The folks over at esteemed Scary Hollywood Lawyer factory Lavely & Singer gave Angelina Jolie an incredibly thoughtful gift shortly after the Namibian birth of her baby, registering an array of domain names, including ShilohJoliePitt.com and ShilohNouvelJoliePitt.com, for their highly valued client. It's the latest indication of how much better the Jolie-Pitt image machine is run than the rival, suspicion-inviting Cruise-Holmes team. Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields, carelessly opted to send some knit booties as a shower gift and let SuriCruise.com slip through the cracks, resulting in the embarrassing Countdown to Legality that gleefully informs us that there are only 6530 days, 12 hours, 52 minutes, and 40 seconds until Suri's 18th birthday.

Ever since Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announced that the couple was supplementing their adopted brood with a biological offspring, the tabloids' favorite psychological bloodsport has been the constant monitoring of Jennifer Aniston's emotional state in the wake of her ex-husband's hasty insemination of the first appropriately famous uterus willing to accept his genetically desirable seed. Accordingly, Star reveals Aniston's reaction to the news that her dread has been made flesh:

Despite the fact that the Chosen One is widely believed to be the savior of mankind and possesses messianic, cripple-healing powers, charging Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt's parents with delivering Namibia from its AIDS and poverty crises swill just set up the African nation for disappointment. Angelina Jolie's much-photographed commitment to charitable causes is unquestioned, and the high-end baby boutiques that might sprout up there may help the local economy, but Brad Pitt may be uncomfortable being saddled with such a massive responsibility for a place he picked out for the birth of their child because "it would be cool to see some lions and shit while Ang pops out the rugrat."

· Gallery of the Absurd makes the heretical claim that the Chosen One might wind up something less than physically perfect, then follows it up with an equally heretical graven image of the baby that will one day save mankind.
· Also: Names Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Wanted to Name Their Baby But Decided Would Be Too Traumatic
· And one more: "A Hebrew name, Shiloh is 'generally understood as denoting the Messiah, "the peaceful one," ' according to Easton's Bible Dictionary, an 1897 work of biblical definitions." Nothing like getting a kid started early with those messianic expectations.
· After two failed marriages, Halle Berry no longer feels the need to be validated by a husband. Also, she doesn't fear eventually being a single mom, saying, "My mother was alone and raised me. And I think I came out OK," having already forgotten about the absent father issues that probably led to those aforementioned bad relationships.

It almost had to happen this way: Sometime on Saturday night, noted trickster Angelina Jolie finally gave the order to her team of Namibian midwives to administer the bubbling potion that would induce a quick and painless labor and allow the Chosen One, the genetically perfect biological offspring sired by the actress and partner Brad Pitt, to be born while most of the celebrity-obsessed United States population was distracted by the Memorial Day weekend. As almost everyone certainly knows by now, the couple christened their baby girl Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, a twin tribue to Pitt's beloved childhood Labrador and to Jolie's affection for all things vaguely French. Shortly after donating $300,000 to Namibian hospitals for the establishment of high-security, private celebrity birthing facilities, Pitt and Jolie announced plans to tour Africa with young Shiloh, where they expect thousands to gather in various town squares to gaze upon the baby that first introduced their continent to millions of American Us Weekly and Life & Style subscribers. And while some pilgrims will gaze upon the infant and become free of their crutches, wheelchairs, and bad credit ratings, many more will be instantly blinded by direct exposure to her brilliance, the searing of their retinas a painful indication to the unpure of heart that they are not quite ready for an audience with the world's most flawless lovechild.

· Brad Pitt finds himself the target of the celebrity-infant-safety zealots who have mobilized since Britney Spears' repeated, ostentatious child-endangerment episodes after he was seen taking out daughter Zahara for a helmetless [audible gasp!] bicycle ride in a non-bike-ride-approved baby sling [outraged, uncontrollable vomiting!]. [Rush & Molloy]
· Half of Namibians answering a radio poll think that the day that Angelina Jolie gives birth to the Chosen One should be declared a national holiday. It's not quite as good as a religion centered around the genetically perfect infant, but it still would be a nice thank you for all Brad and Ang have done for their country's tabloid profile. [TheAge.com.au]
· The always-reliable British tabloid press claims that Pitt and Jolie have granted the baby's naming rights to a Namibian chief, an honor he earned by murdering a paparazzi with his bare hands to prove his loyalty and by promising in advance to name the baby "Living Symbol Of Angelina's Committment To Alleviating Third-World Suffering." [Life Style Extra/Bang]
· The AP dares ask the chilling existential question, "What if the world's most eagerly awaited celebrity baby were born, and no paparazzi were there to record it?" Answer: Then that baby does not exist. There, that was easy. [AP]

