Startup SaysMe, which will produce generic, re-brandable commercial video spots for local businesses and small-town politicians, has raised an undisclosed amount of funding from a group of venture firms, including Katalyst Films, home of male model-turned-VC Ashton Kutcher, as well as Intel and Prime Capital's funds. SaysMe's most direct competitor is Spot Runner, another production house which makes stock ads, customized to feature small businesses and placed on network and cable television. It can't possibly have a worse business plan than VOIP hardware maker Ooma, another startup anointed by Kutcher, can it?

As we put this week to bed, it's time to reflect, project, deflect and genuflect on the week that was...
· Big week for Gorgeous George Clooney. His passion project, Leatherheads,
disappointed at the box office (twice!), he was on the receiving end of a threatening phone call and his sand-loving girlfriend turned his bachelor pad into Yankee Candle outlet. Ah, who are we kidding? He can still pull digits with the best of 'em.
· Ellen Page butched it up on Leno and may (or may not!) have dissed Hanoi Jane.
· Certainly, Tom Cruise has had better weeks. MGM tried to spin Valkyrie's second release date pushback as a B.O. ploy, but we knew better.
· Artie Lange and Charlton Heston both had shitty weeks, too. Artie resigned from the Howard Stern Show and Charlton, well, he died.
· The hackiest hack that ever hacked, Uwe Boll, found himself on the wrong end of an online petition that might just end his career (fingers crossed!). Howevs, he was able to leverage the power of the internet to fight back ... twice!
· It was Musical Chairs week at Hollywood's biggest talent agencies. Bob DeNiro bolted from CAA (spurring a hilarious poison pen post from the Death Star), Nick Stevens led one of "the biggest agent migrations in years" when he bolted from UTA to Endeavor and a finch with a mean streak wreaked havoc at CAA shortly after Ashton Kutcher became the agency's newest client.
· Teri Hatcher and Clint Black learned that they're both better off sticking with their day jobs.
· After publicly (and somewhat shadily) announcing that he and his wife were victims of an alleged extortion attempt by his nanny, Rob Lowe displayed the keen ability to turn an adjective into a noun when he coined the term "false terribles."

Hold the phone: Voice-over-Internet startup Ooma is flailing, despite — or perhaps because of — a viral-video marketing campaign directed by Hollywood star Ashton Kutcher. Ooma launched its product, a $400 device which offers unlimited phone calls, last year, with a splash of press. Starstruck tech bloggers like TechCrunch's Michael Arrington gave away Ooma gadgets to readers in exchange for some facetime with Kutcher — and asked few questions about its nonsensical business model, which had it charging high upfront prices for hardware and giving away phone service. Now, we're told, its high-school-dropout CEO, Andrew Frame, has seen a host of executives leave.

It's a story as old as Hollywood itself: An attractive actor who's done everything he can to get himself into the spotlight just can't get the roles he wants. Is it because his acting isn't quite up to par? Of course not... It's because his agent sucks!

That Perez HIlton and John Mayer make out story is totally one of those Ashton Kutcher fake Pop Fiction things, right? Many of you commenters seem to think so. Here's hoping.

You've got to wake up puh-retty early in the morning to pull a fast one past the celebrity blogging community, Ashton Kutcher. At least that's what approximately 1200 gossip bloggers were saying today when faced with photos of The Hills supporting ho Audrina Patridge getting some tasty new ink at a Hollywood tattoo parlor. According to OK! magazine, the mystic Chinese phraseology she had etched into her forearm and then paraded, still-oozing, around high-density local paparazzi zones, translates loosely as, "The rice is fried in pork fat." (We throw it open to our Chinese-tattoo-translating readership for a more accurate interpretation.)

