As American fast food breakfast innovation reaches new heights, Taco Bell’s new $1 breakfast menu manifests our nation’s deepest desire: “people really wanted bacon and they wanted it in breakfast items that cost $1.”

As you are no doubt aware, Southern butter wholesaler Waffle House just served its one billionth waffle.

This year (because of a law, obviously, not out of any sense of kindness), chickens will get bigger houses. That means the price of eggs is going up. Okay, good.

"Pizza" is a popular type of restaurant. "Brunch" is a popular type of meal. For this reason, some pizza restaurants believe that they can serve brunch. Not true.

America has a proud tradition of breakfast cereal, dating all the way back to John Harvey Kelloggs' crackpot theories on cornflakes and masturbation prevention. Now, the cereal industry is turning to a new generation of crackpots: people like you.

Burger King today announced that it will serve its burgers for breakfast now, as part of their new corporate philosophy, "Why try harder than absolutely necessary when the American people want nothing more than to eat themselves into oblivion to erase the pain of being locked into this zombie-like existence?"

Next to computer software and hairstyles for the bald, no field in the business world offers more competitive innovative thinking than fast food breakfasts. Witness the vast array of culinary creativity currently on display from our nation's leading dining options.

Taco Bell's latest marketing strategy is convincing consumers that Egg McMuffins represent the past, whereas "Waffle Tacos" represent the future. I suppose that's plausible.

There is nothing that you, the consumer, love more than a paper bag filled with piping hot breakfast items purchased from one of our nation's fast food outlets. It is the only high point in the otherwise dreary days of the majority of Americans. Fortunately, fast food breakfast will now be more inescapable than ever.

When you're "on the go," you need a breakfast that's quick, filling, delicious, and reasonably priced. Some restaurants apparently can't figure this out, so we have prepared a simple guide for idiots.

Nothing delights Americans more than when a taco goes too far.

When "fast food" was invented back in the 1950s or whenever, we were cautiously optimistic. A ground hamburger patty and french-fried potatoes served in less time than it takes to raise and slaughter a cow, plant a field of potatoes, and build a fire? Sure, why not? But today it seems that Americans have forgotten how to take their time with their food.

McMuffins all day long! Could McDonald's be ending their illogical policy of only serving breakfast during breakfast hours? CEO Don Thompson seemed to be flirting with that idea during a recent interview with CNBC, saying that McDonald's was working on "innovative ways of us expanding the breakfast hours, and some of those things we'll be seeing here in the near future."

Not even a delicious breakfast spread can unite a country. Public Policy Polling has released a survey covering how basic food preferences divide along party lines. PPP questioned 500 registered American voters from February 21 to the 24th, through automated phone calls.

If you order anything from McDonald's breakfast menu aside from hot cakes or some sort of biscuit sandwich, you deserve to be disappointed and/or disgusted. That said, no ordering mishap, not even one as egregious as that, merits the discovery of a nose ring in your breakfast burrito.

So, says here that Lucky Charms' new advertisement is targeting not children, but "adults who as kids grew up with Lucky the Leprechaun and are apparently running back to him in search of some feel-good nostalgia." I guess the General Mills™ corporation just likes throwing away money these days, because all of the adults I know have been eating Lucky Charms this whole time.

Residents of America: have you been approached by a friendly-looking man offering you free sweets from the back of a truck? Beware! This is not just any garden variety perv; it is a European perv, trying to corrupt our youth—by convincing them that "Nutella" is an acceptable breakfast item. It is not.

Down in Mississippi, Mitt Romney is learning to speak southern with common southern phrases:

Taco Bell is not going to be serving breakfast. That would be gross. Taco Bell is serving First Meal. It's the meal that comes after Fourth Meal. It's a meal that you eat at about the same time that you would eat breakfast, but which bears no resemblance to the "food" that normal humans would consume, for "breakfast." Observe:

Yes, it's made some awful business decisions, but the New York Times has been savvy when it comes to technology development, maintaining a research lab and corps of programmers who, to take one example, rushed out an app to ensure the Times was on stage at the iPad unveiling. Now the company's hackers want to reinvent how you eat breakfast.