• Tommy Hilfiger and Dee Ocleppo may have cancelled their first wedding at the last minute back in August, but it looks like the second time is the charm: The couple is reportedly getting hitched later today in a "top-secret, ultra-private" ceremony at his house in Greenwich. [NYP]
• Kanye West is supposedly thinking of moving to London next year to pursue his fashion career. [Mirror]
• Graydon Carter says he personally handles seating arrangements at the Waverly Inn. Oh, and his "three buzz words" for 2009 are "sophisticated, innovative and entitlement." [P6]
• Tragic news: Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony just spent their first weekend apart since the birth of their twins. [Us]

In what is sure to be the most consequential piece of legal maneuvering since 50 Cent sued Taco Bell last week, idiot Guns n' Roses frontman Axl Rose had his attorney fire off a scathing letter to the Dr. Pepper corporation regarding the company's recent GnR-related marketing mishaps. It promises to be quite a dustup—rock and roll style!!1! Take, heed, soft drink companies: here's what happens when you try to give out a free soda to everyone in America:

• Bryan Adams is so famous entire families are stalking him. It's nice when parents want their children to follow in their professional footsteps! [Sun]

After 17 years of false starts and whispery rumors, no one was shocked when Chinese Democracy, Guns N' Roses' (well, Axl Rose's at least) newest and much-delayed album, was finally released last week. Except for the, well, Chinese! As if they were living under some sort of all-the-way-around-the-world rock or something, this is apparently the first the Communist-y supernation has heard of the album. And they are not happy about it. The album's title is "venomously attacking China," according to national Chinese newspaper the Global Times. The album is laden with commentary on the Chinese government, referencing the banned spiritual practice of Falun Gong and featuring the 1989-y lyric: "if your Great Wall rocks blame yourself." (If you're Great Wall's a rockin', you're probably doin' the knockin'! Of boots! Chinese boots!) But, c'mon, we've known the title of this thing for years, and the Chinese are just now getting mad about it? They could have been raging about this since, like, before the internet even existed! Where were the pamphlets about how the album is a Western tool meant to "grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn"? I mean, it's true! And it's also about rockin' out! Their reaction, though resoundingly nationalistic and scary, is probably kind of what Axl and his newish bandmates were hoping for here stateside. Instead all they got was a deliciously side-winding review by Chuck Klosterman, and sad opening day debuts at Best Buy. So, I guess it just goes to show that the world has changed a lot since last we Used Our Illusion, but China hasn't noticed. Because, you know, they've been focusing on slightly bigger things. China State Media Blast New Guns N' Roses Album [AP]

• Amanda Beard denies she's dating Michael Phelps because that would be "nasty." Michael, however, isn't commenting on whether or not he's dating Lily Donaldson, or anyone else. [NYP]

If Axl Rose walks through Manhattan and nobody recognizes him, should he be so pissed off about it?

Here's the lead to Page Six's item today about Dr. Pepper's Guns N' Roses PR stunt: "TIRED of a world in which Americans idolize wannabe singers, and where musicals about high school students pass as rock 'n' roll, Dr Pepper is begging Axl Rose to finally release this year his 17-years-in-the-making album, "Chinese Democracy." Such powerful language! Now here's the lead to the press release announcing the same event:

Putting his finger on a vague something that's been missing from this holiday season, a San Francisco Chronicle writer realizes that it's a lack of rumors about the imminent release of Guns N' Roses' Chinese Democracy that's bugging him, then provides a timeline of all the times that Axl Rose, like a creatively blocked Grinch in a kilt and catcher's chest protector, has let the world down since 1999:
"May 11, 2001: The New York Daily News quotes an "insider," who says the album is basically done. "The album has been finished to everybody else's satisfaction for over a year now," the source says. "But Axl keeps going back to remix it and add vocals." [SFGate.com]

It turns out that Guns N' Roses' "Sweet Child O' Mine" is the voice of my generation. It narrates the 20th century's transition from optimism to disillusion, beginning with some dude's poetic idealization of his girlfriend, and dissolving amidst the sound and fury of encroaching insignificance. It's like taking your date to the malt shop and winding up in a tomb.

• Axl Rose has been released from a Stockholm jail, where he was held after biting a security guard on the leg. Tommy Hilfiger got off easy, it would seem. NB to the unlucky victim: you might want to make sure your rabies vaccinations are up to date. [Page Six]
• Now that her stroll towards unemployment has become a quickly finished race, Star Jones is taping House Hunters NYC. It's a long fall down, isn't it? [Lowdown (bottom)]
• Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are still together, having just gotten past a "rough patch." Now they're back to bonding in matching sweats, a surefire way to keep any relationship exciting. [Us Weekly]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban honeymoon in Bora Bora, enjoying a $15K/night bungalow over the water. Sonja the security guard is also enjoying the vacation, protecting the couple from any of the island's over-aggressive flora and fauna. [IMDb]
• Tori Spelling takes her good, sweet time getting to her father's deathbed. [Page Six]
• Tired of Bahrain, Michael Jackson continues taking his traveling freakshow to France. [R&M]

• The ever-reliable News of the World reports that Britney Spears has signed "preliminary divorce papers." If she and K-Fed get divorced, perhaps it will pave the way for her true soul mate: the Manny. [NotW]
• Brad Pitt's parents have arrived in Africa to get a glimpse of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and, if we're lucky, sell any pictures they take to the highest bidder. [IMDb]
• Tommy Hilfiger gives his first on-record comment about his brawl with Axl Rose; the wee designer claims he was merely protecting himself from the inevitable sting of Axl's swinging cornrows. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Professional beard Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey end their incomprehensible relationship. Remarkably, the world continues to turn. [People]
• The Phoenix Suns' resident Breck girl Steve Nash denies that he's having an affair with Nelly Furtado. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton gets just stoned enough to navigate her way through the paparazzi and into da club. [TMZ]
• Tina Brown and Harry Evans continue to vigilantly defend their 6-inch garden wall from evil developers, who threaten to forever destroy their spring party-planning. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Dan Rather once said his 60 Minutes colleague Morley Safer should be "shot dead" over a crackling hickory fire that's hotter than the devil's anvil. [Page Six]

A weird little sidenote to the Axl Rose/Tommy Hilfiger beat down on Thursday night: the photo of the two fighting on the cover of the Saturday Post is credited to DMI, an "independent" photo agency owned by MediaVast, which also owns WireImage. Writes a reader in the know:

• Parenting groups zone in on Brad Pitt, who's spotted taking a bike ride in Namibia with a helmet-less baby Zahara riding in a blue papoose strapped around him. Britney Spears is thrilled. [R&M]
• After a fight with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes flies solo to Ohio to introduce baby Suri to her horrified family and friends. [Scoop]
• The cause of the brawl between Axl Rose and Tommy Hilfiger had nothing to do with Rose dating Hilfiger's brother's ex-wife. No, Axl got clocked because of the usual, inebriated reasons. [Page Six]
• At a charity auction, guest auctioneer Donald Trump yells at a bidder to "put your fucking hand down" and notes that the winner of a vacation package needs to lose 50 or 60 pounds. [Lowdown]
• James Gandolfini acknowledges that he's too old to fight in Iraq, but he'd still go and drive a truck or something. Just don't let him zip around Fallujah on a Vespa — we all know how that'll turn out. [Page Six]
• Complete unconfirmed, but: did Gwen Stefani finally have that damn baby? [Insider Gossip]

• After serving five days in jail rather than do community service for drunk driving in Honolulu, Michelle Rodriguez has been sentenced to 60 days for violating parole on a previous drunk driving incident in LA. She's also been ordered to rehab and must serve 30 days of community service. Clearly, the law is no fan of the way things have been going on Lost. [TMZ]
• Bad news for Brooklyn: Michelle Williams' father, Larry Williams, is in jail on tax evasion charges and stands accused of hiding $1.5 million from Uncle Sam. Which is exactly how he became a financial guru. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton plays an angry voicemail from Lindsay Lohan for a group of friends, then calls her a cunt." We believe the correct term is firecrotch. [R&M (last item)]
• The ballad of Axl and Tommy continues: while the official line is that Hilfiger punched Axl Rose after Rose moved his drink (presumably so that Rose could take his table), Hilfiger's rage may be heightened by the fact that Rose is dating Diane O'Connor, the ex-wife of Hilfiger's adopted brother, Michael H. [Page Six]
• Namibians want to declare a national holiday on the day that Angelina Jolie gives birth. [MSNBC]
• Socialite Tory Burch's clothing line isn't selling, despite an Oprah endorsement in 2004. Will O save face by frying Burch on an upcoming episode? [Lowdown]

After the Post mysteriously removed Friday's Page Six item about a brawl between Axl Rose and Tommy Hilfiger from all later editions of Friday's paper, we feared that we'd all be denied coverage of such an important spectacle. Now it seems that Post wasn't covering up the news but, rather, just rescheduling it so that it could move some sluggish weekend copy. The pulled item was saved for the Saturday paper, so that it could be used as a splashy cover story, thick with reporting:

From our gilded mailbag:

• Too weak to even walk through a grocery store, Nicole Richie must ride in a shopping cart pushed by assisted living specialist Mischa Barton. [TMZ]
• If youth is wasted on the young, then it's the same with karaoke. In Flushing, however, Grandma can get her groove on. [NYM]
• SpotBit is an electronic archive of several current magazines — all of which you can download for free, in full. We'd encourage you to go and stick it to the man, but this shit likely won't make much of a difference. [via Big and Sharp]
• Axl Rose and Sebastian Bach hit 6's and 8's, party like it's 1984. [Animal]
• In order to tame and defeat Eurotrash, you must first learn to understand the bare-chested breed. [Save Manny]
• It's hard to care about celebrity lookalikes. But it helps if the doppelgangers are making porn. [Fleshbot]

· Old Defamer pal and scary Hollywood lawyer Marty Singer is cross with Jossip, but still can't stop the internets from looking at Colin Farrell's tallywacker.
· If you thought Zathura was a nightmare of pronunciation problems, wait for Tristan and Isolde.
· Somewhere in this story about Axl Rose suing a Beverly Hills car dealer over its failure to deliver him some exotic sports cars is an easy joke about the irony of his failure to deliver Chinese Democracy. But we're too tired to find it.
· Page Six is thisclose to crowning Maroon 5's Adam Levine Hollywood's favorite manwhore.
· And since it's been way too long: Hey, unicorns!

· Weinstein and Katzenberg are on the outs, Sophie Dahl's credit card is declined, Bjork attends the Agent Provocateur opening in Soho, and Daily News staffers take a catty little swipe at Page Six. [NY Daily News]
· A freshly Botox-ed Axl Rose deludes himself into thinking that it's 1988, he's 50 pounds lighter, 50 times cooler, and it's okay to skip your own concerts, because you're a big rock star and everyone loves you. Clear Channel begs to differ. [Page Six]
· Kirsten Dunst parades out of downtown brunch spot, Bubby's, with boyfriend's best friend to screw with the gossip columnists. [Page Six]
· Kissinger overhead saying "of all of them, I like Kennedy the best." Not what you think. [Page Six]