After retiring from evil, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld went about writing his memoir, Known and Unknown. As part of that effort, he asked the Obama Administration to declassify a bunch of secret documents from his tenure so he could write about them and publish them on his voluminous online library. Obama said no.

"David Wasserman, of the nonpartisan Cook Political Report, recently calculated that 89 percent of Whole Foods stores... were in counties carried by Obama in 2008," reports Sheryl Gay Stolberg. Not only that! Whole Foods and Obama are also both Muslim.

There were too many terrible parts of last night's Republican debate in Iowa. For example: Any time Tim Pawlenty did anything. But the worst, and definitely most dangerous, was when all eight contenders joined forces to be terrible together and promise to never raise taxes one cent, even if it came in a deal that gave them everything they wanted.

Last Friday's lowering of the U.S. credit rating by Standard & Poors was quickly nicknamed "the Obama downgrade" by conservative pundits. It's rhetoric, of course, but the President's soft response to the country's economic issues hasn't been doing him any favors.

IRA terrorist Rep. Pete King already has a lot on his plate, namely the numerous "Muslim radicalization" hearings that he's always convening. Thankfully he's found enough spare time to do the nation's other important work, like harassing the White House about an upcoming Osama bin Laden death movie.

The folks at Team Obama, like many, see Mitt Romney as the likely Republican nominee for president, and they're already plotting how to "destroy" him, limb by limb. How will they do it? Essentially, Obama will point at Mitt Romney, look to the audience, and whisper, "Just look at this fuckin' weird loser over here, amirite?"

President Obama addressed the S&P — or as he put it, "some agency" — credit downgrade of U.S. sovereign debt, among other things, during a brief White House speech today. He even promised that America, despite everything, will "always be a AAA country." That's sweet of you to say, Dad.

Obama adviser David Axelrod has started calling Standard & Poor's major diss of America's credit rating the "Tea Party downgrade," which certainly sounds like an insult against the Tea Party. Yet the Partiers themselves seem to be embracing Axelrod's wannabe-pejorative as a compliment.

Despite rumors to the contrary, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner will stay in his post through the campaign season. Not because he's good at his job, so much as because confirming anyone else would be a huge pain. [Politico]

It's only been one day since ratings agency Standard & Poor's downgraded the U.S. Government's credit rating from AAA to AA+, and already I've been forced to kill two people who tried to steal my food. And it could get worse! The agency says there's a one-in-three chance the U.S. will be downgraded again.

When you woke up this morning, did everything seem a little less... reliable? It did, didn't it? That's because credit ratings agency Standard & Poor's no longer regards the U.S. as a risk-free borrower, despite a $2 trillion error in its initial accounting.

The mischievous scribes at Fox Nation are lighting up Twitter with this magisterial headline-photo combination about President Obama's private White House birthday party yesterday. The "Hip-Hop BBQ" didn't even create any jobs! This guy doesn't even deserve to be 50 years old.

President Obama turned 50 on Thursday and the stock market responded by crashing, so it's safe to say that any birthday celebrations at the White House today were probably a bit subdued. But what did Obama do to mark the occasion? On tonight's Late Show, David Letterman ventured some guesses as part of his Top 10 list. Video of the segment is above.

Baggy-eyed, battered and desperately in need of a cigarette, President Barack Obama limped across the birthday finish line today, making it to a round half-century: Our Commander-in-Chief is now 50 years old.

Sen. Mitch McConnell, the evil procedural genius who somehow always manages to be the most powerful person in Washington from his lowly perch as Senate minority leader, doesn't take offense when people call him and his party "hostage-takers." He rather fancies the title! But he does want to clear up the details of how and why he loves taking legislative hostages.

Don't fret, Sarah Palin! Stay home in Arizona or Alaska, wherever you summer. Because President Obama has decided to do the Midwestern second leg of your bus tour for you. That's right: Obama will ride around on a bus, too, as part of the great White House "pivot" to a focus on jobs, which no longer exist.

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart opened with a segment about the last minute deal to raise the nation's debt ceiling and avert an economic crisis. But while some in Washington celebrated the compromise today, Stewart took aim at President Obama for the concessions he made to get the deal done.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid tentatively signed on to a debt-ceiling deal, likely drawing to a close an unnecessary and wholly embarrassing episode in American history. Here's an outline of the not-quite-finished deal, if you want to ruin your Sunday.

President Obama still wants you, the citizen in a Republican district, to get in touch with your congressional representative and relay the White House's fierce warrior cry of "compromise!" And today, his campaign Twitter account has been tweeting the handle of each Republican every few minutes for many hours.

President Obama's approval rating in Gallup's three-day rolling average has fallen to 40%, an all-time low for him. The American public can stomach many things, but interrupting The Bachelorette is not one of them.