In normal times, America prefers to confine its armed mumbling lunatics to gun show parking lots and Roger Ailes' house. These are not normal times. Now, armed mumbling lunatics are washing up on our nation's beaches, mumbling and armed.

A "near-riot" broke out in the crowd at a Beijing Apple store on Saturday, a day after the iPad 2 went on sale, sending four to the hospital and smashing a glass door.

A computer at the University of Texas at Austin recently claimed responsibility for a terrorist bombing. It had not, in fact, bombed anyone, which is reassuring; less reassuring is the fact that the computer made those claims because it is schizophrenic. Indeed: researchers at the fine institution had induced something resembling schizophrenia in DISCERN, a "neural network... [that] can learn natural languages" and remember and repeat "simple stories," by increasing its rate of learning "so that it did not forget at normal rates." And, lo:

Just weeks before Osama Bin Laden's death, the Department of Justice shut down the three largest online poker websites. Coincidence? There are no coincidences on the Internet.

Diet food! Omega-3 death! Hormone gel! Sex health! Big belly! Fat dementia! Deadly tomatoes! Mental soldiers! And outta control asthma! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no examinations necessary!

Minnesota's top Tea Party hostess Michele Bachmann skipped Sunday brunch to go on television and discuss how she feels about the Republican party's plan to take away Medicare from America's Olds. Surprisingly, she's not totally down with it, and is using punctuation to let everybody know.

As part of her ongoing efforts to protect Arizona citizens from being beheaded or anchor babied to death, human cactus Jan Brewer has signed a bill authorizing the construction of a border fence.

Conservative pundits have been known to give President Obama crap for not going to church. It's part of why, if you're, say, Byron York, the president should only blame himself for the millions of morons who believe he's a Muslim. But when Obama does go to church, as he and his family did on Easter Sunday, he still ends up in a multi-pronged scandal. He didn't "do" Easter correctly.

Thomas Kinkade, of course, is America's greatest living artist; but Jon McNaughton is America's greatest living artist in the medium of Paintings of Jesus Surrounded by Historical Figures and Patriotic American Symbolism. And McNaughton's fighting the scourge of liberalism, again!

Barack Obama was definitely born in Hawaii. How do we know this is true? Because CNN says so. "Period." The network traveled to the state where Obama was allegedly born in 1961 and spoke with Dr. Chiyome Fukino ("a former director of the Hawaii Department of Health and a Republican") who said Obama's live birth certificate is legit, and that "he was absolutely born here in the state of Hawaii." A Republican even says so. Case closed.

Attention, Florida! Do you recognize the man in the video above? The police would like a word with him, regarding how he peed on the cough drops at the Walgreens in Sanford. And, Florida, while we have your attention:

USA Today—an adorable daily picture book distributed free to customers of mid-rate hotel chains—is making a strategic move to wrest control of the "believes in angels" demographic from said demographic's current newspaper of choice (the Washington Times).

Insane murderous texting fiend Charles Manson gave an interview to the Spanish Vanity Fair, because, well, why not? And he has a very important message for us all!

A 20-year-old Oklahoma woman killed and mutilated her family's cat, apparently so she could use its blood for an outfit to wear to a Lady Gaga concert. Talk about a "little monster"! But seriously, she killed a cat.

The tabloids of New York are currently having a tabloid party over the grisly murder of Sarah Coit, a pretty young blonde living in Manhattan who was savagely hacked to death Sunday by her boyfriend—a celebrity publicist.

Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin believes President Obama was born in Hawaii. She said so just yesterday! But even so, she "appreciates" failed businessman Donald Trump's (very public) quest to discover the president's true origins.

Shelley Ross is a former executive producer at Good Morning America and the CBS Early Show. She's most famous for being disliked by her employees, and then having said employees snitch to the media about how much they hated her.

The Smoking Gun has uncovered an old mugshot of Susan Burns, the woman who attacked Gauguin's "Two Tahitian Women" over the weekend. They've also got the criminal complaint, and as it turns out, she's a CIA agent! (According to her.)

Who says that Washington, DC is a "second-class city," when it comes to appreciation of the arts?

Last week, Facebook found itself at the center of a firestorm over a page set up calling for a third Palestinian intifada. The page was 'liked' by more than 350,000 users and condemned by the Israeli government and the Anti-Defamation league. Ultimately Facebook pulled it down because it said administrators and members were participating in ""direct calls for violence" in violation of its policies.