By now, we realize that we were "pap'd" by the Paris-and-Guru photo opportunity a few weeks ago, which was orchestrated by the devious media mastermind Ashton Kutcher and broadcast on Sunday night as part of his new show Pop Fiction. In the clip above, we watch Paris engage in her pre-hoax therapy-style production meeting, where she states that there is a "time and place" for all the paparazzi attacks launched against her, but that she has become exhausted by all of the unwanted attention. In order to put the papps in their place, she decided to combat all the unwanted press and guerilla forces NOT by avoiding attention, but rather by hitting some of her favorite hotspots with a mint-addicted healer impersonator in tow. That'll show em!

· 20/20 gets to the bottom of that whole bogus sob story about Tori Spelling spending the majority of her adult life on the brink of poverty. As John Stossel would say, "Give me a break!" Are we right, people?
· Report: Fake-love may have gone sour for Star Jones and gay husband.
· Joe Francis in transit: The flashcore mogul is being released from Nevada jail to face his Panama City, Fla. charges.
· It's a PR miracle! A big feature about The Dark Knight in the NY Times that doesn't reference Heath Ledger's death until the 17th paragraph!
· Britney Spears has been granted a $1500-per-week debit card allowance, which she'll burn through on the first day with one glorious Pinkberry containing double-servings of every available topping.
· Ah, we never tire of looking at pictures of the ageless Catherine Zeta-Jones and the ageful Michael Douglas.

Following a season of Project Runway is something akin to sticking your head in a gay pinball machine, at the end of which enough "fierces" and "feroches" have ricocheted off your skull to cause your brain to dissolve into a soft pink foam and run out your ears. It's an effect not entirely lost on the writers of SNL, who noticed that the search for America's Next Top Designer You'll Probably Never Hear From Again was perhaps a sconch over-reliant on oft-repeated catchphrases, whose non-meanings decreased with each sassy intonation. And we'd be remiss in not presenting the Fierce Trannie Hot Mess Gold Star to Amy Poehler, who really manages to capture the dippy, squared-off smile of Runway victor Christian Siriano.

Two-thirds of the American Idol grand jury stopped by The View today to promote their various side-projects (the completely pitchy-free Randy Jackson's Music Club, Volume 1 in stores now, dawg!) and dish about the greatest tournament in competitive karaoke history.

Charlie Rose brought the man he called "kingmaker of new technology startups" onto his show last week. The kingmaker told Rose that tech gossip blogs like Valleywag —ok he didn't actually name us, but we knew who he was talking about — are a "trainwreck." Quote: "Silicon Valley, I believe, we're all geeks. We're not ready for this kind of attention where, literally, people are taking pictures of the inside of your house." But then why did we invent the camera phone?

If you didn't get to experience the Sarah Lacy-Mark Zuckerberg keynote travesty firsthand — or just want to relive it — here's a short clip of the interview. I've cut it down to Lacy's most awkward moment, when Zuckerberg tells her she has to ask him a question before he'll respond. Watch the clip and you'll see that clearly, Lacy should have talked less and listened more. But doesn't Zuck remind you of an android from the future still learning the nuances of human conversation?

· It's Celebrity Rehab graduation, and without giving away too much, we'll just say that it's never too late for a breakthrough.

· Our favorite American Idol Season 7 moment so far, in handy animated gif form.

· Holy shit! Scubacar!

· It's official: Jermaine Jackson's transformation into the creepy Nipsey Russell Tinman from The Wiz that used to give us nightmares as a kid is complete.

· Lisa Marie Presley didn't want to have tell you about the pregnancy this way, but now that you've all had a good laugh at those fat pictures...Fine! It's baby weight! Are you satisfied now?

· And finally, someone sent this to us, asking, "Is this a tip?" We really have no idea, so we throw it out to you. Is this a tip?

How cute is this dog? You love animals, right? Then how come so many of you sickos flocked to look at that sick video of the Marines torturing that poor puppy? Thank God enough of you have your priorities straight—rich people are what makes us happy, especially young billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg. And sex: who doesn't want the price list for an evening of sensual pleasure? Ah, violence, money, sex — our work here is done. See you at Moose's, 4-8 p.m.

