That is exactly what he is doing. Just not in real life. Also today: A Sunny favorite lands a big role, a movie about a human teenager has a casting shuffle, and no more Sarah Silverman.

Joy Behar smoothed things over with her Fox News nemesis; Ashton Kutcher fixed his drinking problem; and Facebook indulged in drinking and rehab at the same time. The Twitterati patched things up.

Eight kids takes a toll. Elin Nordegren flees to Sweden and wants to stay there. Heather Locklear's hit and run, Cuban Gooding Jr.'s boozy ramble, Naomi Campbell's blood diamond. Thursday's gossip roundup is too busy to get nasty.

He was only using her for her fame. Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt have a flirt-off. Ashton and Demi party with New York's Foursquare fanatics. Sandra Bullock pulls a Tiger Woods. Tuesday's gossip roundup checks in and out.

She has to costar in a movie with Miley Cyrus first, though. Did Amy Winehouse's boobs spring another leak? Jersey Shore gets banned from clubs. Wizard of Oz's coroner munchkin dies. Saturday's gossip roundup defies belief.

Between "acting" gigs, Ashton Kutcher occasionally promotes social media enterprises by throwing the weight of his celebrity behind them. Previously he helped make Twitter. Now it's location-based network Foursquare. Except this time he stands to make a mint.

It's true, he's very rich. Also today: A romantic comedy duo for the ages, a softer approach from a 24 man, Nickelodeon has deep pockets, and The Hobbit begins its journey!

"Mother-daughter stripper pole" is a phrase you don't hear often for a reason. Gwyneth Paltrow spends time with another male musician. Howard Stern makes fun of Gabourey Sidibe. Vigilante sorority closes in on Roethlisberger. Wednesday gossip crosses the line.

Carey Mulligan won't let Shia drink. Russell Simmons lets slip he's got a huge dick. Mo'Nique acts like a diva. Mariah Carey acts like her spanx has cut off circulation to her brain. Sunday gossip has Oscars fever.

The Jay Leno Show died today. It was five months old. Tonight, a half-dead zombie version of the show briefly rose from its deathbed to celebrate its own demise. This was as fun to watch as you might expect.

The father of Gmail gave his kid a pat on the back; a TV doctor defended his slang; and Ashton Kutcher's iPhone ruined his Mexican relations. The Twitterati just tried to get along.

Here's the parody that we were expecting from the King of Twitter when he hosted SNL on Saturday night. "Tooter" is a social networking device for your farts. Watch the gross SNL-reject after the jump.

Did Brangelina's presence make the Saints win, or was it Kim Kardashian's tight end? Beyonce falls during a concert, Dr. Murray makes a creepy visit to Jacko's tomb, Carrie Prejean gets engaged. Monday gossip is done preserving its purity.

Avatar is finally dethroned, but Sam Worthington is on his way up. Do you want Wheel of Fortune in 3D? Henry Winkler has a new role, and Valentine's Day gets a pre-release sequel. Welcome to a very super Trade Roundup.

It seemed SNL was all about politics tonight, from the opening Fox News parody to a second Don't Ask, Don't Tell discussion in a View sketch. But it was Andy Samberg's obscenity-laden impersonation of Rahm Emanuel that stole the show.

For a former child star, Soleil Moon Frye has done some very impressive networking. Her celebrity buddies in Hollywood have kept the 1980s actress in the media spotlight. But she's also insinuated herself atop the Silicon Valley power structure.

This time she won't earn money for it, though. Charlie Sheen's wife's 911 call is out, and terrifying. Spencer Pratt is jealous of Jersey Shore. Paparazzi get pissed at Angelina. Come and get your Tuesday gossip!

Her story was a Hollywood dream: the prodigiously talented teenager who worked her way from regional theater to big-screen blockbusters alongside Oscar nominees. But then her star power fizzled, her personal life disintegrated, and she met a grisly end.

• The e-reader war rages on: If you want to read the Post on your Kindle on the way to work, you're out of luck; you'll have to buy a Sony Reader. [NYT, AFP]
• Project Runway will return to NYC (and Lifetime) for its 7th season. [NYDN]
• Budget Travel isn't shutting down, contrary to the rumors awhile back. But it does have a new owner now that Newsweek has sold it to a financial firm. [AP]
• Job cuts at the Times in the last two days have claimed 18 people. [AP]
• American Idol creator Simon Fuller is launching an online talent show. [NYT]
• Diane Sawyer's GMA debut next week is going to be "low-key." [USAT]
• It looks like Fox News will close out 2009 with its highest ratings ever. [B&C]
• Ashton Kutcher is bringing The Beautiful Life back. On YouTube. [NYT]
• The 16th annual SAG Award nominations were announced today. [LAT]
• Nancy O'Dell is quitting Access Hollywood. Why? Because the show is getting too sensational and she's a "nice and classy girl." But you knew that. [People]

January Jones was offered a shot to prove that she's not the worst part of Mad Men when she hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend. She totally blew it. Will she be able to recover?