Why are we bringing you the box office results instead of adding a day's worth of sun poisoning to the weekend's dose of alcohol poisoning? Have you been outside the last two days? If we'd wanted to spend the holiday baking in 102 degree heat, we would have gone to Phoenix.
Drag your beer-bloated bodies off the sand and into your local theater in exactly the proportions listed below.
Throw the box office numbers on the bed and roll around in them for a little while. Go ahead, do it. It's Monday morning. You've earned it.
Ah, late summer, when the studios release any old thing they have laying around the office.
Enjoy the numbers from this weekend's thoroughly lackluster box office slate.
Because the summer box office season is now officially over—this time we really mean it!—and the studios are opening three mediocre movies just for the the hell of it, projections are going to be a crapshoot. In the past, we've urged you to take these predictions to the bank; today, we recommend you try to sell them to the slow kid in front of the 7-11 who spends his day smashing a soda can with a jagged rock.
Remember all of that stuff about Alien Vs. Predator bombing? Let's revisit next week.
The summer box office season is officially over. Enjoy these predictions about this weekend's table scraps.
Here are the numbers that help you keep down that first cup of coffee of the work week:
We reserve the right to be so eerily accurate in our predictions that you think a sophisticated computer model is at work—or to be so wrong that you think we compute our projections in crayon on the back of a cheap hooker.
The results from the post-convention weekend:
Get off your convention watching asses and spend a politics-free weekend in the theater. That recommendation might be bad news for The Manchurian Candidate, but whatever. It's probably insured against a weak opening by the Kerry campaign.
To fully appreciate the performance of the film that Roger Ebert called "unbelievably bad" and "truly bad," resident statistician Andrew Krucoff puts Catwoman's box office numbers in historical perspective with his chart.In addition to finishing a distant third in its first weekend of release, it had only the fourth-best opening of any "cat" movie in recent history, and the competition isn't exactly fierce; Mike Myers' reviled The Cat in the Hat and Fox's Reagan-defiling Garfield both put Halle Berry's light S&M feline offering in a burlap sack and tossed it off a bridge.
The numbers are in, and Catwoman is a hit! Well, it is if your understanding of "hit" runs counter to the one accepted by most speakers of English.
The accuracy of our box office predictions is unparalleled in the anonymous Hollywood gossip blog community.
This week: Will Smith is officially "Mr. Mid-to-Late July."
Take these amazing predictions to your bank or credit union, where they are treated as legal tender.
Variety anticpates a battle between Paramount and Fox over next year's Fourth of July weekend, when both Mission: Impossible 3 and Fantastic Four are scheduled to open. Defamer is up to the challenge of fearlessly predicting the outcome of this face-off, presuming that one of the studios doesn't pull their offering off the Independence Day picnic table and withdraw from Hollywood's biggest dick-measuring contest.
If you love the box office numbers, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours; if they don't, consider a high-level executive job at Disney.
If the box office numbers don't unfold exactly like this over the weekend, we promise to ignore these predictions and carry on with our life.
