There are so many legal ways to impress your lady, like producing funny sitcoms or taking her to P.F. Chang's. Moving her family into a stranger's "multimillion dollar" vacation home that you've broken into is not one of these ways, as young Todd Blauvelt now probably realizes.

If your media-given surname is "burglar" or "bandit," and you've been spending your days actually engaged in the practices of burglary or banditry, then you're probably pretty depressed right now! Unless you're dead.

Police in Estero, Florida last month arrested a man after he was caught on surveillance video stealing sausages and napkins from a retirement community's club house. 34-year-old Joshua Ryan Abernathy entered the Mariner's Cove Club House, took a shower, and wandered around inside naked to the amusement of some cute (and lively!) old people. When someone noticed the coveted sausages were missing, they reviewed the surveillance tape and recognized the burglar as a drifter from the area.

On Christmas Eve, a Dallas pastor, Sandy McGriff, was arrested for breaking into her friend's home and allegedly stealing fur coats, a laptop, and designer purses. McGriff says she thwarted two burglars, but an eyewitness has a different story.

A Texas woman had her car returned after it had been stolen because the thief wanted to scold her for leaving her toddler inside. He then ran away. There are worse people to take child-rearing advice from, I guess.

At 2:00 AM on Saturday morning, 70-year-old Jacqueline Cutright's Akron, Ohio home was robbed by a man wearing a clown mask and waving a knife. How did Cutright react? By remaining on the toilet! Cutright's charming local news interview, inside.

A man "holding 2 big knifes" tried to break into Paris Hilton's home this morning. Quick as a flash, she pulled out her cellphone—and took a picture and tweeted it while the cops slapped cuffs on him.

Panic swept over Berlin's Grand Hyatt today when a group of burglars carrying Kalashnikov assault rifles waltzed into a European Poker Tour tournament and made off with $1.2 million, before a live television broadcast. UPDATED

More people are unemployed and sat around covered in Pringles shards watching old VHS tapes they forgot they had. The plus side? That means the recession-afflicted are now fighting crime!