Brad Pitt broke some bad news to his French fans earlier today, begging out of the Cannes debut of his latest movie via an e-mail explaning his absence from the festival:

· Brangelina news update: Number two adoptee Zahara is stricken by British-tabloid-transmitted mystery illness! Also, Namibia releases a paparazzo they jailed for trying to snap a picture of the pregnant Jolie, freeing him up to be brutalized by a bodyguard or devoured by a lion on his next intrusive attempt to photograph her swollen stomach.
· The Laughing Yogi will seriously freak your shit out. Do not under any circumstances view while high. [via boingboing]
· "Grown Iraqi men get misty-eyed by the mere mention of his name. 'I love Lionel Richie,' they say. Iraqis who do not understand a word of English can sing an entire Lionel Richie song."
· We refuse to believe that there is anyone in Sherman Oaks who is not suffering from a 103-degree case of McPheever. Those Oakies saw the Times coming a mile away.

· Lionsgate picks up the worldwide distribution rights to Ayn Rand's novel Atlas Shrugged, with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie rumored to be thinking about taking the lead roles. Pitt's wanted to play John Galt ever since he pretended to read the book at the urging of his freshman year girlfriend. [Variety]
· American Idol continued its soul-crushing, monotonous domination of the ratings, as 27 million viewers tuned in to watch Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest exchange "No, you're gay!" jokes. [THR]
· Warner Bros. TV starts its new Warner Horizon TV division meant to specialize in lower-cost cable TV and reality fare," moving Hollywood ever closer to its goal of producing programs in which no one involved in a show's production is paid any money at all. [Variety]
· Sony continues to find the going rough, but expects to ahve its corporate ass saved by The Da Vinci Code. [THR]
· We were just about to get on board with Mike Myers starring in How to Survive a Robot Uprising from a script from Reno 911 guys Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant, but then we hit this sentence: "Studio has received notes from Myers on the Lennon and Garant draft." Uh oh. Sample note: "What if the head evil robot had a really abrasive Scottish accent?" [Variety]

Everyone once in a while, celebrities seem to forget their contract with the public: They talk about their relationships and pregnancies, and we pretend to give a shit about their hobbies. If Jolie expects anyone to pay attention to her latest cause, she'd better call another press conference, pose for some pictures rubbing her swollen belly, and answer a few hard-hitting questions about how Brad decorated the nursery all by himself.

· Great moments in celebrity-related entrepreneurship: The Brangelina sign is a winner, but the guy running the Tom and Katie version of the scam had to sell his plasma after two donation-free days.
· Jay Leno may have lost The Gays forever...even the middle-aged, Midwestern ones that might have actually watched The Tonight Show in the last three years.
· Willie "Buddy Lembeck/Bibleman" Aames defends himself against Celebrity Fit Club's deceptive editing practices.
· Did Paris Hilton lose her Bentley in a poker game? Gossips say yes, flack says no, online poker gambling tries to capitalize! Developing!!!

Brad Pitt gets to combine two of his favorite hobbies—architecture, and doing stuff that will impress Angelina Jolie—in a competition he's spearheading that challenges designers to come up with innovative and feasible plans to rebuild New Orleans:

The complacent American paparazzi, who are merely willing to induce high-speed collisions with luxury automobiles while on the trail of a hot subject, should be shamed by the efforts of their ditch-digging, beating-catching brethren currently working the Pitt-Jolie beat in Namibia. Reports TMZ.com:

· Die Hard director John McTiernan has pleaded guilty to lying to the feds in connection with the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century. There aren't too many details as of yet, but we're hoping that tomorrow might bring some insight about what Rollerball-related problem could've been worth all this trouble.
· Jonathan Antin might be our favorite TV personality at the moment, and this pre-Blowout (we think) clip from Ali G should help explain why. Not only is he all about hair and creating beauty, he's also about kicking some motherfucking cocksucker terrorist ass.
· Naming your son Brett seems to ensure that he's going to grow up to be...colorful? Is that the right word?
· The usually loose-lipped Fez won't spill which of Hollywood's "most awesome, fantastic A-listers are jumping on board" his ChiPs project, but that sounds like he's getting some serious Masterson and Kutcher interest to us.
· According to a highly scientific USA Today survey, Brad and Angelina's Chosen One is beating Tom and Katie's Miracle Baby in the competition for the public's affection.

