Preternaturally unfunny talk show host Jay Leno and keeper of the sing-songy one-liner, Rita Rudner, have both filed a lawsuit against an author who has reprinted hundreds of the performers' jokes—many of which were quite possibly written by the comedians themselves!—in a series of joke compendiums currently designated as required reading for scores of "Death of Humor" college seminars across the country:

It's been too long since last we paid a visit to the real world soap opera that is Anna Nicole Smith's life—Generally Hospitalized? All My Surviving Children?—in a year that has tested her like a busty, methadone-addled Job being toyed with by the Almighty. And yet through it all, and we hate to have to keep going back this, she somehow managed to limit our unobstructed views of her C-section scar and beyond to the one she sold to Entertainment Tonight featuring her baby being pulled out of it with forceps. When last we checked in, former Smith sugarpapa G. Ben Thompson had turned off the power in the Bahamian estate he helped her buy, which she insists was a gift. Now, the final steps are being taken to have her booted from the property completely:

Rapper Snoop Dogg's ongoing research-gathering mission into the inner workings of the LA criminal justice system returns to the scene of the crime (the Oct. 26 crime, to be exact, when he was arrested for possession of guns and weed at the Burbank airport, not to be confused with his Sept. 27 arrest at the Santa Ana airport for carrying a "deadly weapon"), when officers descended on the rapper as he left the NBC studios parking lot after an appearance on The Tonight Show:

Tracy Morgan, who every week on 30 Rock is required to reach deep into his actor's bag of tricks to play a loose approximation of himself, Tracy "proud as a peacork, baby" Jordan, has been picked up on another DUI charge following a night of some overly enthused celebrating of his ascendancy to Must See TV status. Reports TMZ:

Rupert Murdoch may have gotten into the holiday spirit by ordering a good, old-fashioned book burning, but that hasn't stopped several leaked copies of If I Did It, O.J. Simpson's description of how he might have gone about committing the heinous crimes he pretends not to have done, from finding their way onto eBay. Both HarperCollins and the Brown family have taken legal measures to see that every copy be destroyed, but eBay reps insist typing "If I Did It" into a search bar isn't as easy as it looks:

In his first interview since Rupert Murdoch pulled the plug on his pseudoconfessional ratings stunt spectacular, O.J. Simpson told a Miami radio show this morning that the entire "Hey—how'd you like to make an easy couple mil by describing how you would have gone about the tidy disposal of the ex-wife you loved so much (despite beating her senseless and threatening her life for years), and whoever else might have been around her at the time?" idea wasn't his, and, furthermore, that the interview contained nary an admission of guilt. Among Simpson's claims:

The frat boy pair suing the makers of Borat now have reparation-seeking company, as two inhabitants from the film's tiny, Romanian stand-in village are suing the production for $30 million dollars—a sum that, in the unlikely event that they should win, will be more than enough to put every citizen of Glod into their very own Clydesdale-drawn Cadillac. But as the film's reluctant stars' resentment towards the polyester-suited impostor continues to only fester and grow, Borat's original Enemy #1, the President of Kazakhstan—who once dipatched an elite deathsquad to snuff out Borat's website—appears to have finally gotten the joke:

Following the recent student/parent/ bodyguard/paparazzi stampede and pile-on at a Mumbai school used as a shooting location for A Mighty Heart (video of the terrifying, anarchic events available here), flawlessly bone-structured altruists Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have now found themselves in the unlikely position of having to defend themselves against some rare, bad press. Jolie has released a statement calling the allegation that one of her three bodyguards arrested in the melee called a parent a "bloody Indian" a "horrible rumor." But it's Brad Pitt, perhaps realizing the potential threat the impromptu and much talked about fight club could pose to their global good standing, who has taken the formidable step of going directly to the top with his damage control efforts, pleading their case to none other than Indian Oprah. From an Extra press release:

Realizing that golf club memberships and real-murderer-trailing private investigator fees don't pay for themselves, free-moving sociopath O.J. Simpson has teamed with publisher Judith Regan for a book and accompanying two-part Fox reality special, tantalizingly titled, O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened.

While his lawsuit may name him only as a John Doe, the tireless, truth seeking netizens at The Smoking Gun have identified one of the frat boys suing the makers of the Borat movie as Justin Seay, 24, whom you may recall as the portliest good ol' boy of the bunch. TSG has posted 8 photos from his MySpace profile, each featuring Seay in various stages of apparent shit-facedness, and always with a drink in his hand. Taken together, they suggest a fun-loving and irrepressible people-person, though they also provide overwhelming visual evidence that works against Seay's claims that he was coerced by producers into the heavy drinking that would ultimately make him do and say foolish and offensive things in a hit Hollywood comedy. This is clearly a man as proud of his love of libation as he is of his Southern heritage, as evidenced by that dorm room poster featuring John Belushi's iconic, Animal House crapulence accompanying a mounted T-shirt that hints at the pro-Confederate sentiments he and his buddies expressed to their Kazakh drinking buddy while under the influence of his cynically proferred moonshine.

FindLaw's Julie Hilden, the same columnist who once eloquently argued that Tom Cruise suing South Park for insinuating that he's gay would be as nonsensical as Michael Jackson suing Rolling Stone for claiming that he's black (or something to that effect), now takes a look at the recent matter of Britney Spears vs. Us Weekly. As you may recall, the newly unencumbered pop star had sued the glossy weekly for reporting that she and former joint-bank-account-depletionist Kevin Federline had made a sex tape and "acted goofy" when the subject of its leak came up in her lawyers' presence. An L.A. judge then dismissed the case, writing in her decision that "the plaintiff has publicly portrayed herself in a sexual way in her performances." But as Hilden explains, that ruling virtually ignores the stronger half of the defamation suit—the "goofy" half:

Despite having raked in untold millions selling every available photo, video, and autographed autopsy diagram relating to the death of her son and birth of her baby daughter, Anna Nicole Smith is still having difficulties making the monthly mortgage payments on her Bahamian home, which she insists was a gift from real estate developer G. Ben Thompson. TMZ is now reporting that Thompson, as part of his ongoing effort to evict the sedated new mom, has had the power turned off:

[Warning: Further Borat movie spoilers lie ahead.] Some of those "How'd they do that?" tricks up the sleeves of the crafty team responsible for making the Borat movie have already been revealed, including, "How'd they get those Polaroids of our hero within spitting distance of his supposed teenage son's sprouting chram?" (Answer: Hire a dark, twinky-looking gay porn star), and "How'd they get Pamela Anderson to give a semi-convincing performance?" (Answer: Actually, we still have no idea). The small matter persists, however, of that RV full of wasted, University of South Carolina frat boys, and just how their loudly voiced philosophical alignments with the faux-Kazakh on subjects such as women, Jews, and the lamentable abolition of legal slavery managed to make their way into the final cut. Now, an anonymously filed lawsuit seems to reveal, at least in part, yet more behind-the-scenes Borat movie magic:

Russell Crowe once again indulges his favored hobby—bemoaning his terminal victimhood at the hands of a cruel and unfeeling world—in a recent interview with CBS, in which the actor adds yet another item to the floor-length list of mitigations and provisos appended to his apology for having launched a telephone at the head of a New York hotel concierge. Reports the BBC:

TMZ.com has scored a major find in the Anna Nicole Smith three-ring tragedy circus: A sworn declaration by a woman named Laurie Payne, who befriended Smith in 2005 in the Florida Keys when they were introduced through a common acquaintance, Smith's friend-with-benefits G. Ben Thompson, a real estate developer from South Carolina. The declaration contains several bombshell revelations, among them that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of Dannielynn, and that Payne had witnessed Smith take "a rather high dose" of Xanax, in addition to having herself "personally administered" Anna Nicole pills from a bottle unsubtly marked "Methadone" during the pregnancy. An e-mail allegedly sent from Smith to Payne also came attached to the declaration:

The Smoking Gun reports that Wesley Snipes has been indicted for his involvement in a "bizarre tax avoidance scheme," in which he and two other men have been charged with trying to defraud the government of its fair share of the actor's mid-90s riches by claiming the obscure, oddly specific—and largely invalidated— "Section 57" tax code provision, which grants a massive refund to anyone who has ever mouthed the words, "Always bet on black!" without irony in a major Hollywood production. The Smoking Gun has the the details of the indictment, including the shocking revelation that Snipes somehow earned $19.2 million in 1997, a year in which his cinematic output was Murder at 1600 and One Night Stand (a fact that seems like an obvious red flag for possible fraud), as well as the document's dismissive description of Snipes as a defendant who "was a movie actor," an obviously intentional, unprofessional slight directed at his recent career.

In an astonishing turn of events that should upend everything you thought about you knew about celebrities' lawyers and the ease with which they can find a way to stomach their clients' reprehensible behavior once the check clears, one of Anna Nicole Smith's many attorneys has quit: Not fake-husband-lawyer Howard K. Stern, and not lawyer-lawyer Ron Rale, but a third counsel named Michael Scott, who, besides sharing a name with a character in a popular TV sitcom, now can also lay claim to another unique biographical footnote: "Told drug-addled, crackpot celebrity client to 'take a long walk off a short catamaran.'"

Feel better about your life this Monday morning with your latest Anna Nicole update, in an easy-to-digest, round-up format:
· About 50 of Daniel Smith's relatives, including his father Billy Smith, took it upon themselves to take the first appropriate step since his death and gather at the First Baptist Church of Mexia, Tex., pop. 6000, for a largely false-eyelash-free (but big-haired) memorial service. Most of the attendees hadn't seen Daniel since he was a young kid who loved horses and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And even though Anna Nicole nor David's body were present at the memorial, we're confident the business-savvy, grieving mom will find a way to sell the exclusive photos to the highest bidder. [People.com]
· The Scoop notes that the swiftness with which Anna Nicole was whisked through the Bahamian immigration system to become a full citizen—three weeks—has caused something of a local uproar. Amazing what you can get done with an alleged $10,000 check (or 1/100 of one People photo sale) delivered to the home of the Bahamas' immigration minister. [MSNBC.com]
· Debra Opri and Ron Rale, the attorneys for Larry Birkhead and Smith, respectively, are facing off in the media, with Opri's open appeals for a paternity test on behalf of her client eliciting the following response from Rale: "I will not discuss what was or was not said in chambers, but I do not believe Ms. Opri should make such comments to the press." To which he then added, "And just to make sure we're clear on this, I'm Anna Nicole's lawyer lawyer, not her 'creepy dude who exchanged nonbinding vows with her on a catamaran' lawyer." [ETOnline]

Besides owning the bragging rights to the title of "co-star of the second-highest-grossing Ashton Kutcher vehicle currently in theaters," Kevin Costner also has a significant stake in the Midnight Star casino in South Dakota—a pit-stop on the way to Vegas where Clark W. Griswold-types can drag their families and enact lifelong Old West gambling fantasies before loading up on souvenir fleeces and Costner DVDs in the gift shop on their way out of town. Costner is now attempting to squeeze out his two business partners, who may only own a grand total of 6.5% of the business, but who are making the buyout as painful as possible:

The Us Weeky blog has further details regarding Larry Birkhead's lawsuit against Anna Nicole. Birkhead isn't just claiming paternity—he wants full legal custody of the child, as he alleges that Howard K. Stern is enabling Smith's methadone addiction (the fatal key ingredient in her son's death), and that the reason she delivered in the Bahamas was to avoid tests that would reveal the baby had methadone in her system as well: