That thrilling rite of reality TV passage—the running of the Z-list celebs down the streets of Pomona and into the Dancing with the Stars studios for an unforgettable season of Mambos and Cha-Chas, marred infrequently by the occasional rogue-sequin blinding—is again underway, friends. Let's get right down to it. Here is your class of 2008-09:
Matt Harding, the guy who travels around the world taking videos of people dancing with him, knows how to work the system without doing much work. First, he got Stride gum to sponsor his video-making trip around the world. Since the result went viral, he's milked his fame on the speaking circuit. First he made yet another "dancing" video at Yahoo's Sunnyvale headquarters. Last week, he spoke at nerdy-person gathering Gnomedex in Seattle. Watch his talk and learn all about how much — or rather, how little — work went into the popular "Dancing" video. Or, skip to 4 minutes in if all you're interested in is yet another crowd of people doing Harding's funny-looking jig.
Actually, that's not the case at all. (Besides, everyone knows her event is javelin.) No, this was a photograph taken from the opening night of her Sticky & Sweet Tour in Cardiff, Wales. While there existed in it no single sacred-cow-buggering money shot like her last tour's disco ball crucifixion sequence—and the tour before that when she was lowered via loop-and-pulley system onto an engorged Dalai Lama—there was an eyebrow-elevating video installation in which images of John McCain were juxtaposed alongside "photos of Hitler and brutal Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe," while later in the show a similar montage featured Barack Obama spliced with pictures of John Lennon, Mahatma Ghandi, and Ron Popeil Al Gore. Needless to say, the McCain camp was outraged, as much over her heavy-metal bastardization of "Borderline" as they were the ugly comparisons to the Third Reich:
It was the eye-roll heard around the world (yes, you can hear an eye-roll — it sounds like a faint, wet "oh snap"): while doing a Good Day LA interview to promote Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, America Ferrera looked alternately bored and incredulous as costar Blake Lively nattered on about upcoming plotlines on Gossip Girl. The open mocking of the CW drama (without a single, hasty addendum of, "But it's a guilty pleasure!") sent New York's media world reeling, desperate to protect the scrappy little show that it had clutched to its bosom for so long. To that end, EW dispatched Michael Ausiello to corner Lively in an attempt to determine whether the actress now harbored anti-America sentiment:
There was a small, nonviolent, "mild" anti-war protest in Denver today, timed to the upcoming Democratic convention. The protest organization is stupidly named "Recreate 68," but has specifically decried the violence at the 1968 Democratic convention in Chicago. Fox News of course wanted to cover this boring thing in the most insane way possible, with race riots and burning flags and naked hippies on PCP. None of that was available, so instead Fox sent a nerdy correspondent to go right into the middle of a throng of protesters trying to march in the opposite direction. The protesters managed not to collide with the camera crew, so no one was hurt, but they refused to grant interviews and started chanting "Fuck Fox News," which means they are Censor Fascists who hate the First Amendment. Everyone has to grant interviews to everyone else, unless they are Nazis, which is why we are looking forward to our big video interview with Bill O'Reilly the next time we catch him on the street or outside his apartment or maybe in his office. Video of the leftist non-riot after the jump.
· Someone paid a visit to Closeted-Heartthrob Rapesville. Any suggestions? · Join us in mourning for MTV past and present. · Speaking of which, Spencer Pratt honed his worst-boyfriend routine. Heidi Montag withdrew to her blog. · Critically injured manager/producer Joan Hyler is making a quick recovery. Thanks, Nurse Arihead! · Jodie Foster's costly break-up threatened to upstage the Degeneres/de Rossi nuptials as the week's lesbian love story to beat. · Meanwhile, lesbian-of-convenience Courtenay Semel set the bar high for all those who will follow. · How did Christina Applegate beat cancer so fast? Oh. That's too bad. · Who's the better comedienne pundit: Roseanne Barr or Victoria Jackson? Actually, don't answer that. · The Fox-Warners Watchmen Blood Feud will only hurt the children. · Democratic wedding postponer Scarlett Johansson isn't Kanye West's favorite white girl for nothing. · In lieu of the CW showing us 90210 early, we settled for Shannen Doherty. Won't make that mistake again! · Naked-boy photographer and Star Wars toy licenser Howard Roffman seems like a nice enough guy. · Meet Wendy Williams, once and future TV talk-show goddess. · We took leisurely summer field trips to Molly McAleer's closet and refrigerator. Pizza, anyone? · As soon as God decides what He wants to do with the assholes remaking Poltergeist, believe us, we'll let you know.
· While many of you might not be old enough to remember 1985's landmark kung-fu / breakdancing opus The Last Dragon, we vividly remember making the case to our parents as to why we should be allowed to see it in the theater (it was PG-13 and, at the time, we were only 11). The Berry Gordy produced film left a lasting impression on us, which is why we mourn the recent passing of Julius Curry (aka Sho'Nuff). Who's the master? It was always you, Julius, it was always you. [WENN, YouTube] · While there may not be many film critics left, those that are still gainfully employed are doing their darndest to turn Anna Faris into the next "must watch" female movie star (following in the footsteps of Rachel McAdams and Amy Adams).[Vulture] · Have you been paralyzed by insomnia trying to figure out why in the world Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale would name their newborn son Zuma Nesta? You can sleep tight tonight, US Weekly has done all of the legwork for you. [US Weekly] · Oh noes, could Katie Holmes decision to wear Tom Cruise's jeans have actually started a trend? Jennifer Aniston is the latest to hop on the bandwagon. [Daily Mail] · Nudity enthusiasts and pervs rejoice! Tomorrow is National Go Topless Protest Day. Just in case you're confused, the group is going topless in order to protest, not protesting toplessness (because, really, who would do that?). Either way, it's all going down at Venice Beach. [LAist]
Though we may go back and forth on whether we want our MTV, one thing we can all agree on is that we want a Dirt Sandwich. Like your favorite music channel in its heyday, it's packed with pop stars (Britney! Sanjaya!), celebrity antics (Bill Murray skydiving) and even the occasional bit of sobering news (Christina Applegate's mastectomy). And that whole "quick-cut MTV editing" thing? We got that, too. Sit back, put down your remote control, and let Molly McAleer take you on a psychedelic trip through the world of celebrity infotainment that would make even a Radiohead video seem banal. And if you don't watch? Katherine Heigl is gonna point and laugh at you.
· You know how everyone used to complain that Britney Spears lip-synced her way through all of her concerts? Well, after seeing this video that isolates Britney's vocals during her "Live From Las Vegas" show, we're pretty sure you'll be thankful that backing tracks exist. [Funny Or Die via Buzzfeed] · We know that we're supposed to bow at the feet of Radiohead because, well, everyone bows at the feet of Radiohead. But we can't help but concur with Hold Steady guitarist Tad Kubler's recent comments about the band: "I think they've lost the plot. I like them as a rock band, all the buttons and sequencing and stuff like that I don't really care for. I'm a fan of rock music, and what they're doing now I don't think is very good." [Vulture] · We've been thinking a lot about Sharon Stone ever since we revealed her new twentysomething boyfriend yesterday. While her film career is stalled, we think we spotted a reality show opportunity that would be a perfect fit for her brand of crazy: Vh1's Cougar Camp. [NY Post] · This headline has us thankful all of the film critics haven't been killed off yet: "Hamlet 2: The First One Was Better." [Time] · Most of our favorite movies of the '80s require a healthy suspension of disbelief to enjoy. Teen Wolf was one of those films. But now, thanks to the comedy troupe Summer Of Tears, we're not sure we're ever going to be able to watch it again without contemplating how none of the characters raised an eyebrow when the bestiality angle came into play. [/Film]
As a fitting companion-piece to our passionate defense of all things Seacrest, we offer you now, as if a precious time-capsule sent to us from the near future, a glimpse at the approximately 11 million American Idol hopefuls who swarmed the East Rutherford Government Cheese Distribution Center and Unemployment Gardens for a shot at greatness. Yes, any two of these adorable, undiscovered talents might face off in the show's grand finale: Will it be the girl in the plush Mickey Mouse-top hat? The triple-prophesied blue-eyeshadow lady? Only time, and countless Paula Abdul concussion-inducing blackouts, will tell. In the meanwhile, have a little fun by filling in your own Simon Cowell dream-dismantling one-liners: "You sound like your state smells." Go ahead—try it. It's fun! [Yahoo Video]
Click to viewFrustrated with our explanation of Photosynth, which Microsoft PR persuaded the Financial Times to call a "new development intended to boost the pace of innovation in its online services group as it tries to close the gap with Google"? Check out this clip where Microsoft's Live Labs leader Gary Flake explains it himself — and tell us why Photosynth isn't really a change of pace for Microsoft at all.Fast-forward to the end. "It's quite feasible to run the synthing software right on your local machine," says Flake. Aha! So this isn't actually a Web service at all — it's just more of the same desktop software Microsoft has sold all along, with some Web features added.
Yes, you read that headline correctly, and now you can experience the magic for yourselves. This comes to us via Videogum, and it appears (sniff) to be some sort of portal into (whimper, voice crack) Trump's brilliant, wealth-accumulating mind via your TV at 4 a.m. (sooooobbbbb). After the jump, an equally insane clip about Trump's love of red meat—a point he's driven home before on The Apprentice, if we're not mistaken, in a lyrical metaphor for sexual preference that compared enjoying gay sex to eating spaghetti.
Congratulations to Barack Obama for finally running a no-holds-barred attack ad against John McCain. It's a masterpiece of the genre (the "more in sorrow than in fearmongering" attack), taking one odd biographical detail as proof of mendacity, with a touch of underhanded smear thrown in. You are poor and broke and the bank is taking away your house, but John McCain? He is so old he doesn't remember how many houses he has! (Narrator: "It's seven. Seven houses.") It's a fun little number. But as you watch our above compilation of some of our favorite attack ads of the last forty-odd years, well, you may notice that no modern candidate can touch the '60s for mean-spirited spite. LBJ will cut you to win reelection. Click to see the compilation, and Obama's modern attempt at the genre is below.