· According to the Sunday Times of South Africa, the Governor of Namibia's Erongo region could hardly contain himself after a breakfast meeting with the famous couple: "They are having the baby here and they talked about giving the child a Namibian name." The article also claims the baby is due next month and that "Jolie has been overheard saying that the couple 'think it's a girl, but we're not 100% certain.'" The governor, who was warned what would happen if he was loose-lipped about the highly classified information, was last seen unsuccessfully fleeing the couple's tranquilizer-harpoon-equipped security detail.
· In his ongoing efforts not to alienate little Maddox in the days leading up to the arrival of his probably-but-not-100%-certain sister, Hello! magazine reports Brad will be getting a Buddhist "prayer for protection" tattooed on his lower back in honor of his adopted son. Always pulling the short straw in daddy-displays-of-devotion, Zahara has to settle for a short round of knee-mounted horsey, followed by some quiet busy-time with her Disney's Tarzan coloring books.
· Daniel Pearl's widow, Mariane Pearl, tells the NY Times that the movie based on her book about her slain husband is still very much alive on Pitt's development slate. She chose Pitt in a bidding war over five other studios because, "he was the only one who had read the book." It may not seem like such a huge gesture, but the closest any of his competition came to it was the one studio exec who assured her he "glanced at my assistant's coverage, and wow, you got yourself a movie there, lady."

• Rumors continue that the Brangelina will spew forth its sexy spawn in the south African nation of Namibia; the couple may even give the child a local name, like Malaria. [NYDN]
• Originally from the now-defunct Radar, Mark Ebner updates his story of Girls Gone Wild freak Joe Francis and the trespassing pink dildo that Francis learned to love. Since Francis hosted Richard Johnson's bachelor party, it's a nice reminder of what you'll never read in Page Six. [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Is Kate Moss hooking up with Israeli investor Vivi Nevo? If his blow is kosher, then of course. [Page Six]
• Today in irony: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen front for Free Arts NYC, an organization for at-risk children. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
• Robin Williams tells GQ that he used to pick up Christopher Reeve's sloppy seconds. [R&M]
• Is the city of Miami is paying Page Six for "advice on media coverage?" Two mentions in a single day — we're just saying. [Page Six]
• Tom Cruise denies any involvement in Comedy Central's pulling of South Park reruns mocking the actor as being "in the closet." In fact, the decision was all R. Kelly's fault. [IMDb]

Even after Brad Pitt legally adopted and hyphenated little Maddox Jolie-Pitt, the tyke is still profoundly insecure about his place in the family with his parents' first biological offspring on the way. As a gesture of love and loyalty, Pitt allowed Maddox to give him a matching mohawk, but has yet to agree to his adoptive son's somewhat manipulative request that he and Angelina trade their forthcoming child for a Namibian orphan so that he won't feel "less special when the baby comes."

Perhaps caught up in the excitement from yesterday's Baby Spears High Chair Incident, the web-enabled stalkerazzi at TMZ.com brainstormed other celebrity-offspring-in-potential-danger scenarios, and having rejected items on Moses Paltrow's possible ingestion of day-old bangers and mash and Violet Affleck's theoretical exposure to the radioactive fallout from her father's career, decided to go with a story on what disaster might befall Angelina Jolie's unborn baby in Africa:

• Test audiences want Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn together so badly, producers are reshooting The Break Up so that the two leads don't, er, break up. [Page Six]
• Michael Douglas pulls the denial card, insisting that his disparaging remarks in GQ about Brangelina were misquotes. Or maybe he's just scared of their beautiful wrath. [R&M]
• Hey, remember Jennifer Lopez? Us neither. But she's suing her ex-husband, who's writing a tell-all of their marriage after she refused to pony up $5 million for his silence. Jesus — is it shakedown month around here or something? [Page Six]
• The estranged wife of right-wing billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife goes Naomi on his staff, assaulting his housekeeper, security chief, and "cancer-ridden" secretary. [Lowdown]
• Barbra Streisand refuses to appear on the series finale of Will & Grace, suggesting that Babs has no clue who constitutes her fanbase. [IMDb]