· Seriously—one towel, Jack Black? We can't even get one towel to stay securely wrapped around our waist after a shower; do you just wrap it around your head like a turban and prance around the house air-drying? What are we saying. Of course you do. [The Cho Show] · You know, we didn't want to say it—but that All Growed Up feature on TMZ has felt a little phoned in as of late. [Jossip] · You've thrilled to A Very Brady Gangbang, now enjoy a similar blaspheming of your favorite monster family in This Ain't The Munsters XXX. Be sure to browse the gallery. [Munsters XXX] · You've waited long enough: Ladies and gentlemen, Sanjaya's Nationwide commercial debuted today. [Nationwide] · Finally, someone has mapped out The Periodic Table of Awesoments. [Dapperstache]

We don't know if you've been keeping up with the big-ticket realty-sales going on down by Bravo's Million Dollar Listing, but these aren't one-bedroom rentals in Van Nuys, mmkay? Seriously posh properties are being sold to seriously surgeried occupants by seriously egg-haired agents. As fabulous as these homes are, however, there's still nothing like the personal touch of being left a beautiful orchid accompanied by a handwritten note wishing that they "have a wonderful summer in the BU." BU. B. U. Buh? Byooooooh. Boston University? Blair Underwood? We're stumped.

While some in Hollywood might see Heath Ledger's two-year-old daughter as a sacred cow, to talk show host Wendy Williams, she's red meat. Last seen offering unsolicited advice to a recovering Christina Applegate, Williams today turned her attention to Ledger, who died without updating his will to include his daughter Matilda or his ex, Spike Jonze-canoodler Michelle Williams. In response, actors Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell will be donating their fees from The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (which they stepped into after Ledger's death) to both Michelle Williams and Matilda, an act of generosity that does not go unremarked-upon by Miss Wendy. Watch as she again horrifies her audience by going there in a bizarre, sperm-soaked metaphor meant to defend Matilda. Wendy, Wendy: with friends like these, who needs enemies? [The Wendy Williams Show]

Best known as the creator of the Ultima series of online games, Richard Garriott has traded in his usual Elizabethan attire for cosmonaut's jumpsuit as he prepares to rocket into space for a week and a half aboard the International Space Station. Wired's David Kushner tagged along as Garriott was subjected to simulations, g-forces and Russian hospitality in Star City, the Soviet-era cosmonaut training facility.Garriott has been chasing the space dream ever since he was diagnosed with poor vision and told that he would never be able to follow in astronaut father Owen Garriott's zero-gravity footsteps. The eight-month training regimen is meant to limit the danger inexperienced space travelers like Garriott presents to the safety of the crew. While Garriott says that he'll be helping with experiments and wishes he could claim the title of "astronaut" or "cosmonaut," officials are a little more sanguine about the role wealthy dilettantes with daddy issues play. In terms of actual progress on research: "People say it is better to send monkey," military spokesperson Marina Driga told Kushner.

If nothing else, Tropic Thunder will go down as summer 2008's greatest single incubator of distractingly hairy outcroppings. Having already been lulled into a heady 'stache trance by the marvelous things happening atop Robert Downey Jr.'s lip on a recent GMA appearance, we now present for you a scene featuring Tom Cruise's much buzzed-about cameo as Les Grossman, the furry-knuckled, sociopathic studio chief who wants his war movie delivered on time and under budget.While much has been made of whether or not this tangent into the realm of prosthetics-and-yak-hair-based comedy marked a new beginning for the faltering superstar's career—or a spectacular start to its end—there's no denying Cruise's investment in the demonic performance, as if he realized what was stake as the cameras rolled. Yes, this is truly one for the ages, with Cruise's unforgettable delivery of, "Take a big step back, and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE" sure to be sandwiched between the Risky Business underwear sequence and Born on the Fourth of July's climactic protest scene in future billion-year lifetime achievement award ceremony highlight reels.

Inside Facebook's Justin Smith used Google's Insights for Search tool to map Facebook's spread across the United States and the world. We converted a few of his slides into a time-lapse video, above, revealing how Facebook ping-ponged between the coasts before finally filling in most of the country's middle, except for a few farm states where teenagers are probably still asking "a/s/l" in AOL chatrooms or something.

We apologize for being late arrivals on the Wendy Williams train — in all fairness, it's a ride that ends more often in trainwreck than not. But oh, what a glorious trainwreck it usually is! The gossipy radio doyenne is nearing the end of her six-week tryout as a TV talk show host (and was just picked up for a nationwide run by Fox) and though Williams never been one to self-censor, she's really hit her gasp-inducing stride during the final stretch. Watch as she discusses Christina Applegate's recent mastectomy, free-associating until she remembers that Applegate is friends with Jennifer Aniston, a Williams bête noire. Her ensuing advice leaves no Must-See TV star unscathed (and even freaks out the audience a little). John Mayer: your rebuttal, please? [The Wendy Williams Show]