Trump: Barron, say hello to the group.
Barron: Haawdow!
Trump: And Barron hopefully some day will be a great entrepreneur. Melania, what do you think?
Melania: [Unintelligible] Vot vant do ven you grau up?
Barron: Beeednees.
[Laughter]
Melania: Beeezneesman. Zats riiiight. Like you daddee?
Trump: That is pretty amazing actually.
Barron: Daddee!
Melania: Daddee's a beezneesman. And vot doz daddee beeldeeng?
Barron: House.
Melani: Chauuuus.
Trump: He's doing well. Just 18 months old...
Carol: Wow.
Trump: ...and he's doing really well.

Feeling hungry? Try snacking on our Dirt Sandwich, a wild and woolly compilation of the moments in celebrity infotainment programming that made us simultaneously groan, chuckle and hurl this week. As always, we force politely ask Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer to watch this dreck all week so you don't have to. This week's highlights/lowlights include audio transmissions of John Ritter's surprisingly mundane final phone call to his wife ("I ate some pork left out in the sun") and the touching story of how Dancing With The Star's Marlee Matlin draws inspiration from a troupe of hearing-impaired ballerinas. Enjoy!

While we certainly hope that the ladies of The View are ladylike when it comes to using the ladies' rooms at other lady celebrities' houses [Ed. Note - That's a lot of ladies!], the same can't be said for the men who man Barbara Walters' camera crew. In this clip, Walters politely told the story of how her visit to Casa Cyrus for her (barely watched) Oscar special turned into a literal shitshow, with toilets overflowing and Miley's "very nicely attractive mother" Tish bitterly hissing under her breath that she didn't mind one bit. But the icing on the shitcake is the way in which the Cyrus clan says "Thanks For Visiting, Come Again Soon!", which, in a surprising twist, does not come in the form of a Hallmark card, but rather an engraved tchotchke in the shape of a golden toilet.

Everyone's seen the iPhone stopwatch reach a thousand hours. With that in mind, we decided to Digg a Digg story. Would it rip a hole in the fabric of our existence?

In a simpering interview on CNET — "Let's just get this out of the way," the host actually says — Sue Gardner, executive director of the foundation which runs Wikipedia, used the classic disgruntled-employee line to dismiss charges that Wales had abused his position there. But that's not the only way she made a fool of herself. "He's a good guy, he's a really good guy, he's a modest guy, he's a frugal guy," says Gardner. Oh, really? Read this transcript of a chat between Wales and ex-girlfriend Marsden, as he debates whether to go first-class or business-class on a junket to Korea in February, and judge for yourself. His hosts, not the foundation, apparently paid for the tickets; Gardner says Wales has only charged $1,100 to the Wikimedia Foundation in the past six months. All the same, if there's any sign of modesty or frugality here, I'm missing it.

Steve Ballmer's "Web developers! Web developers! Web developers!" monkey dance at Microsoft's Mix conference in Las Vegas wasn't the Microsoft CEO's first choo-choo ride on the crazy train. And frankly, in terms of entertainment value, it wasn't even close to his best. For those moments, see below. Turn up your volume for best effect.

"Are you a man" — hand chop left — "or a woman?" — hand chop right, asks a Nightline correspondent interviewing Megan Wallent, the Microsoft executive who came out as transgender last fall. "I'm me," Wallent replies. Good answer! But did the Nightline guy really need 15 seconds to spit out the question?

If you've ever spent more than eight consecutive hours in an edit bay, you understand that it's quite easy to lose your grasp on reality. And when that happens, sometimes the only way to cut the tension and spring yourself back to life is to drop an easter egg into what you're working on. Maybe it's inserting a random shot into a scene, maybe it's an unnecessary cut, it all depends on what the editor has available to work with. 99% of the time, those jokes get left on the cutting room floor by those humorless, good-for-nothing producers. But every so often, one of those easter eggs manages to sneak its way into the final product.