at, the AP asked some doctors for their board-certified opinions:
Never mind the question of whether this is really the most important issue about which to be polling your readers. The real travesty is that there's no "I don't begin to give a fuck" option. Alas.
• What's truly heartbreaking about Brad Pitt's forthcoming spawn, currently festering in Angelina Jolie's womb, is what the new baby will do to Jolie's two adopted children, Maddox and Zahara. Kids, say hi to your new, gorgeous replacement! [NYDN]
• Katie Couric's contract with the Today show isn't up until May, and she can't even negotiate with CBS until then. So she'd appreciate it if you'd just shut the fuck up about what's next and focus on her legs. [Lowdown]
• Why did Jessica Simpson and her boyfriend/father Joe get angry when George Lopez cracked jokes at Nick Lachey's expense? Was it because Lopez just doesn't have good delivery? [Page Six]
• Kate Moss' ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty pleaded guilty to cocaine and heroin possession. Hasn't this happened already, like, seven times? [R&M (last item)]
• Macauley Culkin is preparing to marry actress Mila Kunis. We salute her bravery. [IMDb]
• So who was the weepy blonde crackhead trying to crash an event at Alain Ducasse at the Essex House? Here's a hint: She's on this page. [Page Six]
Not that we didn't believe People and their double-"representative"-and-an-aid-worker sourced story from earlier today, but now that Pitt publicist Cindy Guagenti, whose job it is to creatively distort reality in accordance with her client's wishes, has copped to the knocking-up, we're feeling a little better about things. Strap yourselves in for two trimesters' worth of breathless, wall-to-wall coverage of every aspect of Jolie's pregnancy: two-page-spread analyses of her bump's visible development, stolen sonograms, and expert opinions on how the happy parents might best explain to Maddox and Zahara (and to all the other adoptation-ready infants of the world waiting for their turn at a Hollywood life) that just because Mommy and Daddy are making a baby of their own, they won't love them any less. Oh, the fun we're all going to have!
When two incredibly famous, incredibly good-looking movie stars engage in a mutually narcissistic, very-public-but-officially-denied love affair, and those two people have already crisscrossed the globe collecting adorable training-wheel orphans from which to cobble together a beautiful family, it's time for those movie stars to finally round out their brood with the product of their own maddeningly perfect genes. Yes, dear seekers, People now reports (double-sourced though both camps and through an aid worker in Santo Domingo, to boot) what everyone's been whispering about for weeks: that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are adding a Caucasian baby to their impossibly photogenic, Benetton-ad-quality clan via the quaint route of Jolie's own uterus. Somehow, though, we can't let ourselves be happy yet; the cutthroat glossies have punched ragged holes in our heart before with their exuberance to break these stories. Still, we're inclined to believe, and we sadly concede our office pool, in which we foolishly wagered that Pitt and Jolie would adopt Bengali and Inuit tykes before succumbing to the urge to go halfsies on their own offspring.
Determined to remind us all that it is the once and future king of celebrity shitstorms, People magazine has announced that Angelina Jolie has been inseminated with the insensitive seed of Brad Pitt, as confirmed by unnamed reps of both stars. Because she is nothing if not a shiv-toting earth mother, Jolie first told the news to a charity aid worker in the Dominican Republic. See? Now you can't hate her.
No sooner had we accepted the dreary reality that this town was downright free of surprises and goodies 'til the new year, what should appear beneath our Defamer non-denominational electrified seasonal shrubbery but a shiny, wrapped PrivacyWatch sighting of Zelig-like, proud new adoptive papa Brad Pitt! With child!
• We're glad the strike is over for myriad reasons, not the least of which is sparing us from thoughtless, insipid articles about how poorly we dressed just to stay warm. We're sure it was easy to pen crap like that from the comfort of your town car — did Daddy get you that job at the Styles desk? [NYT]
• Nothing a little anal bleaching can't fix. [CNN]
• The only difference we can think of between chick-flick staples Dermot Mulroney and Dylan McDermott is that we see one of them on the street all the time. The, uh, Irish one with the dark hair. [Fametracker]
• Of the five finalists for Jersey's new state slogan, "Love at First Sight" strikes us as the most misleading. [WCBS]
• Brangelina are rumored to have purchased Yves St. Laurent's $25 million Normandy coast summer home, where they will have wild, French animal sex. [The Daily]
• We're sorry, but a sorority just isn't a sorority if it calls itself "feminist." And sisterhood just isn't sisterhood unless you go down on a SigEp first. [Salon]
Illustrator Tom Umbarger recently hopped in his time machine, snatched this Christmas card from atop someone's mantel, and returned just in time to share the merry Yuletide wishes of America's favorite improvised family with all of us. We'd assumed that since Maddox is getting his punk phase out of the way so early in life that he'd move on to something else (Goth, perhaps?) in his teens, but the kid's obviously no toddling poseur. Even more unexpected is Pitt's transformation into a character actor and Jolie's disturbing foray into Meg Ryan territory.
We at Defamer realize some members of our readership may still have some disposable income left after buying out all the inventory in our t-shirt store, and we're committed to keeping these prized consumers informed of Hollywood's hottest retail deals. We've received word that bleeding-edge celebrity trend purveyor Kitson has slashed prices on its remaining inventory of Cambodian orphans (the much more popular "Zahara" line of Ethiopian babies sold out weeks ago—sorry, no rainchecks!) in hopes of finding the adorable, overstocked tykes (pictured above; mohawk kit sold separately) suitably fashionable homes before the holidays. As a special bonus, the first dozen shoppers to mention Defamer will also receive a "Team Jolie" tote bag, free of charge!
• Irish slutbunny Colin Farrell checks into rehab for "exhaustion" and an addiction to prescription painkillers. The pills were reportedly prescribed to him after he threw out his back, presumably from humping every chica in Miami. [Page Six]
• The fine fellow who claims to have Jenna Bush's ID after she left it in Chinatown inferno Happy Endings just happens to be a coke dealer. Bless this Bush twin for helping our local economy! [Radar]
• Are Brangelina shopping for a few architectual finds in Los Angeles? Reportedly they're looking at two homes for $10 million. [Lowdown (bottom of page)]
• But model Jenny Shimizu — who famously had a passionate tryst with Angelina Jolie — knows that not even Brad Pitt's architectural dilettantism can touch the depths of the ladies' sapphic love. [R&M]
• Madonna believes that if she were a man, she'd be president. She'd have to lose the faux-accent first, though. [Scoop]
• Proving their sense of humor to have no limits, Page Six refers to Star Jones's husband Al Reynolds as "manly." Manly like a big, thick beard. [Page Six]
· It's like the first three minutes of Sluts on a Plane, the best porno movie never made: Two cops arrive to arrest a pair of drunken, belligerent Playmates who've just terrorized the passengers of a two-hour plane ride with their intoxicated antics...the slurring vixens make "sexual advances" to avoid charges...and then get arrested anyway. That's why it'd never get made.
· No, it seems that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did not get married in Florida today, no matter what that radio DJ there said.
· Someone finally stepped forward to help Lindsay Lohan out with her appearance-cancelling digestive problems. Also, here's a pic of Lohan teaching A Prairie Home Companion co-star Meryl Streep the finer points of lip-syncing.
· At least it's not called Trading Races.
Imagine our surprise when the Hard, Cutting blog pointed out that a just-insane-enough-to-be-true joke we wrote about Mel Gibson's instantly controversial Holocaust project (and we self-quote: "While the baldfaced grab for controversy might seem utterly crass to us, ABC was powerless against the visionary Gibson’s breathtaking pitch for the miniseries’ climactic scene, a Braveheart-style battle with thousands of Jewish and Nazi combatants rushing at each other across an open field.") suddenly became, well, just insane enough to be reported as fact (and verbatim, no less) in a story by the Rupert Murdoch-owned The Australian:
Before the adoptions, before the Pakistani relief efforts, even before the official divorce, there were the pictures: our first unimpeded glimpses of the sexual sorcery sparking off "just friends" Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Steven Klein's W magazine pictorial the one that would famously "appall" Jennifer Aniston was pornography for mid-century modernist aficionados, styled to within an inch of its existence, and shot entirely inside a desert Camelot somewhere in Rancho Mirage. Now, that dream can be yours, for a buck shy of $3 mil:
• Rush and Molloy report that Jude Law and Sienna Miller are seen sucking face at Balthazar, while Page Six claims the two were having a screaming match outside the very same venue. Balthazar brings out a range of emotions in us, too.
• Angelina Jolie has nabbed herself a Cambodian citizenship and is spotted house-hunting with Brad Pitt in D.C. — finally giving our nation's capital a connection to pressing world issues. [Page Six]
• Crazy-ass Joaquin Phoenix now says he might leaving acting altogether. Is there any length he won't go to to promote Walk the Line? [Scoop]
• Jared Leto and Lindsay Lohan might not be such a hot item, as Leto was spotted with a hot blonde. Keep the faith, Lohan — Jason Lewis still loves you. [Page Six]
• Is Page Six darklord Richard Johnson the Inconsiderate Cell Phone Guy? [Lowdown]
It should be said that when she isn't shouting marching orders from her palace balcony to a sea of tiny Cambodian fists raised skyward, Angelina Jolie takes her role as U.N. goodwill ambassador very seriously. After attending a recent briefing with Brad Pitt, the couple announced to reporters they would be travelling to Pakistan to raise much needed awareness to the plight of quake survivors unprepared for the coming winter. But enough with the boring logistics tell us, Reuters, what were they wearing?
Jolie could barely suppress a delighted cackle as she greedily thumbed through the pristine pages of her new passport, for she knew that her 20,000 square foot gingerbread palace on the edge of a village just outside Phnom Penh was nearing completion, and soon (so soon), the children would come. All of them. Within a year, her pint-sized rebel army, simultaneously adorable and terrifying in their matching mohawks, would be properly trained, and after a short march to the capital, all of Cambodia would be hers.
Welcome to the premiere edition of Defamer Instant Message Theater (DIM Theater for short). On the bill today is the classic tragedy No Entrance, wherein two peons, the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of the studio lot if you will, share news of the Queens arrival, only to be turned away by an ignorant castle guardsman:
