Defamer ToDoLogist Molly McAleer wasn't available today, but luckily Lindsay Lohan was available to pinch hit at the last minute. On your activity platter for today, Thursday, May 22, 2008:

· The French Kicks at the Echo.
· Hall and Oats at the Troubador.
· Richmond's House of Comedy at the Improv.

Who among us wasn't reduced to a useless, blubbering pile of lady-lovin' shmaltz upon learning from groom-to-be Ellen DeGeneres that she had asked for Portia de Rossi's hand shortly following the California Supreme Court's landmark same-sex marriage ruling? On today's show, presumptive Republican Party nominee John McCain stopped by to court its audience of all-important swing-dancers, and quickly found himself squarely in the crosshairs.

It was only a matter of time 'til everyone’s collective inside joke about Sex And The City sounding a whole lot like Sex And The Shitty accidentally escaped from one talking head’s mouth. And of all the people to do it, we couldn’t be happier that fuzzy ol’ Dave Letterman was the one to (oops!) say this particular darndest thing out loud. Because how exactly can sweet-as-sugar Kristin Davis get mad at sweet-as-butterscotch Dave? Sure, we could all get irritated at Paul seizing the blooper as an opportunity to get all curse-happy up on the set, but when Dave pulls out the passive aggressive jab at the Most Important Movie Of All Time, even its soberific star has to laugh along. Even when he goes so far as to bypass any discussion of the shitty film whatsoever.

Speaking to young graduates, including eight new Amazon.com hires, at Carnegie Mellon University's commencement ceremonies on Sunday, Jeff Bezos admitted that he's a nerd who does "a mean interpretation of Captain Picard," but is not a sexless monk. That classification was suggested by Amazon board member John Doerr of Kleiner Perkins. Citing Bezos as an example, Doerr said the perfect founder "is undistracted because he has no sex life." Bezos intends to remind the sex-negative venture capitalist of his many children at Amazon's next board meeting. John, if you need a retort, just exclaim how "resourceful" Mackenzie Bezos is.

Daily News reporter Caitlin Millat went crazy yesterday. Crazy for journalism, that is! "I stabbed an innocent victim, got shot by a police officer, and suffered a severe asthma attack on Wednesday in Brooklyn," she writes, "all in a day's work for the Daily News." She now languishes in an isolation cell on Riker's Island. No, just kidding! She was just playing the role of a crazy person to help out with the city's annual EMT competition. Don't scare us like that, Caitlin! As an added bonus for all of us curious readers, she was able to turn her unique first-person experience into a story in today's paper. Synergetic! There's also a video. Near the end is when she stabs a guy. [NYDN]

Taking questions after a speech before the New America Foundation, Google cofounder Larry Page told the crowd the reason Microsoft and Yahoo shouldn't merge is that it would give Microsoft too much control over email and instant messaging. "90 percent of the communications all in one company, I think that's a really big risk." We totally agree! So when will Google open its search results pages to third-party advertisements?

Facebook revealed its site redesign for reporters yesterday. Here Facebook product manager Mark Slee demonstrates the "Feed tab" what he calls the "heart of the Facebook's new profile."

Just hours after professing her dedication to zipping her lips when it comes to airing any dirty laundry from her marriage to Charlie Sheen on The Today Show, Denise Richards showed up on The View to dish with the gals. And though she wasn’t continuing her passive aggressive attack on Sheen’s sperm and promising us all that she just adores it (“I mean, we have two beautiful daughters!”), she went ahead and brought up her former bestie Heather Locklear in the conversation. As we all fondly recall, Denise appeared to have stolen Richie Sambora away from Heather and committed double adultery during the top secret couple's many lobstery beach ventures. But it just isn’t true, says Denise, and Denise doesn’t do drugs, says Denise, and Denise is just not a whore so stop calling her that, says Denise.

Gripped by a paralzying case of Rain Manesque echolalia on her Late Show appearance last night ("OK, so you're going to follow Harrison Ford. He has a movie coming out? Indiana Jones? Then Dave will ask you all about your little E! reality show. Don't forget to have fun!") aspiring Lohan Ali seemed incapable of responding with much more than a nervous, "Yeah," to most of host David Letterman's questions. (We've added dings to help you count them: 21 in two minutes.)

Last night, we were finally treated to the David vs. David karoake Idol deathmatch that seemed such an inevitability for weeks now. You could practically smell the tension hanging over the Nokia Theater—a potent combination of baby powder, cherry-flavored lozenges, and young testosterone—as both worthy competitors took to the stage for a championship face-off that relied heavily upon boxing metaphor. (Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber was cast in the role of Mickey Goldmill, bandaging Archuleta's busted eye between songs as he implored the little belter to, "Keep hittin'em in the ribs ya see? Don't let that bastard breathe!")

With all the magnetized baked potatoes and dancing chihuahua sequences in store in this weekend’s Indy 4, it’s no surprise Harrison Ford’s next on-screen project is as simple and easy to understand as possible. As we noted weeks ago, Ford was filming spots for an environmental group that prompted him to step in as copywriter and retool the scripts. And thank goodness he did — who else could have come up with this illuminating dialogue between the grizzly manscaping actor and, well, himself? Apparently, even big boys like Ford wince when hair is ripped from their shiny manly chests using hot wax. And that’s how the environment feels. So get thee to the nearest beauty parlor, shoot the unsmiling waxer a charismatic flirty smirk or two, and save the planet already.

Remember Barack Obama's mysterious Abercrombie posse? The sticker cultists behind the Clintons? Doesn't anyone screen the people who sit behind candidates anymore? Our esteemed videographers put together this collection of all the loonies mugging for the camera and distracting from the candidate. Just one more thing we'll miss about the primary season, until it begins again in 2010. (If this one actually ends. Kentucky and Oregon were last night. Obama won Oregon, as predicted. Clinton scored a ridiculously large victory in tiny Kentucky, as predicted. Clinton didn't drop out, as predicted. John McCain did something quasi-unethical with some lobbyists too, probably.)

The fact that they're at the table — regardless of what they were telling themselves got them to the table — it's much more likely that they say "enough with the four foot high stack of paper outlining the details of the deal. Just merge."

Looking remarkably sober and well-recovered from last weekend's Cannes-diana Jones sojourn, Harrison Ford returned home Tuesday for the film's long-awaited Harlem premiere (yes, Harlem) and a requisite visit with David Letterman. The conversation quickly turned to Ford's piloting hobby — particularly his fondness for taking off in a Beaver. What? No, not a late-model Calista Beaver, but rather a vintage de Havilland model — the bulletproof kind flown covertly by the CIA during Vietnam. Naturally Letterman's audience followed his train of thought straight into the gutter, but an unfazed Ford stuck to the high road with tales of his soaring journeys into the bush. If only Kevin Spacey had shown the host so much class the night before. [The Late Show With David Letterman]

Haha/Oh dear. Ali Lohan, sister of Lindsay, was on Letterman last night, presumably to promote her and mama Dina's ominous new reality show. And, poor thing, as Dave was signing off, he accidentally called her Lindsay. I mean, how could he possibly get them mixed up? Lindsay is a once-popular tween idol with substantial drug and alcohol problems. Ali is a soon to be once-popular tween idol with substantial drug and alcohol problems. Geez. It's like comparing apples and the seeds that later become apples. Clip above.

This YouTube clip of a pet parrot saying "Obama! Yes we can!" over and over looks sort of like any other viral video from a supporter of the Democratic presidential candidate. "The closer we come to the final nomination the more excited he's become," the bird's owner writes in a caption. But to Republicans, it must look like the perfect illustration of what will inevitably become one of their key lines against the almost certain eventual nominee: that his supporters tend to be superficial lemmings, short on real policy knowledge but full of strong, vague feelings about where the country needs to go, and thus not rational enough to pick the country's next leader. This attack vector did not do much for Hillary Clinton, but you can bet operatives for elderly Republican John McCain are working overtime to write it into Obama's media narrative. Clip after the jump.

· So David Letterman goes to the trouble of getting Kevin Spacey a Jamba Juice, per his request, and Spacey thanks him by dumping the entire thing—on his carpet. Moral of the story? Never pay it forward, at least where Spacey is concerned. [Late Show]
· Hey—Carrie Bradshaw left her Mac desktop open for anyone to just snoop around in. We really shouldn't. Well...maybe just for a second. What does this Stickie say? "Buy...black suit...for Miranda's...funeral." Oh no! We should have never snooped! [Carrie's Macbook]
· And the "world's biggest star" teased for the Idol finale is...George Michael? [E! Online]
· Jake Gyllenhaal has been confirmed as the lead in the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time for Disney. It's about time Jake got a superhero franchise! Now, if you'll excuse us, we're off to buy an Xbox 360 and every edition of the Prince of Persia series, mastering every last trap door and hidden level in time for the movie's release. We suggest you do the same. Jake deserves nothing less. [THR]

To review a best-selling American game based on New York City, you obviously need a bunch of foreigners. First a British clip, "How To Have An Opinion About Grand Theft Auto IV," that mocks the standard media reactions to the game: polarization about the influence of violence, sweaty-palmed reviewers saying it's redefined gaming. Then the Australian reviewer Zero Punctuation, who's gotten very popular for his fast-paced cartoon reviews, says that GTA IV is afraid of its own value as a game.

We had barely recovered from last week's whirlwind The Bachelor finale—an unrepentantly romantic affair which saw Lorenzo Lamas marry off his youngest neglected daughter to a Mary Poppins background player—when the ABC reality TV mating rite began anew. On last night's The Bachelorette premiere, the gender scenario was reversed, with 25 eager-to-wed penis-havers (or at least eager to nab some sweet national airtime plus a chance at nailing a reality semi-star) vying for the attentions of one desirable, not-getting- any-younger- if-you- know-what- we-mean goddess. The lucky lady in question? The Bachelor season 11 finalist DeAnna Pappas, who you might remember as having had her still-beating heart plucked right out of her chest in an episode we like to refer to as Indiana Womack and the Gazebo of Commitmentphobic Doom.