If you've yet to catch an episode of E!'s Pap Smear Pop Fiction, yet another stroke of punking genius from ascending media tycoon and noted cougar-hunter Ashton Kutcher, we've included a clip above. In it, Eva Longoria, for whom fame has quickly turned into a serious drag (please, God, just return her to a life of anonymity, where she can carry out her various, regular-person functions in peace!), and a think-tank consisting of Kutcher and his staff of ingratiating "producers" concoct a deliciously devious plan to "rekindle the non-relationship" with Longoria's longtime platonic friend, Mario Lopez.

Earlier today, we wondered aloud as to what Tina Fey could have possibly seen in Josh Hartnett's body of work that would lead her to think that he would be a suitable love interest for her character on 30 Rock. Well, it turns out that our speculation was for naught, as we have recently learned that the original OK! Magazine piece that ran this morning appears to be patently false. In an email communication just sent to Defamer HQ, an NBC spokeswoman told us that there's "Absolutely no truth to this story. OK magazine has it wrong..." Phew! This news not only soothes our irritable tummies, but it also fills our hearts with joy. While we bear no ill will towards Mr. Hartnett, we must admit that we can think of at least two dozen actors off the top of our heads who would make a better suitor for Liz Lemon. Yes, even Ashton Kutcher!

By now, we realize that we were "pap'd" by the Paris-and-Guru photo opportunity a few weeks ago, which was orchestrated by the devious media mastermind Ashton Kutcher and broadcast on Sunday night as part of his new show Pop Fiction. In the clip above, we watch Paris engage in her pre-hoax therapy-style production meeting, where she states that there is a "time and place" for all the paparazzi attacks launched against her, but that she has become exhausted by all of the unwanted attention. In order to put the papps in their place, she decided to combat all the unwanted press and guerilla forces NOT by avoiding attention, but rather by hitting some of her favorite hotspots with a mint-addicted healer impersonator in tow. That'll show em!

Finally! Someone has the guts to stand up for the world's downtrodden hotel heiresses, whose only desire is that they be left to live their lives in peace, free from the flashbulb-popping scavengers of the celebrity media. That's what has emerged from the recent photos published just about everywhere—including here—of Paris Hilton, accompanied by what turns out was not her guru, but an actor hired to fool us into thinking as much by Ashton Kutcher's new prank series, Pop Fiction:

The Kutcher-Moores grace the pages of the April issue of Harper's Bazaar, in which the First Family of Cougardom weigh in on a number of topics, including how they manage to keep their Kabbalic faith after other celebrities have moved on to even trendier catalogue-order religions. But it's the subject of Moore's ex-husband and Rumer-fatherer Bruce Willis, who maintains an improbably cozy relationship with his Gen Y usurper, that repeatedly pops up:

· If the concept of the two names Tyra Banks and Ashton Kutcher (Tyrashton?) melding into a single, reality-TV -producing force for ABC would drive you to incontinence with excitement, well, maybe you should take a bathroom break before reading this story. [THR]
· Quarterlife, the drama from the creators of thirtysomething that started as a pilot at ABC, then got resuscitated for MySpace, and finally was resurrected on NBC, tanked last night, posting a 1.6 rating/4 share. The series about "twentysomethings coming of age in the digital generation" was doomed to be outdated before it ever reached a wide audience, already replaced with far more timely takes on the same material, like ABC's mid-season replacement, Tumblr Road. [Variety]

Because life is nothing more than a series of grim accidents and cruel punishments, former model Tyra Banks is making another reality show, adding to the steaming pile that consists of her talk show, America's Next Top Model, and the upcoming fashion magazine challenge. And, she's teaming up with Ashton Kutcher to do it. Reportedly the show will deal with people competing in a beauty pageant and will have some as yet undisclosed twist. How about the twist is that there aren't any cameras! That way it would just be grotesque people milling about in relative obscurity, constantly complimenting Tyra, leaving the rest of us to carry on with our regular, pertinent lives (i.e. watching Real Housewives of New York City). [Hollywood Reporter] Just for the F of it, after the jump find video of Tyra walking off her own set during a segment. It involves people talking about eating cat poop.

