Oh, the jutting chin. Oh, the blow-dried hair. Oh, the vacant look in his eyes when he's confused about something. Yep, Bill Hemmer, CNN's former I-don't-want- to-go-to-the-White House man, is coming back to TV, and we know you're as weak-kneed as we are.
Really? You think?
No? No watch free? Oh, CNN, how you toy with us.
• Calvin Klein's latest Times Square advertising adventure, in which models are bribed to live like peasants in exchange for clean needles, starts tomorrow at 7 a.m. Someone do send pics! [AdJab]
• Rupert Murdoch buys MySpace.com from $580 million. Which is only slightly more than he paid for his new Fifth Avenue triplex. [MarketWatch]
• Would the Jude Law infidelity story be any good if the nanny-mistress didn't keep a diary detailing sex on the pool table? We think not. [Mirror]
• Dude, you know you think Bobby Novak his the perfect DSLs. Get out and vote! [Gawker]
• The horror of an unsolicited Scientology attack on an unsuspecting mailbox. [mchruinoff]
• CNN's Lou Dobbs is interrupted by bullshit. What else is new? [Crooks and Liars]
Free snuff films? Sweet.
And how is tonight different from all other nights?
Infanticide? Shit, we'd even pay to watch that.
Suddenly, we understand why mom never let us play the 'stabbing ourselves with a kitchen knife game.'
Our old pal TVNewswer has all sorts of screengrabs from Friday's hurricane coverage, and we must say we're sort of heartbroken. Not because the networks all spend untold sums on the biggest cable-news clich of them all — "It's sure is rainy and windy out here in this hurricane, Jim" — but for a much simpler reason: Our fantasy version of a wet and tousled Anderson Cooper has been, as they say, mugged by reality.
CNN/Money has a nice little rewrite of a nice little Times story on Steve Jobs making a condolence call to the father of the Brooklyn boy killed for his iPod over the weekend. It sounds like Jobs made a nice call, and the father was nicely appreciative. But really the nicest part, we think, is the final graf.
Because, frankly, we're tired of spending $19.95 a month to get access to amputation vids.
Because on a day when 38 people were killed in Iraq, Rumsfeld acknowledged the insurgency there could go on for another 12 years, oil topped $60 a barrel for the first time ever, the administration wants to start making enriched plutonium again for the first time since the end of the Cold War, and the Supreme Court is likely to announce whether it will hear an appeal from two reporters who might have to go to prison for not revealing a confidential source, it's tough to figure out what to lead with.
From the CNN home page, 10:00 a.m.
Today marked the last day of Bill Hemmer's co-anchor duties of CNN's American Morning — yes, we're a bit weepy too. But, on the bright side, is there anything quite as fantabulous as anchor farewells? We think not, and Henry the Intern is inclined to agree. After the jump, his account of Hemmer's last exaggerated send-off, complete with heartfelt messages from Anderson Cooper and mushy clip reels. Cue the violins...
If they start locking up all the college jocks who think they're gods: um, who's gonna be left to play in the games?
Not that any of you are up early enough to watch CNN's American Morning, but in case you were up all night and happened to accidentally turn to CNN while looking for porn, you might care that CNN is remaking the whole enterprise. Out is Bill Hemmer, who is off to "pursue other opportunities." He will be replaced by Miles O'Brien, who will team with Soledad O'Brien for the most O'Briens we've seen since we got drunk in Queens last. Oh, and Jack Cafferty is moving to the 3 p.m. shift, where he will no longer scare people who are just trying to eat some damn cereal. The full memo from CNN head dog Jon Klein after the jump:—WL
We'd like to take a moment to quickly congratulate CNN on their 25th anniversary — look how you've grown! We also commend them for taking 2 minutes out of today's masturbatory programming schedule of self-congratulation and nostalgia ("Remember our Columbine coverage? That was a doozy.") to show breaking footage of a very cute squirrel. Good thing there's no real news today.
