Imagine what it must be like to be the editor of globalism's Rain Man, Thomas Friedman. Your job, ostensibly, is to hammer this man's prose into some semblance of logical readability, and yet he has built a fabulously lucrative career on his total lack of logic, readability, or, really, variety of any kind. Clearly, his editors have now made the only sensible choice: "Eh, just put that shit right in the paper exactly how he typed it on his Blackberry." (*Big shot of heroin*)

Doddering Reaganite WSJ columnist Peggy Noonan is an authority, of sorts, on the browner peoples of America. She once saw a Mexican. It naturally falls to Peggy, then, to get to la corazon of the Republican convention speech of New Mexico governor Susana Martinez. (Or "Susan," as Peggy calls her, for assimilationist purposes.)

If bad newspaper columnist Frank Bruni ever decides to take his milquetoast musings to a new industry, he should consider becoming the guy who writes the little inspirational slogans that appear on marketing materials inside the Coca-Cola— Pavilion at the Olympic Games™. He's already had his tryout!

Angry self sin-loathing heterosexual human sexuality sex columnist Andrea Peyser has long supported strong role models for young teenage girls of America who want nothing more than to lead a simple life involving simulated rape scenes with vampires within the confines of a traditional marriage. Well. Andrea has some very, very sad news to break to you, tween-age aspiring vampire fuckers: that movie Twilight was apparently not a documentary.

Glasses-adjusting New York Times-version-of-a-Republican David Brooks is a highly talented political columnist-craftsman, in the sense that he is able to lay a thin veneer of pop psychology-varnish over even the most cracked glass coffee table of intellectualism* (*David Brooks-style mishmash alert). Today, Brooks puts forth his most breathtaking ideological prescription yet: our leaders should always be doing opposite things at all times.

Rich liar Mitch Albom, once described by H.P. Lovecraft as "a grotesque scaly body with rudimentary wings," has written a column about 50 Shades of Grey. Reading it is like coming across a big shotgun next to a tiny barrel with an enormous, beautiful fish inside, only the fish has already hung itself from a tiny noose.

Fabulously wealthy CEO whisperer and newspaper columnist Thomas Friedman is little more than a human-shaped random word generator programmed with the "Computers and Internet" section of a fourth-grade vocabulary textbook and fitted with a mustache. He writes one single column, sometimes using different proper nouns or cycling through slightly new platitudes, in order to allow a new headline to be written. The Only Thomas Friedman Column That Exists—which ran right on schedule yesterday—opens like this:

Cottonheaded Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen is fond of adopting odd positions. Sometimes, he takes the position of the people he's supposed to be policing. Sometimes, he adopts the position of rapists. And sometimes, he adopts no position at all. Now, for your pleasure, Richard Cohen is rolling out a new type of position: the ??? position.

The thing that every "Life" or "Style" or "Pop culture" columnist must keep in mind at all times is that the things they write about are not important. (I include much of Gawker.com's content in this sweeping generalization.) These types of columnists do not write about economic policy, or international relations, or genocide or poverty or war. They just write about the latest bit of eye-catching news-lite distraction, like everybody else on the internet. Because of this, there is absolutely no excuse for these pap columnists not to take a firm stand on the "issues." Because it doesn't matter!

If I were to pick one person who should be the proper judge of all the world's morality, I would pick cheap tabloid columnist Andrea Peyser, who hates gays, Muslims, and minorities with the same fervor that she loves lurid sexual innuendo. She just seems like the best choice, to pass judgment on those who she deems to be insensitive. I don't see any problems with that.

Richard Cohen is (for some reason) employed as a professional opinion columnist by the Washington Post. He is paid to write columns—featuring his own opinions—about the issues of the day. This is the entirety of his job. Yet Richard Cohen has a wondrous talent possessed by few in his rarefied sphere: he can write an entire opinion column with zero actual opinion.

Slut-obsessed sexual sex columnist and hate machine Andrea Peyser is unafraid to speak out when hot, young, sexual teens are doing something potentially sexual, with their bodies. Journalism, you see, is the reason that Andre recently spent the day prowling St. Marks Place, watching young kids who've been taught at Elementary Sex Palaces get piercings in dark, unspeakable places. "We have 16-year-old girls who want their nipples pierced!'' one piercing guy tells Andrea Peyser, I imagine after she hit him with a blackjack, stripped him naked, tied him to a bed, and demanded, "Tell me about teenage girls getting their nipples pierced, or else."

Despite very specific instructions by us to cease and desist with his nature-based musings, designated New York Times leaf-and-cow columnist Verlyn Klinkenborg continues to invade the Sunday op-ed section with some of the world's most artisanal writing. None of which has anything to do with anything.

Hirsute-lipped Sesame Street character Thomas Friedman, America's most respected newspaper columnist, does not "have it easy," just because he lives in a sprawling mansion and holds a job that consists of rewriting the same exact column over and over again every week, merely substituting different—but equally trivial—anecdotes gleaned while looking out of the window of a car, train, or airplane in which Thomas Friedman rode on his way to meet some business person.

Screeching tabloid sex witch Andrea Peyser watched the HBO show Girls on television last night. Did she like it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But seriously, guys. Andrea located a portly female.

Golf-playing platitude generator Thomas Friedman has a grasp on the English language that would probably be described, by Thomas Friedman, as "a big tree in the forest swinging in the wind," because Thomas Friedman is just a god damn nonsensical shame, as a writer.

Mustachioed soothsaying simpleton Thomas Friedman long ago mastered a formula for justifying business trips all over the world by writing columns about them—columns that, while not genuinely insightful or even pleasant to read, contain a sufficient number of plausible-sounding platitudes to enable your average Xerox Corporation regional manager to sound informed during his morning meeting with underlings and sycophants.

Breathy Reaganite Peggy Noonan dislikes the coarseness that has crept into our public dialogue. The coarseness, she dislikes it. But there it is, in our public dialogue. Peggy Noonan did not create this world. Creating this coarseness is not something which sings to Peggy Noonan's soul. But she must acknowledge it. She is a columnist, you see. The coarseness, it is a topic of our time. "All this has devolved into a political argument about who's worse, the right or the left," sighs Peggy, metaphorically, by writing a sentence in her WSJ column. "I don't think that's the most important question, but since it's on the table the answer is the left."

Wealthy, influential, and widely read pundit, author, and pop- sociology-flouter David Brooks today uses his New York Times op-ed column to announce to you, me, and everyone else around the world: he still likes the Mets. Yeah. Thought about liking the Nats, but... had to stick with the old Mets. Mmm hmm. But did he find a way to work in some pop sociology?

What a year it's been for Andrea Peyser, the sourpuss racist lesbian xenophobe sex fiend who serves as the conscience of New York City's most fascist tabloid. Today we are blessed with Andrea's "Year in Review" column, widely considered journalism's most exciting day after the Pulitzer Prizes. Equally looked-forward-to is our condensation of this column into readable form! Without further ado, we present The Shorter Version of Andrea Peyser's Year in Review Column, Which Is, Naturally, on the Topic of SIN: