As celebrity relationships continue to crumble around us, one of Hollywood's sturdier love affairs that of Tom Sizemore and his heart-quickening, tooth-loosening mistress, crystal methamphetamine continues its tango of reckless passion:

Housekeeping thief to the stars Lucyna Turyk-Wawrynowicz pled guilty today to stealing from celebrity clients Robert DeNiro and Candice Bergen. As it turns out, however, this wasn't merely a matter of a sterling silver dessert fork here, a finger or two of single malt scotch there. No, this kleptomaniacal cleaning woman will go down as one of the great criminal domestics of her time:

There is happy news for the Dino De Laurentiis of inebriated, exhibitionistic, vacationing sorority girl cinema verite, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis. Darnell Riley, Francis' blackmailing assailant, has pled guilty to some of his alleged actual* crimes (by way of review, Riley broke into Francis' home, held him at gunpoint, bound him with duct tape, and forced him to repeat the words
I
m from Boys Gone Wild, and I like it up the ass,
capturing the entire scene on video for the purposes of extortion). And to paraphrase an oft-repeated sentiment borrowed from the files of Mystery, Inc., he might have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for that meddling Paris Hilton:

Pity the life of the paparazzi-preyed celebrity. When a regular citizen has a moment of maternal carelessness say, halfway home from Rite-Aid suddenly realizing their infant is still perched on the roof of their Prius they merely need heed the frantic gesticulations of passing horrified pedestrians, pull over, sheepishly retrieve their child, and carry on with their day. But when Britney Spears recently threw her tiny son in her lap and peeled away from a Starbucks, the moment was captured by lurking photographers and instantaneously launched around the world, followed soon thereafter by an authoritative rap at her door:

It's been a couple months at least since a cast member of The Sopranos has been implicated in a violent crime, but the thin line separating actors who play sociopathic goombahs from actors who actually are sociopathic goombahs continues to blur with news of this heartwarming celebrity-fan interaction involving Martin Scorsese's kazoo-voiced midget muse, Joe Pesci:

The Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century has finally put its indictments where its mouth is, charging professional eavesdropper to the stars Pellicano, an ex-LAPD cop, and five others with racketeering (a PDF of the entire document is available here). As was feared by many, and anxiously anticipated by many more, the indictment names a long list of celebrity clients who fell victim to Pellicano's allegedly crooked surveillance services, Sylvester Stallone and Gary Shandling among them:

Reese Witherspoon continues surfing the tube of good fortune: Fresh off wins at the Critics Choice, SAG and Golden Globes awards for her role as June Carter Cash in Walk the Line, not to mention a little Oscar nomination to call her own, comes news that the kiddie-pummeling paparazzo who ambushed her daughter's birthday party at the Happiest Place on Earth was found dead in his Brentwood apartment:

[Ed.note—We've gotten so many e-mails asking if we'd heard about Lee Tamahori that we're bumping this post from yesterday afternoon up to the top of the page. Is it really so hard to scroll down, people? A small update also follows the original item.]

Blogger Boysbriefs wrote to ask us if he was the only one who was experiencing deja vu from a galaxy far, far away looking at wire photos of Boy George entering a Manhattan court today (remember those 13 bags of blow? The case has been postponed until March 8.) Indeed, he has a point: The resemblance is uncanny between the star of Taboo and Anakin Skywalker (the original Jedi Anakin, mind you, none of this Hayden Christensen crap). If Boy George ever decides to play the harmonica line from "Karma Chameleon" himself on a neck-mounted mouth organ, he might find his concert ended early by confused Rebel forces

Exposed flab enthusiast Richard Hatch has been found guilty of tax evasion, for failing to pay taxes on his Survivor winnings:

In what could be a new record for American Idol, just two nights after its entertaining Tuesday night premiere (our favorites: mysteriously reappearing Mystic Tan girl, with honorable mention to the Statue of Liberty guy canned by Simon Cowell two notes into his rendition of New York, New York) we have our first arrests of the season. And in a touching, only-on-Idol twist, this time, the felons are twins:

America's Darling Paris Hilton is being sued for having planted a malicious story in Page Six about Zeta Graff, the ex-girlfriend of her then boyfriend Paris Latsis. TMZ got their hands on the deposition she gave on the matter last November, a document that reveals just how many complex, subtle shades of stupid she is. Some highlights:

Because we all live and die on incremental updates about the progress of legal proceedings regarding Brad Pitt's integration into the lives of Angelina Jolie's adoptive children, we are delighted to note that Us Weekly reports that Pitt's petition to officially hyphenate the adorable, multiculti tykes has been granted. The Santa Monica courts give you Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt, ending over a month of crippling anxiety, heightened by recent biological complications, that the heartless judicial system might callously deny the request on grounds that the names are unfashionably unwieldy. With this procedural matter out of the way, we can now safely return to more pressing concerns, like in-utero investigations into the inevitable attractiveness of the couple's forthcoming, "real" child.

Being a Hollywood assistant often comes with a list of job expectations that could never fit into a 100-word blurb on the UTA job list. Take for instance the recent lawsuit brought against Laurence Fishburne by a former assistant, who claims that Morpheus doesn't really care if you take the red or blue pill, as long as you take the Pill:

As Leif Garrett ponders his next step between violent, withdrawal-induced vomiting fits in an LA County holding cell, his fellow LAT "this is the end of your career on drugs" poster boy Brad Renfro stood before a judge today, where he managed to deliver a "not guilty" plea without cracking a smile:

There's finally some movement in the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century, but indictments to an anticipated net full of big Hollywood fish have yet to materialize. Yesterday, Keith Carradine's ex-wife pleaded guilty to perjury for earlier denying she knew that Pellicano (also her boyfriend, in an interesting twist) tapped Carradine's phone. Hardly thrilling stuff. But we now have our first, beautiful only-in-Hollywood moment of the proceedings, courtesy of a Pellicano case involving scary lawyer Bert Fields. Says the NY Times:

Congratulations are in order for Nick Nolte, who has successfully convinced a judge that he is completely clean and sober since being picked up in 2002 on the PCH for a DUI while high on GHB, an arrest which produced perhaps his career's most resonant image, the infamous Krusty the Clown-meets-the Crypt Keeper "mugshot" photo:

It's interesting to watch the drunk driving arrests of Lost actresses Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros play themselves out, as a sort of good souse/bad souse pattern appears to be emerging, with Rodriguez taking on the role of dissident dipsomaniac to Watros' cool and contrite. At their recent arraignment hearing, Watros turns on the waterworks (through a worded statement read by her lawyer, of course) and gets a slap on the wrist; but "Four Strikes" Rodriguez isn't swerving away quite that easily:

· J.Lo's wedding video is back in her hands, the $1 million ransoming thieves are safely behind bars, and the world can go on not caring about her anymore.
· Can't celebrity video thieves come up with a number besides $1 million? Even hoaxes like this one? I mean, come on! Use your imagination, Dr. Evil!
· How hard is this going to suck?
· But don't sweat it, NBC. We already have the concept for your next hit sitcom!
· Christian Brando is being sued for nearly killing his ex-wife. But did he kill Bonny Lee Bakley?
· The Reeler has gone and done something clever: a top ten of critics' top ten movie lists!
· Hmm, I wonder what's going on over by Cute Overload. Holy shit I just had a cute-induced brain aneurysm.

In the beginning, God made Lindsay Lohan the Actress, and He saw it, and it was good. Well, it was decent and could carry a Disney remake. But then the Actress begat the Party Girl, which in turn begat the paparazzi-demolishing Truckasaurus we now think of at the mere mention of her name. If we could, we'd like to take you back for a moment, to the primordial stirrings of the event that started it all, as there has been a major development in the case: