Just when you thought it was safe to go to bed on a quiet Thursday night, Beyoncé has released her new album. It appears to be called BEYONCÉ — either that or it has no title at all — and is being dubbed as a "visual album," which continues 2013's trend of pop stars delivering highly anticipated albums in highly impractical formats. Let's blame it on "disruption."
DATELINE: TUMBLR — The world of perfect teens was rocked by rumors of selfie terrorism this week, after erroneous reports of a photoboming at a Beyoncé concert in Melbourne ripped through social media.
Yesterday's Daily News item about the firing of Jay Z and Beyoncé's bodyguard, Norman Oosterbroek, claimed that the 6'5", 280-pound "Dutch giant" was fired after being found "using the family's passports in a lewd act." But it's even worse than you might imagine.
The New York Daily News published a bananas story Wednesday exposing the bizarre circumstances surrounding Jay Z and Beyoncé’s abrupt dismissal of their 6'5", 280 lbs. head of security, Norman Oosterbroek: He was fired after the couple allegedly saw photographic and video evidence of him “using the family’s passports in a lewd act." (The couple also discovered he had hired a prostitute while on duty for them in Las Vegas, which is crazy because it is somehow the LEAST interesting aspect of the story.)
Beyoncé's Public Tour of Incomparable Greatness and Alarming Indignities continued on Sunday night, as the singer was briefly yanked into the crowd by an overenthusiastic (or perhaps exactly the right amount of enthusiastic) fan during a stop in Sao Paulo.
A few weeks ago, Beyoncé's hair got hilariously stuck in a fan while she was attempting to move thousands to tears via an emotional performance of "Halo." Now, perhaps out of a mistaken belief that fans run on Beyoncé hair instead of electricity, Beyoncé has chopped off all her long hair, in an ambitious tactical maneuver designed to starve the world's fans.
On Saturday, August 3rd at approximately 9:20 p.m., the physical embodiment of the Beyoncé concept, Beyoncé, took the stage for the first of three consecutive performances at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn. On Saturday, August 3rd at approximately 8:20 p.m., two Gawker bloggers covered in body glitter (in hindsight: why?) concocted an iffy plan to make it onto the floor of the area, without purchasing floor passes for a thousand dollars.
Last night in Montreal, Beyoncé's natural, honey blonde hair got stuck in a giant fan while she was performing her Grammy Award-winning single "Halo" in front of 21,000 people. The result is some truly hilarious video (from varying angles and distances) of Beyoncé sitting glumly on stage belting out a love song while a team of giant men attempt to rip her hair out of a fan.
Michelle Obama dragged her daughters, Malia, 15, and Sasha, 12, out for a visit with her friend Mrs. Carter in Chicago last night, even though Mrs. Carter only ever wants to talk about mortgages and interest rates and mulch and Sasha and Malia would rather spend their time snapchatting pix of their dog to their friends.
Pretty much the greatest thing that can happen at a Beyoncé concert, other than spontaneously replicating on stage, is Beyoncé taking a little time out in the middle of a song to yell at someone in front of 20,000 people. It's like going on safari and catching a lion at the exact moment it pounces on a gazelle. Scary, exhilarating, and beautiful in its natural brutality. Beyoncé was made to yell at people.
Multi-genre dance producer Diplo's typically loose lips have suggested that Beyoncé has scrapped work she's done on her upcoming album, the creation of which she's been talking about forever (or at least, since January). "Fuckin' thing sucks!" is how I like to imagine King Bey regarding this rejected body of work, but the truth is that she's probably just nodding and grinning serenely about it.
Beyoncé's been making Kelly Rowland cry a lot lately. More than usual, probably.
One of the noblest, most versatile, and yet most underused story-telling mediums available today is the Beyoncé gif.
Holy shit. This Bey is pregnant.