While The Hills returned to MTV last night with all the girl-on-girl drama and awkward pauses we've come to know and love, it was the Heidi-and-Spencer subplot that gained most of our attention. Sure, the storyline seemed simple on its face — Heidi's sister comes to stay with the pair, a development that forces Spencer to grit his teeth — but beneath the surface, Spencer's passive aggression was at full blast. With the help of Molly McAleer, we've assembled five moments from last night's episode that best illustrate Spencer's unique approach to controlling the woman in your life. When Heidi's cry for help comes, will we hear it — or it will be buried under ProTools? [MTV]

Whatever investment we still had in Project Runway—the once-great, now-irritating sartorial decathlon presided over with an iron fist by Teutonic Sealfucker Heidi Klum—it was quickly sapped away by last (Lipstick Jungle!) week's corporate synergistic (Lipstick Jungle!) episode guest-judged by Brooke (Lipstick!) Shields (Jungle!). Still, challenges are at hand, models require fittings, and various Its are in need of being made to Work; so we trudge ever onward, swallowing our basest designophobic tendencies as we endure a violently unlikable bunch.There's of course that blonde freak whose obsessive need to append the suffix "-licious" to any word he cant think of can only be logically explained away as some ugly neurological byproduct of methamphetamine addiction. There's Suede, he of the blue mohawk, because just a wispy, gelled mohawk isn't quite stupid-looking enough; did we mention he goes by "Suede," and refers to himself in the third-person? Is it any wonder, then, that the laser-depilated, elevator-boot-wearing drag cavalry was called in to shake up the proceedings? There's really no following an act like Christian Siriano: This show is a victim of its own fierceness.

With the possible exceptions of various sarcastic asides by John Dickerson and Jack Shafer, online journal of contrarianism Slate has run like one intentionally funny piece in its 100 year history-this examination of Chuck Klosterman jacket photos by Doree-so we're not entirely sure why they keep trying. Humor is not really your bag, Slate! Today we received an ominous email from Slate's indefatigable flack: "Slate V Spoofs Lolcats: Polcats—What if Barack and Hillary Wuz Kittehs?" It might go... a little something... like this: Click to view Slate, this is the kind of idea we get at like 4:30 p.m. on a Friday and we think better of before we even finish the email pitch to Blakeley. This is apparently the kind of idea you decide to publish as an actual book so our advice is probably falling on deaf ears.

· We don't know if you'll find Norm Macdonald's bit from last night's Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget as funny as we did, but one thing's for certain—this guy put in exactly the amount of effort that a Bob Saget Roast demands. No more, no less. [Comedy Central] · We remember begging our parents to let us drop out of high school to pursue Colecovision's B.C.'s Quest for Tires full-time. They refused. We're thrilled to report, however, that for one dedicated Guitar Hero addict, things turned out a whole lot better. [Kotaku] · Yo Gabba Gabba! Toys have been available for the entire month of August, says Yo Blogga Blogga, the official Yo Gabba Gabba! production blog. [brobee.blogspot.com] ·If you missed the new The Curious Case of Benjamin Button TV spot that aired on the Olympics yesterday, here's a really crappy reproduction. [/Film]

By all accounts, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi's Saturday wedding was a stunning and intimate affair, the two beautiful brides eliciting audible gasps from the guests as they walked down the aisle, trailed closely behind by Iggy the Flower Dog tossing mouthfuls of white rose petals. Obviously, the world bids these two rapturously-in-love and talented ladies a lifetime of happiness together, though it's interesting to see how those good wishes sometimes play themselves out. For starters, we have CNN's headline on the nuptials, noticed by blogger Chexydecimal, which reads, "Ellen DeGeneres 'marries' Portia Rossi." After complaints were lodged, they pulled the scare quotes—floating there like two chubby, hooked televangelist's fingers—but kept De Rossi's last name wrong. T.R. Knight's internalized, anti-breeder wrath nearly ruins the wedding video, after the jump!At the other end of the spectrum comes a video greeting card from People.com, where Katherine Heigl opens the well-wishes with a thoroughly exasperated, "Marriage...[defeated exhalation] marriage..." Glad you're loving it, Kath! Then, T.R. Knight swoops in to give what could very well be the most depressing congratulatory wedding message in history. He almost cracks a smile near the beginning, then pauses thoughtfully for an uncomfortably long moment before launching into a diatribe about "the anger, and rage, and rage, and sadness" he feels at the many wrongs inflicted by this country upon, presumably, Caucasian males making seven-figures a year such as himself. Thank God Jason Biggs is around to add a little—you know—happiness to the proceedings. This dude loves marriage! And breeding! He's a marriage-loving, breeding machine!