This video is a sales pitch demo for Image Metrics, a digital animation firm. Notice anything strange? The actress is a fake. Her face is computer-generated. She's a digital freak. Would you have known if we didn't tell you? No, you would have tried to ask her out for a drink later on. The point is, soon all actors will be unemployed. Click to watch the vanguard of your pixellated overlords. [via Adrants]
Continuing with our ongoing Defamer Decides 2008 political coverage (splashy logo forthcoming just as soon as we figure out how to work out another Photoshop 30-day free trial), we now bring you this new ONE campaign TV spot featuring Hollywood's most likable superstar and enviable nape-haver Matt Damon. The ad features the pedostache-free actor star soberly addressing the camera about their poverty-combating efforts. Fans should be warned, however, that the strange voices that soon emerge from Damon's lips are not the result of any multiple-personality disorders, secret hormone treatments, or Satanic possessions.Rather, Damon was transformed through the magic of A/V editing into the comely mouthpiece for a wide variety of American voices, "among them Michelle Obama, Cindy McCain and Mayor Bloomberg." It's an effective gimmick, if a little unfair to John McCain, who now can't help but hide his disappointment every time he rolls over in bed to the sound of his wife's voice, only to find a smiling Cindy instead of that dreamycakes actor from the Bourne movies.
It's a widely known fact that drag queens are magical space fairies, sent to this Earth to rescue most events (Thursday nights out, birthday parties, brises) from gloom and boredom. So it was disheartening to witness last night a situation that was so fraught with misery and frustration that even the drag queens' faggy cosmos magicks couldn't salvage it. Of course it's Project Runway of which I sing—un-watered hanging Babylonian garden of a once great series that it is. At least the judges demonstrated their impeccable taste and kicked one of the season's chief annoyances out on his bedazzled behind. The challenge was drag queens, as introduced by a Flight of the Valkyries-costumed Chris March, the lovablest contestant from the ridiculously superior last season. There wasn't really any context to the challenge or, rather, there wasn't really any NBC/Universal marketing tie-in so that felt both refreshing and, admittedly, a bit strange. I couldn't help but feel that there was nothing timely about the whole smoosh—wasn't mainstream drag queen mania birthed and put to bed in the 90's by movies like The Birdcage and Too Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything IRS, Love Wesley Snipes? Whatever, it brought Chris back so that was fun, but then he didn't even get to be the guest judge! What hooey! It was nice to see RuPaul alive and well and living in Stevie Nicks' hair, at least. Design-wise, there weren't too many surprises. Jerrel, though he is so so so annoying, can make clothes well. The trouble is he has no taste, as witnessed by his strange mess of greens and blues this week (and his floppy dustbowl prom queen ensemble from the Olympics challenge.) Those brown haired girls are proficient enough, but so sleepytime. Stella fell down some stairs in Detroit in 1976 and hasn't been the same since. Suede's design was capable if uninteresting, like the designer himself. Terri's was fabulous, probably because she was the most excited about the damn dairy queens and she chose the hardest one. It was nice to finally see someone take a risk rather than lashing together some little cocktail dress. Speaking of lashing together, Keith fashioned another of his car wash fringe debacles and Blayne did something involving wings and Silly String that was so bright it made a 10-year-old girl from Tokyo blush (I know it's drag queens, but this was just urgly.) Also, Blayne continued on his Quest for Catchphrases, prancing around the design room saying that if he was a drag queen (rather than the tree burl dipped in buffalo sauce that he is now) his stage name would be Neonlicious. Because, I guess, what? Farrah Moans. There's a funny, punny drag name! Neonlicious is that new flavor of Mountain Dew you can vote for over the phone. Tranny Ferocia—or whatever Christian's chosen wrestler name was—was even cleverer. Someone put Blayne in a drawer, please. And then, pfffft, Joe won for his infantile "Ann-Margaret on The Love Boat" sailor pantsuit. For some reason, the outfit, and the way his model wore it and walked in it, made me really uncomfortable. It was like watching Shirley Temple, fifty-years-old and drunk, doing some kind of Charles Nelson Reilly pastiche. Or something. (I'd been drinking at this point.) At least Daniel went home for once again failing to complete the assigned task, choosing instead, as always, to make one of his poorly-crafted, boring frocks. No tears shed for the loss of his "high-end glamor" aesthetic or whatever it is he's peddling. So yeah, if I seem exhausted it's because I am—with drag queens, with this show, with August (and everything after.) I switched over to the Olympics once the show was done and there was competition that felt fresh and exciting and genuine. And those damn things have been around for thousands of years. Though, they didn't try to have five competitions in three years, now did they? Oh, and look. Love. Blech. Click to view
TMZ has uncovered brief footage of Rielle Hunter on a game show called Lingo in 2002. Salient details: The show was hosted by Chuck Woolery of Love Connection fame (HA), and also Hunter claims to be practiced at moving on from things, even though she's now living on the dole of a supporter of John Edwards more than a year after the Democratic politician said their affair ended. Maybe she has some other reason for taking the money, other than being clingy, like a scandalous GENUINE love child. This very brief excerpt is pretty convincing/damning/irrefutable.
