Tom Cruise's Rock of Ages dance training was a revelation. Dr. Conrad Murray is on suicide watch. Amber Rose says Kim Kardashian totally banged Kanye. Pregnant Jessica Simpson "crave[s] cantaloupe like a crazy person." Tuesday gossip can't control its urges.

From the Department of Totally Normal Home Sales comes the news today that Candy Spelling, wife of the late TV producer Aaron Spelling, has finally unloaded her famous 57,000 square-foot (yes) Los Angeles mansion for an undisclosed sum.

Katy Perry's mom writes a memoir about her daughter's dirty pillows. Chris Brown's neighbors hate him. Matt Damon on the transitive property of kissing. Prince William cuts water sports from his bachelor party. Monday gossip is damned.

Tom Cruise wants to be the next Fred Astaire, with Katie his Ginger Rogers. Lohan returns. Jesse James sells some stuff on eBay. Bret MIchaels risks his life for reality television. Sunday's Gossip Round up requires three double-A batteries.

• Remember last week when Lindsay Lohan announced that she'd "saved" a bunch of kids in India from becoming victims of child trafficking? Yea, well, it seems she wasn't even in the country yet when that happened, at least according to according to a leading social activist in New Delhi, who has since filed a complaint with the BBC, which was filming Lohan's efforts for a documentary. In any event, LiLo must be totally, like, spent from saving the world: She returned to the U.S over the weekend after spending less than a week there. [Telegraph, People]
• In other LiLo news, the Lohan family website is now selling some of her secondhand clothes. If you'd like to buy Lindsay's hideous wardrobe from back in her Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen days, you're in luck. [P6]
• The New York Post has added an esteemed new columnist to its roster! Ashley Dupre is the paper's new love, sex, and relationship columnist. In her first column, Dupre answers questions about a rebellious teen, how to tell if one's husband is unhappy, whether or not to share your "number," and also offers up some Christmas gift ideas. There's even a video to go with it in which Dupre is dressed up like a naughty schoolgirl. [NYP]

• Is Kate Middleton, Prince William's girlfriend, planning to move to New York? Possibly! [DM]
• A coroner has ruled Michael Jackson's death was due to lethal levels of the anesthetic Propofol in his body, which may very well pave the way for prosecutors to file manslaughter charges against Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray. [MSNBC, People, NYDN]
• In other Jackson family news, Barbara Walters has landed the first interview with LaToya Jackson, which will air on September 11. Exciting, huh? [ABC]
• Jessica Biel is the most dangerous celebrity on earth—at least when it comes to computer viruses. People who seek out info on Biel online stand a one-in-five chance of visiting a site "designed to damage their computer." [Us]

• It looks the end of the line for Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle and husband Eric Villency, the heir to a furniture store chain founded by his grandfather and occasional TV presence. It's Guilfoyle's second high-profile break-up. Her first husband was San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom. [P6]
• Sean Avery and model Hilary Rhoda were spotted "getting cozy" the other night. [P6]
• Ed McMahon, Johnny Carson's sidekick on The Tonight Show for more than three decades, has died at 86. [NYT, People]

• It looks like it's war between two Hamptons magazines that no one actually reads: A title called Hamptonite is now accusing Devorah Rose's Social Life of destroying copies of its debut issue last weekend. Social Life denies the accusation, although when members of the Real Housewives are involved, anything is possible, really. [P6]
• In A-Rod/Madonna news, the Yankee is still dating Kate Hudson and she's already started "following [him] around." For her part, Madonna is reportedly "livid" at Gwyneth Paltrow because she blames her for setting the two up. [P6, NYDN]
• Rihanna may finally open up about the alleged assault on her by Chris Brown: Prosecutors say they'll subpoena her to appear at a June 22 hearing to decide if there's enough evidence to move ahead with the case. [People]

Todd offered Bristol a new ride to get her to dump Levi, Spencer Pratt is the "King of Weed," Paris Hilton thinks that The Hills is "so lame and fake," Kate Hudson is traveling with the Yankees to bone A-Rod, and Susan Boyle may be institutionalized very shortly.

• It looks like Bethenny Frankel will be staying single a little while longer. A day after she and A-Rod were spotted on a "date" at a steakhouse in Florida, the Yankee was seen "canoodling" with a "trashy blond girl" at the Delano. Oh, well. [NYDN]
• It's official: Heidi Klum is with child. [Us]
• Good news for Jesus Luz: Not only is he back together with Madonna, he's booked Dolce & Gabbana's next campaign, too. [WWD]
• Estée Lauder CEO William Lauder says he's not paying his baby mama Taylor Stein the $500k a year she was promised because she violated their confidentiality agreement. Her lawyer says it was actually William's wife Karen who leaked word of the baby to the press. [NYP]

• You didn't think Eliot Spitzer was planning to stay out of the spotlight forever, did you? Rumor has it the disgraced ex-governor is hoping to get his old job back as attorney general once Andrew Cuomo runs for governor in 2010. [P6]
• Mel Gibson and his wife Robyn have filed for divorce after 28 years of marriage, reportedly because Mel has been involved with a Russian singer named Oksana Kolesnikova. [NYP, OK!]
• Madonna's PR offensive continues: Not only is she hoping to win hearts and minds in Malawi by releasing pics of herself holding baby Mercy in her arms, she also has had her former nanny talking up her parenting skills to any reporter willing to listen. [DM, MSNBC]
• Uh oh! Rumor has it Gwyneth Paltrow is planning to spawn again. [Sun]

Rihanna and Chris Brown are each swearing off tattoo parlors; Neal Boulton is swearing off booze and Jessica Simpson is swearing off everything John Mayer ever told her.

Candy Spelling has a book to sell. And a $150 million manor to sell. Both are good reasons for the widow of Hollywood megaproducer Aaron Spelling to be talking to 20/20.

Back when Arianna Huffington founded the Huffington Post, she promised a blogging free-for-all where Washington D.C.'s best and brightest would rub virtual shoulders with megawatt Hollywood movie stars. Three years later, the site's political promise has been fulfilled, but HuffPo can boast little in the way of celebrities aside from ponderings written by the other brother on Wings, pre-emptive "I Didn't Do the Nanny" missives from Rob Lowe, and the occasional drop-in by Charlotte's husband from Sex and the City. And then, for some reason, there is Candy Spelling.

For denizens of Los Angeles, living in houses as opposed to apartments has always been one of the few advantages of a city where you spend half your life behind the wheel of a car and the other half listening to people talk about weekend box office receipts or the latest and greatest new age routine. But real estate developers are now building more condos, according to today's Times, albeit condos that offer a "New York-style luxury high-rise lifestyle," which means "restaurants open 24/7, outdoor entertaining spaces and patrols by Israeli-trained security guards to foil the paparazzi." Sounds just like New York! Leading this trend? Famous bad mother Candy Spelling who, two years after Aaron's death, is selling her 56,500 square foot chateau-style house, with its famed gift-wrapping room, in favor of an apartment in a new Robert A. M. Stern designed building. But as you can imagine, the move won't be without its sacrifices.

• The federal probe into what exactly caused Heath Ledger's death has officially been closed. Which means Mary-Kate Olsen is off the hook, will not have to testify, and can return to her normal (or not-so-normal) life. [NYDN]

Instead of merely regurgitating this weekend's escalating war of words between First Widow Candy Spelling—who has found a late-in-life calling penning epistolary diatribes directed squarely at Hollywood's high profile, reckless youth—and fallen flashcore mogul Joe Francis (quick recap: Candy: "You're a boy gone wild!" Joe: "You're a crazy cat lady!"), we thought we'd turn to one of the web's leading opinion-havers on celebrity matters of little-to-no import—Bravo's blogging executive wunderkind, Andy Cohen:

Throughout Paris Hilton's recent travails, it often occurred to us that all the convicted socialite might really need is a just swift kick in the ass-goiter—preferably from a voice of experience who could sympathize with a life steeped in nearly unfathomable Hollywood affluence. We speak, of course, of Candy Spelling, whose fully authenticated open letter to the embattled heiress was posted yesterday by TMZ.com, having now expanded their mandate to include soapbox services for bored celebrity widows:

• Candy Spelling wrote an open letter to Paris Hilton about how to turn her life around. Later, Patty Hearst seconded her sentiments. [TMZ]
  

As we previewed yesterday, Tori Spelling, the little girl we all watched grow up, earn a starring role on her father's hit TV show, stage several failed comeback attempts, wreck a marriage, fail to show up to her father's deathbed, air her petty grievances with her mother on a series of celebrity rag covers, get pregnant, then turn the entire experience into an Oxygen network reality show, can now add another impressive line to her already inspirational biography: Loving mother of a healthy baby boy.