Consider this: Ben Huh runs a site that takes submissions of stupid cat pictures with pidgin English captions written across them. That site, I Can Has Cheezburger, pulls about 2.2 million pageviews a day. Like the HotOrNot guys — who sold their site for $10 million earlier this year — Huh is a lucky guy who's making bank off an obnoxiously simple idea. The delicious irony: According to the above excerpt from an interview Huh gave with Internet Superstar, he's completely allergic to cats. "If I pet a cat, which I can't resist, I immediately start crying. I get itchy in the face. I look like a diseased cheeseburger guy." Ben, we're oh so sorry to hear that. The full interview is embedded below.

It occurred to us here at Defamer HQ that The Love Guru—by all accounts, the most execrable film sediment to coat our cultural shores in eons—marks something of an Unfunniness Benchmark for its dwarfhandling star, Mike Myers. Which got us a-thinking: Was he ever funny? What if we could map the relative comedic trajectory of his collected oeuvre over time and space, in a scientifically controlled environment?

· P. Diddy couldn't be more excited about Hancock: the first legitimately mainstream black superhero! (Don't point out the drunken loutishness—he's happy as a motherfucker and we'd like him to stay that way.) [PaulScheer.com]
· "Angelina Jolie is way too thin to be an action hero!" says whoever ABCNews.com could find to offer a quote corroborating their Angelina Jolie-is-too-thin-to-be-an-action-hero story. [ABCNews.com]
· Take a tour of the insanely huge Brooklyn mansion Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany are leaving, and the insanely expensive TriBeCa loft they're moving into. [ONTD, The Real Estalker]
· Wesley Snipes can travel to London and Bangkok to shoot two movies while his Totally Insane Tax Avoidance Trial of the Century appeals are processed. [Yahoo/AP]
· Here's photo evidence of Brett Ratner holding one of his five Big Penises. [VMan]

As we approach America's 232nd birthday bonanza celebration, we here at Defamer HQ can't help but feel more than a little bit patriotic. After all, this great country of ours affords us so many rights and privileges. Like the right to bear arms! And the right to free speech! And the right to shoplift a tanktop from Express when you were but a teenag ... wait, what? We don't remember reading about that last right in our history books, so what is Molls doing waving that factoid in our faces in this evening's To Do's? Well, you'll just have to watch and see...

While most of her employment opportunities of late have come from Down Under in the capacity of a celebrity shot-girl for hire (do they swirl down your throat in the opposite direction, we wonder?), Tara Reid has apparently also been keeping busy on our own shores, gearing up for an exciting new reality show. (We see no mention of it on her IMDb page, so we'll assume the first season of Tarafied: Celebrity Foreclosure is a staight-to-web venture.) In the above TMZ segment, one of the scripted verité sequences requires the frequently botched actress to enter formerly fashionable Hollywood social establishment Hyde. One of TMZ's stanchion-shackled documentarians then helpfully offered some improvised crowd noise—which leads, for some reason, to the frustrated crew repeatedly pointing out his Asian heritage: first disparagingly, then, as a means of bridging the paparazzo/Z-list-entourage divide. Oh, let's just let TMZ's Great and Powerful Harv explain it. Roll it, Harv!

Not only is the all-American cast of I Survived A Japanese Game Show required to insert themselves weekly into a variety of life-sized pachinko machines, but the premise of the show is such that they are deprived of the familiar comforts of their homeland. That leads to all manner of East-West culture-shocks—the kinds that until now could only be adequately captured by a Sofia Coppola movie—and proverbial hilarity ensues. In the clip above, chaperone Mama San prepares a Japanese breakfast feast for her fabulous-cash-and-prizes-loving houseguests. Trussville native Justin dives into the adventurous culinary proceedings as if it were a bonus-round Velcro wall; sometimes, however, even the most open-minded and -stomached of intentions can be sidelined by the garnish byproduct of a carp's Brazilian.

This oustandingly well-done music video is nearly a year old. But even online-TV maven Nick Douglas says he's never seen it, so it's today's mindless lunchtime entertainment. Tip for the Olds: The song is a rewrite of Puddle of Mudd's "She Fucking Hates Me." Tip for the Youngs: The graphics are from an ancient MMORPG called RuneScape that dates back to January 2001 — they didn't even have iPods then!

Movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has always resented the fact that peers made more money than him with what he deemed to be inferior films. These days, he's obviously overcome this problem by milking reality shows for millions to prop up his more artsy products; but he couldn't always be so sanguine. Here we have a priceless and EXCLUSIVE classic from the archives: a recording of a phone call between Weinstein and Disney exec Joe Roth, taped shortly after Michael Ovitz-a spectacular failure as head of Disney-was paid more than $100 million to leave the company in 1996. Weinstein is galled beyond belief (and perhaps a bit envious). "Let's quit today!" he jokes. Why, he works his ass off and what does he get? A fucking lecture. "Joe, you're a success, so therefore you're a failure in this business," Weinstein complains. Then he insults his fellow moguls: "Between Peter Guber and Mike Ovitz and everybody who fucked up...Everybody got wealthy on failure." Weinstein just cares too much about the films, you see; "We have character flaws that must be overcome," he sighs. Thanks to Project Runway, he's done so. Click to listen to the titan of Hollywood in all his expletive-spitting glory.

· The Bachelorette producers must hate DeAnna Pappas. That's the only reason we can come up for airing this gag reel that reveals her softer belching and English-butchering sides. [The Bachelorette]
· Goldenfiddle compiles some of the best Wanted bad reviews into one hilariously satisfying read. [Goldenfiddle]
· This wound itself around the internets late last week—Jezebel ran a full transcript—but in case you haven't yet heard it, we now proudly present: The Douchiest Phone Message In History. (By the way, we have the perfect backup-Olga for you, Dmitri: DeAnna! She's Greek, too!) [Holytaco]
· The familiar punim of Rastajewian superstar Rogen graces the new Pineapple Express one-sheets. [TrailerAddict.com]
· And finally, we turn to the only man who can properly assess the Bear Freaking A Tree video currently eating the web alive: Defamer editor-at-large, Mark Lisanti. "Oh, my naive little friend: Clearly, once properly aroused by massaging his back on the tree, he's unleashing the full fury of his engorged bearcock on a quivering knothole. Sure, the splinters are a bitch, but such is the price of ursine erotic satsifaction." [Lisanti Quarterly]

Here at Defamer HQ, we try our darndest to keep our internal politics from interfering with what you see on the homepage. For instance, you never read about the time that a heated debate between Seth and I about whether George Clooney or Val Kilmer was the worse Batman ended in fisticuffs. You also never heard about the time that Molly McAleer and Molly Friedman got into a slapfight so intense over who got rights to the molly@defamer.com email address that NATO had to be called in (the Gawker Media legal department has forbidden that we disclose who won that fight). But sometimes we get emails from readers that, try as we might, we just can't keep behind the scenes. One of those notes is the basis for this evening's installment of Defamer To Do's, starring the one and only Molls. In keeping with today's French theme, her rant tonight revolves around the highly controversial issue of the use of maquillage in these here vids. Enjoy!

Yesterday, we unveiled a short excerpt from Vanity Fair's exciting "Fresh New Hollywood Faces Of Tomorrow Today or Whatever" issue, in which Superbad breakout-sidekick Christopher Mintz-Plasse was made to answer a series of revealing multiple-choice questions. ("Coffee, tea, or me? Boxers or Lethal Injection?"). Accompanying the interview was a stunning black-and-white portrait, in which Mintz-Plasse teetered on a tree limb next to three comely up-and-comers: Zoë Kravitz (Lenny's kid), Superbad co-star Emma Stone, and Olivia "Honest to Blog" Thirlby. What the bucolic photograph successfully managed to hide, however, was that it was taken in the middle of a heavy downpour.

The oddest thing about this clip of adorable CNN unicorn Anderson Cooper flirting with legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin is that Coop calls Toobin a "city boy" and offers to take him to a rifle range later. This would be the Anderson Cooper who was born in New York to Gloria Vanderbilt and photographed by Diane Arbus as a baby, right? Anyway. These two New York-born Ivy Leaguers are going to "shoot some varmints" after work. Hey-o!

Here's a newscast that has us worried about Valleywag's latest hire, Paul Boutin. Either that or it's one of the better viral online ad campaigns we've seen in a while, put together by Showtime's interactive agency Deep Focus.

Never mind corporate meatballs like Neil Ashe and Quincy Smith — how's perky CNET correspondent Natali Del Conte faring in the wake of CBS Interactive's acquisition? Well! In an appearance on today's Early Show with Harry Smith, she sported a new 'do and explained the intricacies of different hands-free options for California drivers now banned from holding a cell phone to their ears. The best part is watching Smith stumble a bit trying to understand Bluetooth, pick himself back up by casually noting his experience as a helicopter passenger, then stumbling again over "those map things" before telling viewers to visit earlyshow.cbs.com — which is not a valid URL. Which makes us think that maybe Del Conte would make a better host than the guy who made his name doing standups for A&E Biography. Harry may be a perfect stand-in for the confused-old-man audience CBS currently has. But Natali represents the future audience CBS hoped it was buying.

Faced with the dilemma of a lifetime last night—or, rather, six months of contractual P.D.A.s before an In Touch exclusive declares their televised romance to be over—The Bachelorette's DeAnna Pappas had to winnow down her remaining pool of recreational soulmates by one. But which one? Each of the final three was jetted off to the Bahamas for the shared-date they've surely always dreamed of. As the lapping waves beckoned in the distance—offering the promise of a slow but sweet watery escape from the constant droning of Pappas's voice—they were presented with an engraved invitation from host Chris Harrison to join the prize in a designated "Fantasy Suite." (Think of it as an ultra-softcore, petal-strewn sex-dungeon, where Pappas could sample the goods and decide with whom she most feels a ribbed connection.)

· It's hard for us to fathom what it would be like to be 13 years old and related to Denise Richards. On one hand, holy hot aunt! On the other hand, there's moments like this, when Aunt Denise forces you into a conversation about her on-camera romps with Neve Campbell and the time she posed for Playboy. Awkward! [E!]

· Long-time rivals Jeffrey Wells and David Poland bury the hatchet long enough for Wells to wish Poland congratulations on getting married over the weekend. Well, sort of. [Hollywood Elsewhere]

· Either Katie Holmes and daughter Suri just got back from a Parisian bistro or they've got a big interview lined up at Foot Locker tomorrow. [ONTD]

· Videogum said it best, so we'll quote them: "Has Batman ever danced with the Batman in the pale moon light?" The answer is, unsurprisingly, yes. [Videogum]

· Adrian Grenier will surely "blank" the "blank" out of whatever club is willing to pay him $50,000 for the honors of hosting his upcoming birthday party. [Page Six]

It was the tribal rump-humping that would incite a beach-dwellers' Civil War. (OK, maybe not directly, but dotted-lines can be drawn.) In its path—a thousand Nicaraguan signoritas' hearts, mashed into a fine pulp. Of what do we speak? Why, Mashew McDonauhdgrl's flip-flop displacing Firewater Demon Dance of Handsy Pasión, of course! And thanks to the fee-meeting blurry-cellphone-video-producers at TMZ, we can finally catch the glimpse of the star of 8000 forgettable romcoms, caught red-handed as he...uh...kinda shakes his butt to the beat, sweats profusely, and doesn't come into direct contact with anyone else. Sssssscandalous.

Last night’s Living Lohan was all about Ali and her glass-breaking array of vocal talents. The happy family, which is somehow shrinking and growing simultaneously every day now, is still taking Las Vegas by storm as each member’s collective talents go into creating International Superstar-Turned-Trainwreck number two. Little Cody helps out by distracting Dina with adolescent silliness like concussions and that all-too-common need to be “loved,” Ali helps broaden the franchise by doing her best Daddy Left Us And I’m Gonna Record My Angst- And Nicotine-Laced Breakdowns For You! rehashing of Lindsay’s already perfected musical adventures, and Dina grants us with another round of must-have parenting lessons:

After last week's FBI sting conducted in concert with local law enforcement, in which 389 arrests netted 21 underage prostitutes, including four in Sacramento, Craigslist is again in the sex-panicked spotlight. In a familiar routine, law enforcement give stories of how they use the site's Erotic Services section to launch investigations, and CEO Jim Buckmaster gives good onscreen time in voicing the Craigslist company line that it is aiding in efforts to monitor teen prostitution:

"On Sunday, June 29," the web-blurb legend goes, "Shootout aired a 'Best of' episode on Summer Blockbusters. Guests Jon Favreau, Michael Bay, and Brett Ratner shared their experiences working on major summer spectaculars." And so it was written, and so it should come to pass, that through the magic of repackaging, three of Hollywood's most venerated fauxteurs should share reminiscences and insights with Variety's Peter Bart and Peter Guber. Highlighted above, an exchange with Transformers director and unwitting spondylitis spokesperson, Michael Bay: Acknowledging Bart's observation that he was born into box-office brothels, Bay goes on to pay loving tribute to shlock-piloting cicerones Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer. (Note their imposing, circa-Days of Thunder publicity-shot in high-contrast B&W.) Without them, not a single extraneous helicopter explosion or lingering shot of Megan Fox's ass-crack would ever have been possible.