This week's New Yorker contains a profile of Scooter Braun, 31-year-old manager of the Wanted, Carly Rae Jepsen and, most importantly, Justin Bieber ("For a reason that Braun can't explain, most of his acts are from the British Commonwealth," writes Lizzie Widdicombe).

Men the world over are infamous for having balls—although testes, being considerably smaller than breasts and also much less adept at producing breast milk, are often overshadowed by bazoongas in lists of favorite sexual organs.

Wesley and his giant ball sac (160 lbs., 6 feet in circumference), which he likens to a "very, very juicy Thanksgiving turkey" were featured on last night's episode of TLC's Strange Sex. This segment bummed me the fuck out. See how far you can make it through the segment above, in which the origin and then consequences of Wesley's condition are laid out. (He waddles everywhere with a sweatshirt holding his humongous bits...er, bit, in place.) When his home healthcare worker, Passion (that is her name for real), describes how "the balls have grown over the penis," I despair.

For some reason, I decided to torture myself the other day by reading Pete Wells' four-star review of Le Bernardin in the New York Times. The Times sent Wells there to reaffirm that Le Bernardin is a really good place to eat and — SURPRISE! — it still is. Not that you'll ever be able to afford to eat there. There are only three people who can afford to eat at a place like Le Bernardin: Rich assholes, food critics, and other chefs who run other restaurants that only serve rich assholes, food critics, and other chefs. Here is a glimpse of Wells eating like a goddamn king:

This metal space ball fell from the sky onto Namibia in mid-November, prompting authorities to call NASA for help. What? Why are you laughing? This space ball is a serious national security issue.

This morning on Today, while promoting Friends With Benefits, Mila and JT brought the testicular humor as they talked about the Marine Corps Ball. Mila declared, "Marines have a lot of balls." Justin agreed, "Marines got balls," and added, "we want to pay honor to our country and embrace their balls." Justin continued to ham it up even after Lester Holt ended the segment.

Archie Comics is attempting to ban its co-CEO, Nancy Silberkleit, from its headquarters, and stop her from going to Comic-Con this year, over allegations that she "burst into meetings to rant about male private parts." This is what happens when you introduce gays to Riverdale, folks! Everyone starts talking about dicks.

When Olivia Munn appeared on Conan, she outed Andy Ricther as a man with gigantic balls. Apparently her first time meeting Andy, he and a friend were discussing their nut-sizes—Andy's are like bean bag chairs—and then she went ahead and asked Paul Giamatti the same.

Last night, Craig Ferguson showed Kristin Dunst what she thought was a kangaroo's foot but was really kangaroo balls. Later when asked if she was a vegetarian, Dunst says "I need meat in my life."

A German man was frustrated with the police's inability to stop his 17-year-old daughter from seeing her 57-year-old boyfriend. So he took matters into his own hands, and cut off the boyfriend's balls with a bread knife.

"I don't even know what's gonna come out of this pen," said the lady clairvoyant, before attempting to sketch a "psychic drawing" of her talk show guest, Brian. And that's when she drew a hairy penis and balls! Watch inside.

Democratic swamp-rat strategist James Carville told reporters today that "If Hillary gave up one of her balls and gave it to Obama, he'd have two." Will Obama mock him, like the last time Carville said something along these lines?

The age-old question "Which animal has the biggest testicles?" finally has an answer: Platycleis affinis, the tuberous bush cricket, officially has the largest balls in relation to its body mass of any species—at 14 percent of body weight.

Do you need a cyst removed from your testicles? I'd maybe avoid Dr. Sulieman Al Hourani, who mistakenly cut out a patient's testicle "literally as the nurse turned away." He also once injected himself with leftover painkillers. But nobody's perfect!

Today in the Serbian village of Ozrem the seventh annual World Testicle Cooking Championship took place, where, as you've probably guessed, people cooked and ate testicles. One of the more popular dishes? "Bulls' testicles" cooked "goulash style." Yum.

Sarah Palin hit Fox News Sunday to throw her support behind Arizona in its fight over the immigration law, adding that her pal Governor "Jan Brewer has the cojones that our President does not have" to deal with immigration.

While sitting on Letterman's couch last night, Sylvester Stallone told the tale of what happened at home while he filmed Rambo. Upon his return, he discovered that his wife castrated their dog because his bright-red-doggie-balls didn't match their home decor.

Today The Doctors discussed the importance of the athletic cup. As anyone who has played sports can tell you, it's incredibly annoying to wear. Still, it's much better than having a ruptured testicle.

In your finally Friday media column: an editor is canned for testicle-related reasons, The New Yorker makes an error, food critic violence is avenged, and debating Gerald Marzorati's successor.

The ad below for some Australian beer explains exactly when you know you need a beer: when your balls tingle. Yea, maybe in Australia.