Ahhhh! Hepatitis!!! You definitely have it if you're a famous person (like Lucy Liu or Demi Moore or Kate Hudson or Bruce Willis) who went to Ashton Kutcher's birthday party at downtown (that's the cool part!) Manhattan clurrrb Socialista. A bartender, hilariously and appropriately named Leif, was recently diagnosed with a "raging" (as the medical professionals at the Post are calling it) case of Hepatitis A, a disease that promises symptoms like diarrhea and jaundice. Jaundice? In Ashton's beautiful, murky eyes? This is worse than AIDS and Spanish Flu COMBINED. Spanish AIDS! [P6]

We certainly didn't mean to contribute to any level of mass panic with our urgent-yet-responsible (we like to think it was just hysterical enough) noting of a Hepatitis A scare at Ashton Kutcher's recent star-studded birthday bash. Minutes after hitting publish, however, the sight of more than a few civilians running past Defamer HQ windows, shouting things like, "We're all going to die, and that guy from Dude, Where's My Car? is the one to blame! No, not Stifler—the other oooonneeee..." before trailing off into the distance, led us to wonder if perhaps we shouldn't clarify the situation further for our readers. So to be sure, this celebrity outbreak is limited to the NYC area—unless, of course, any of the dozens of L.A.-based guests in attendance made their way back here in the ensuing two weeks, and chose to mingle with our general population. But what are the chances of that? Because accurate information at times like these is key, a Defamer operative has sent in the official statement from NYC Dept. of Health and Mental Hygiene ("NOT the Board of Health," as has been misreported), which we dutifully reprint for you here:

Mid-February must be Hepatitis A season, as nearly a year-to-the-day from the Wolfgang Puck scare that made rubber surgical gloves and gas masks the accessories of choice at awards season soirées comes another potentially devastating celebrity contagion. Ashton Kutcher celebrated his 30th birthday [ed. note: Again?] two weeks ago at a club in New York, but it's only just now surfaced that a waitress working there at the time was infected with the jaundicing disease, putting such luminaries in attendance as Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow (and, to a lesser urgent-extent, Molly Sims and Rachel Zoe) at risk. Star magazine reports:

We take it back! American celebrities aren't all boors who just drink and never do anything fun and cute like play Scrabble. Apparently they play dominoes! Specifically, something called Mexican Train Dominoes. It seems that Ashton Harold Kutcher and Demi Maude Moore introduced the game to their celebrity pals, and everyone has just gone crazy for it. Penelope Cruz, who Kutcher calls a "vicious warrior at the game", has her own little dominoes parties. This is just like when my friends and I rediscovered Guess Who? one drunken night and played all into the morning. Then we forgot about it. And remain vaguely embarrassed. [Showbiz Spy]

• Britney Spears is in a padded room, deemed by a court-appointed lawyer too crazy to understand her own case, but the judge wants to check with a doctor to be extra sure she's mentally unfit because apparently he doesn't have access to television, print media, the Internet, radio or anyone who has consumed any news whatsoever at any point in the past two years.

Though Claus, after enjoying a goodbye buggering of Rudolph (played with lusty relish by real-life sexual partner Demi Moore), briefly must suffer the indignity of taking an internship within Katalyst, the jolly icon does eventually get his obligatory happy ending. This is, after all, a Christmas greeting; watching a down-on-his-luck Santa succumb to a more realistic Hollywood fate—a crack addiction, a stint on Santa Monica Boulevard turning tricks in Mrs. Claus's clothes— would be far too depressing a prospect as we all head off to our holiday vacations. Enjoy.

Ashton Kutcher's greatest contribution to geek culture — and no, we aren't referring to Internet telephone startup Ooma — is coming to Boston. Fulfilling every nerd's wildest fantasies, the guilty-pleasure reality show Beauty and the Geek is coming to Beantown on Saturday . Producers are searching for dweebs and bimbos willing to provide the CW network's viewing audience with endless entertainment at their personal expense. And the specifics of the casting call?