He speaks! In the midst of fending off the rumors swirling about his job security, NBC head honcho Ben Silverman has taken time out to become a recurring Olympics correspondent for Ryan Seacrest's morning radio show on KIIS-FM. Broadcasting & Cable has the scoop (not to be missed is Silverman's quip about his Chinese tour guide: "Her name is Fun Fun, so you can imagine how much fun-fun Fun Fun is"), but with the help of Molly McAleer, we've assembled some of Silverman's most enthusiastic moments in the video after the jump. Who knew that Silverman and Seacrest were so well-versed about the gay goings-on in West Hollywood? [Broadcasting & Cable]

It's been less than a week since Allison—Intervention's computer-cleaner-inhaling breakout sensation—first huffed her way into our hearts, but you can already feel the profound effect she's had on the social landscape: Wander into a Staples, for example, you'll quickly notice laser-printed signs at the register warning customers "FALCON DUST-OFF NOT FOR RECREATIONAL USE." Why, right here at Defamer HQ, we've been delighting in the cortex-smoothing, color-enhancing effects of the affordable aerosol stimulant sitting under our noses all along. (We apologize for any recent deterioration in the quality of the posts, however, and promise you that gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr dooooooodle dooooooodle doooooooooo....MAN that's good stuff!) Anyway, because the only thing better than an old fashioned YouTube huffer meme are the inevitable remixes that follow, we're thrilled to present this uplifting, toe-tapping take on Allison's memorable peaking catchphrase—"I feel like I'm walking on sunshine!"—which she delivers with all the head-swiveling pizzazz of The Facts of Life's Cousin Geri.

While The Hills star Audrina Patridge launched an exciting, product placement-filled blog during her summer vacation, costar Heidi Montag has mostly laid low, content to let boyfriend Spencer Pratt soak up the slings and arrows for a few months. Now, with the season four premiere set to air on MTV tonight, Montag has emerged like a gator from the water, opening her fearsome jaw not to chomp on some unlucky water fowl but to let fly the synthesized tones of her brand-new single, "Overdosin'" (excerpted after the jump!). Says Us Weekly:

Sure, your iPhone 3G's touchscreen is nice, but with Ringo, a "holographic shadow," you don't have to touch anything. According to this clip, a Ringo-enabled mobile device's buttons will project onto the ground in front of you. Skip to 1:15 in the clip embedded below and see handy this could be when it comes to walking directions from Google Maps. The only holdup? Ringo doesn't exist yet. Neither do the other 9 user interfaces Smashing Magazine features in its list of "10 Futuristic User Interfaces." We know that won't stop you from ogling them inappropriately.

Years before Rielle Hunter carried on a torrid and weird affair with John Edwards (and years after her presumably torrid and weird affair with Jay McInerney) she tried her hand at acting in the moving pictures. Here she is in her star turn as "lady who holds a microphone up to Denzel" in the classic film Ricochet. As far as we know, we're the first ones to track down and digitize this scene—and probably the first to watch the movie Ricochet since 1992 or so. (Well, we didn't watch it. But someone at the office had to!) Enjoy!

We've been made vaguely aware that there recently existed some sort of romantic entanglement between preternaturally unlucky in love Friends star Jennifer Aniston and female-anatomy-as-human-amusement-park-rhapsodizing troubadour John Mayer—and that it has ended, badly. Our condolences go out to both of them, but particularly to Aniston, about whom we're really starting to believe that one-eyed Gypsy woman who grabbed us on a Melrose sidewalk, wagging a gnarled finger in our face as she warned: "Mark my words—Jennifer Aniston will die alone!" before vanishing into a nearby alleyway.In any case, an emotionally agitated Mayer was approached on the streets of Manhattan by reporters hoping for a word on two on the breakup. Mayer then offered them more material than they had ever hoped for, turning the tables on the stunned-speechless gossip hounds by insisting they print the truth (for once!), instead of spinning scurrilous hearsay into cover line gold. Unfortunately, he sticks around about two minutes too long; by the time he offers, "I don't waste people's time...I'm just being honest, yo....Let's poll the people around us and see if my theory is right that 20% of them would have liked to have dumped Jennifer, too—they just didn't have the guts!" things just start getting uncomfortable for everyone involved.

For $149, you too can go to LiveAutographs.com and get a personalized video and autograph from William Shatner, Carmen Electra, Hulk Hogan, Ted Nugent, about half the cast of Lost, or Battlestar Galactica's Cyloneriffic Tricia Helfer. TechCrunch editor Michael Arrington blew a couple of Benjamins to test the site and sure enough, here's Shatner's videotaped greeting. Drop the price to ten bucks and we've got a business model for Julia Allison.

Union Square Ventures partner Brad Burnham — the one who isn't blogorrheic Fred Wilson — says it's time to move past startups "driven by self-expression and discovery online." In an interview with The Deal, excerpted above, he says that those kinds of companies had their day three or four years ago. Now it's too hard for anybody new to the user-generated content space to find enough users.By which the Twitter investor actually means to say: "Back off, you'll never catch us now!" to the likes of Benchmark's Peter Fenton, who just recently invested in FriendFeed. Competitive posturing aside, Burnham goes on to say what Union Square Ventures is interested investing in next: "Areas where you're actually having an impact on someone's work, someone's life, someone's real-world experience." Sounds great, but how do we Google that?