How deep does the Super Bowl Illuminati rabbit hole go? As deep as all rabbit holes: straight into hell.

The suspense is burning. For the first time in the history of the Super Bowl, people who care nothing about football can experience the same level of investment over the outcome of the big day as sports fans. For my money, the halftime show will be the most exciting of the night's offerings: there is so much riding on Beyoncé's performance. Will she stay true to her word and sing live? Will she reinforce her status as her generation's greatest performer during this relatively vulnerable time in her career? Will she deliver something that erases the Inauguration lip-synching/backing-track accompaniment fiasco? Will she fuck everything up?

Furious at the world, human ball of fire Beyoncé just opened her first press conference since her infamous Lip-Synch Beytrayal by belting out a live, a capella rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner.

Months before Beyoncé murdered millions of Americans by singing over a previously recorded track at the presidential inauguration, someone asked her to sing songs at the Super Bowl.

CNN has just published a breaking news bulletin confirming that America's No. 1 threat to national security, the pop-singer Beyoncé, did not sing live at Monday's Presidential Inauguration and Live Singing Only Ceremony.

Some went through the stages of grief when word emerged that Beyoncé lip-synched "The Star Spangled Banner" at Monday's Presidential Inauguration. Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul and Saying Weird Things in Public from Time to Time (remember the Kathie Lee beef of 2012?), however, was tickled by the news and may emulate Beyoncé going forward. Or something. Franklin told ABCNews.com that she thought King Bey "did a beautiful job," adding (and here's the weird part):

Despite an earlier claim by a Marine Band spokeswoman that quite possibly invalidated the inauguration, a Marine Corps spokesman is now denying that the Marine Band has the authority to say whether or not Beyoncé lip-synched her performance of the National Anthem.

Barack Obama is only one day into his second term as president, and already his is the most controversial, scandal-plagued tenure of any leader of any country ever.

Bad news, Bey-holes: Beyoncé's performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner" yesterday was lip-synched, according to The Times:

Today Washington, D.C. was all atwitter with the graduation of President Obama from first-term president to second-term president. Here is your Inauguration 2013 yearbook.

The initial moments of Beyoncé's inauguration performance were fraught with confusion, after she opened her mouth to sing the national anthem and everyone realized that God had replaced the artist formerly known as Beyoncé with an actual living angel whose voice was more heavenly than a thousand Hallelujah choruses.

Yesterday, on the heels of a fake-out by Justin Timberlake that many thought would be his new single but turned out to be a minute-long ponderous YouTube video about him not releasing music, a new ballads collection from Destiny's Child was announced. Sporting 14 tracks that span the group's career, Love Songs will include the previously unreleased Pharrell Williams collaboration, "Nuclear."

The Golden Millennium of Beyoncé continues today, as Us Weekly has just confirmed that Destiny's Child will publicly reunite on stage during the Super Bowl.

"How can so much fucking crazy be contained within a two-page interview?"

Is Justin Timberlake getting really to unveil his first new single in years?

GQ couldn't keep Beyoncé covered for long: The wrapper of the magazine's next issue, which runs down the "100 sexiest women of the 21st century," was leaked online ahead of its official release.

As of Tuesday morning, Kanye West's only tweet is a low-quality Getty Image cropped to just the faces of West, Kim Kardashian, Jay-Z, and Beyoncé. The picture is captioned "FAM." Beyoncé and Jay-Z's real life FAM, Beyoncé's sister Solange, has been cropped out of the image; you can see her in the original here.

Yesterday, Solange Knowles (the singer in the family who isn't Beyoncé) released her excellent EP, True. Coming in at under 30 minutes and sporting just seven songs, it is as restrained as its star's vocals, which are crisp and limber but generally free of melisma. Solange will never not be compared to her sister first of all because duh, and secondly because her tone often sounds like a higher, airier version of Bey's. At this point, though, Solange is yin to Beyoncé's yang. While Beyoncé is so mainstream that her surface perfection will never crack, Solange is the hard-flopping, "fuck"-saying, Dirty Projectors-covering former teen mom who'll steal a coat after modeling it on a runway and then tell a magazine about it.

For those who don't know, Gwyneth Paltrow, the world's most perfect human and Beyonce's best friend, has a newsletter called Goop. It's filled with insight on how to be perfect and live your life exactly how the mother of two children named Apple and Moses lives her life.

Beyoncé wrote this line down in her fave notebook nine days ago and has been keeping it tucked safely in her pocketbook ever since, not even letting Jay-Z see it because he might wrinkle the paper with his big hands (probably).