Perhaps only proving the adage that the harder you try, the dumber you look, the recently released trailer to rape-prevention spokesteen Dakota Fanning's soon-to-be-released Hounddog gathers three minutes of short-eyed, Southern-fried auteurist poetry in one skeevy bundle for your viewing pleasure.

"Real life happens between blog posts and e-mails," says Lee LeFever in his video "Twitter in Plain English." The video, which pretty accurately describes the microblogging site, just makes me feel pathetic for using Twitter.

· Today on The View, Snoop Dogg demonstrated his signature yoga position, sideways-facing fucked-up-in-this-bitch. [The View]
· Distressing news out of ShoWest: Global warming trends will force the price of a medium-sized bucket of movie theater popcorn to rise to an astonishing $199.95 in the coming year. [LAT]
· The warrant for Richard Gere's arrest for publicly shaking Shilpa's Shettys has been lifted. Watch out, India: He's coming back for your women! [Yahoo News]
· Are you a healthy young man with a deep desire to go to Coachella, but not the means to afford those hefty admission prices? Fear not. Sperm For Tickets can help. [spermfortickets.com via b3ta]
· Hey, you. Yeah, you! Don't be a shmuck! Photocopy your wallet, dumbass! [Consumerist]

Feeling hungry? Try snacking on our Dirt Sandwich, a wild and woolly compilation of the moments in celebrity infotainment programming this week that made us simultaneously groan, chuckle and hurl. As always, we demand politely beg Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer to watch hours of Harvey Levin's babbling in order to bring you the week's best and worst moments. This week's reel includes the secrets behind Mike Myers' "informal spiritual quest" (whatever the fuck that means), Mark McGrath uttering the word "Fattergories" and the revelation of "which Hollywood hottie has THE best bod in the biz" (which, btw, is a question that comes up several times per day here at Defamer HQ). Enjoy!

Ashley "Alexandra Dupré" "Kristen" "Google Keywords" Youmans's MySpace song got mixed with Snoop Dogg's "Sensual Seduction," and it works well, especially if you really liked Dupré's original. I smell a future Gnarls-Barkley-esque duo.

If you've yet to catch a glimpse of the latest semi-outrageous Tom Cruise video to hit the blogspots, sure to lift your spirits as high as it lifts page views for our evil blogging overlord's gossipy domain, then get thee there, pronto. You're all but certain to delight in the lighter side of the Clear Crusader, the guest of honor at his own extravagant birthday festivities. (Highlights: Tom applauding and laughing hysterically at a movie theme; Tom singing Bob Seger; and, believe it—Tom doing The Worm.) Meanwhile, the great minds at Gawker Media Video Laboratories—headed by lead scientist Richard Blakeley—have already made some landmark advances in the creepy-viral-video-parodying field. Enjoy.

The second installment of our newish feature, Scrambled Eggs, comes to us courtesy of an eagle-eyed friend of Defamer, People Paula. But before we get into the contents of the clip at hand, we'll give you a quick refresher on what exactly makes a Scrambled Egg. It's a term we invented to describe those glorious moments that happen in television shows when a bored (or possibly stoned) editor cuts an inexplicable and altogetherly out-of-context image into a scene, likely as an inside joke for themselves. Got it? Good.

Now that your memory has been rebooted, we are glad to present this Scrambled Egg from Wednesday night's episode of Big Brother. As the Chenbot attempts to engage the castmembers of the 412th season of the show in some casual conversation while they dangle from some sort of unusual swinging device (forgive us, we haven't followed the show since the days of Dr. Will and Mike Boogie), the show's sleep-deprived editors make what can only be described as an unusual choice for a cutaway shot.

That's what my ex-co-worker and friend Andrew Belonsky, editor of Queerty, says about our jobs. And indeed it is! I, for one, have guests over to my palatial apartment all the time. Just last night, Andrew came over, and I offered him his choice of dried craisins, organic macaroni and cheese or Georgi Vodka. Guess which he chose? After a few rounds of blogger party game favorite "guess that google image," we stepped out into my hallway so Andrew could smoke a cigarette. Another indication of how glamorous my life is: we smoke cigarettes. In hallways! Like millionaires! I live in the top floor of a four story walk-up. On the stairwell leading up to the roof there are cigarette butts, the insides of cheap cigars and the odd magnum condom wrapper. Of course, I didn't tell Andrew about the last one — I didn't want to make him too jealous of my glamorous lifestyle.

Attached, the full video for New York rapper Mysterious' "Pop Off." The fact that Spitzer-tryster and America's Escort Ashley Alexandra Dupre appears in the video is probably the best thing yet to happen to Mysterious' career. We've seen the making-of clips, here's the finished product. This scandal has produced so many potential hit songs! So click and watch the budget video ho who, it turned out, was a high-priced real ho work it.

First Hillary wanted more debates. She felt that the America public needed to hear her and Barack Obama delineate their subtle differences as many times as possible. She even ran an attack ad on Obama (after the jump) for only wanting to have 18 debates. With the North Carolina and Pennsylvania primaries coming up, you'd think Hillary would maintain her commitment to public pontification. But you'd be wrong, because she might back out of the debate scheduled for April 19 in North Carolina—hosted by Katie Couric, which would be her first time hosting. Clinton's claim: it's the first day of Passover, and no arguing can be had during the festival of the Unleavened bread. And she's Jewish now, apparently.

When I read about the upcoming season of Fox's reality show "Solitary," I was amazed people would put themselves through the stress of living in solitary confinement, choking on ball gags, hearing screaming babies and being woken every 19 minutes by alarms, just for reality show fame and $50k. Then I realized this show already ran for a full season on the little-known Fox Reality Channel. Not only did nine people go through this torture, they did it on a network where they couldn't even get as famous as a Blind Date contestant. Watching the following nine minutes (the winner spent twelve days in the torture room) drove me crazy:

Today's after-school special comes, as most do these days, from YouTube. Though recently 5150'd Jackass star Steve-O currently has bigger things to worry about than who's hacking into his account and putting these frightening home videos up in his absence, we certainly get a bitter taste of just what those things are after viewing this clip. After revealing a Winehouse-ian nostril dusted with white powder in the first ten seconds, Steve-O spends the next four minutes attempting to show us how to juggle in his backyard. But he's noticeably, uh, distracted, and spends most of that time ranting about the war in Iraq, all the spacial dimensions that go ka-boom, and saddest of all, ruminates on this question: "Who cares when you die?" The most surefire way to teach your kids why drugs are bad, after the jump.

Last night was the Celebrity Rehab reunion show. Your at-a-glance scorecard:
· Still sober: Brigitte Nielsen and Ricco Rodriguez;
· Still in denial: Chyna Joanie Doll-Laurer;
· Absent: Daniel Baldwin (not invited) and Jessica Sierra (currently back in treatment under Dr. Drew's care);
· Fresh off 3-day crack-out bender: Seth Binzer.
And then there is Jeff Conaway and Vikki Lizzi, the Stanley and Stella Kowalski of the Pasadena Recovery Center, whose every high-decibel, wheelchair-flinging domestic squabble was recorded for posterity by the ever-present reality cameras.

Maybe this Anthony Pellicano trial isn't as hopelessly bereft of A-list manure-flinging as we had initially thought. Just a day after Garry Shandling's bitterly frank testimony about former manager Brad Grey—which so riled the Paramount Emperor that the planned The Love Guru ice cream social was cancelled with a company-wide e-mail instructing staffers to, "Go enjoy a cup of Garry Shandling's steaming, fudge-covered horseshit instead"—comes something even better: A tape, which prosecutors say was made by Pellicano and obtained by The Huffington Post, containing a 31-minute conversation between Chris Rock and the private investigator. Rock secured Pellicano's services after the then-separated comedian engaged in a brief fling with what he describes as "a girl with big tits and white pants" back in 1998, who then turned around and accused him of rape. (Interesting side note: He took her to a dinner party at Guy Oseary's house attended by Madonna and Elisabeth Shue!) The charges were ultimately found to be bogus, and were never officially filed.

· All it takes is some speed metal and a blowdryer to transform this mild-mannered terrier into the wire-haired Knight in Satan's Service he truly is. [Break.com]
· The biggest breakout star of American Idol's sixth season—Crying Girl—is back! And she's brought her thoughts about Season 7 with her. (Preview: It isn't as good.) [LAT]
· Tobey Maguire is a strong believer in allowing one's infant child to pick up on the whole walking thing on their own, even if that means spending the first few years of their lives face down in a shag carpet. [Popbitch via Wendywayrad]
· "'I've been a fan of One Life to Live since I was a baby,' said Snoop." [USA Today]
· Not On Our Watch, co-founded by George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, has given $500,000 to the United Nations World Food Program, but since it wasn't presented in the form of a giant check on The Oprah Winfrey Show, it took a couple days for you to find out about it. [Reuters]

Jerry Yang and the rest of Valleywag readers have had a week to study the 10 best Ballmer-goes-nuts videos. In this, our latest Valleywag poll, tell us which clip jolted Jerry Yang back to the negotiating table and into Ballmer's bear-hug embrace. For me? I'm a Gene Wilder fan.

Robert Scoble found Make Magazine's Phil Torrone at SXSW. After exchanging pleasantries, Phil made Robert promise to get his kid to do projects and get him off World of Warcraft. "Do you think the world's problems will be solved with World of Warcraft or by engineers?"

The creative team at Coudal, like every design firm everywhere, support Obama. They made five little videos parodying "The Logic of Hillary '08." They have pleasant acoustic guitar behind them, so they must be a fair satire. Below, a parable about Clinton's campaigns in Florida and Michigan.

While you were wondering when Eliot Spitzer would resign last Tuesday night, Gawker videographer Alex Goldberg attended two parties, where he captured intoxicated flocks of hipsters in their natural elements: dancing, in Batman sweatshirts and fanny-packs, at Beauty Bar and Happy Endings. Star tattoos! Old-timey hats! Old-timey facial hair! The goddamn robot! All the reasons the terrorists hate us and some they haven't yet thought of are in the attached clip.

Jesus, I just watched most of the first episode of The All-For-Nots, and it was painfully boring. The web show about an indie band was produced by Michael Eisner, whose last project Prom Queen was trash. This time Eisner used the creative team behind The Burg, a clever and underappreciated satire on Williamsburg. But very little of The Burg's cleverness made it to The All-For-Nots; the new show actually seems like some side project they could have made to prepare for The Burg. Below, a typically fantastic Burg episode, followed by a decent episode of The All-For-Nots.