In Touch: "Lady Gaga‘s boyfriend of six months, Taylor Kinney, has told her to check her alter ego at the door when she's with him… he has no desire to live with a stage act." Why can't she just be normal. God. It's like she wants to be an outcast. Freak.

The Wire is one of my favorite shows of all time and, yes, one of the best shows ever on television. That does not mean a show about urban blight, broken systems, drug dealers, and the strange Baltimore accent is going to get you laid. Probably the opposite in fact. But that doesn't mean people aren't using The Wire to try to get dates on OKCupid.

When we started documenting the phenomenon of guys who deal with rejection by sending bizarre, overlong, passive-aggressive emails to women they've gone out with once, we figured it was restricted to brokers and investment bankers. Until an anonymous tipster forwarded us these emails from a tutor who's been emailing her for seven months — after only one date.

We know how it is. You were raised completely by the internet, your entire personality is an online creation, and though you're suave on IM, the prospect of chatting up a girl in person is a strange and terrifying prospect. Some of you have been reduced to paying hundreds of dollars to professional wingpersons to help you approach women in public. Fret not, lovelorn computer aliens. Help is here.

Are you married? Sucker. I mean, congratulations. Sucker. In olden times men and women would agree to be joined in matrimony forever—the men receiving a regular source of sexual congress and a valuable allegiance to powerful land-owning families in nearby regions, and the women receiving a new pot and pan. Today: married people are nearly a minority. So close!!!!

After writing about the crazy J.P. Morgan analyst who stalked his ex across the Atlantic pretending to be an Israei spy, and reproducing the insane 1,600-word letter from an investment analyst demanding that a woman he went on a single date with apologize for leading him on, we figured we'd open it up to our readers for more stories from the front lines of romance in the financial industry. And boy, did you all deliver.

Yesterday, we noted that financial professionals make horrible boyfriends. But they're not always horrible in the sense that they might follow you across the Atlantic ocean and leave a tracking device in your bag—sometimes they're horrible in the sense that they send you 1,600-word emails asking why you haven't called them back after one date.

Sure, dating an investment banker seems nice. He's rich! He dresses well! So what if he's married? He takes you out on his boat! And then he follows you to London, breaks into your apartment, steals candlesticks, pretends to be an Israeli secret agent, and puts a tracking device in your bag.

A few years ago, some dude actually found his "dream girl"—meaning some pretty girl he happened to spot on the New York subway—by drawing a picture of her, making a website, and watching it go viral. That had, at least, the whiff of being a clever idea with a happy ending. Then there's this.

Last week, CW reality star and Maxim UK pin-up Devorah Rose tweeted a suggestive message about Salman Rushdie. Asked about his relationship with Devorah, Rushdie told Page Six that he was "mortified" to be connected to her. When Devorah heard that, she went nuclear and gave copies of her Facebook interactions with Rushdie to several gossip outlets.

Former Arizona gubernatorial candidate Cary Dolego—who, from a branding standpoint, is kind of like the Herman Cain of the Green Party right now—sold everything he owned to travel to the Ukraine and find a bride. He did not find her!

We can think of several things that Tennessee residents Erica Wilson and Jesse Brooks should never, ever do together. "Drink Everclear" is one. Another is date. These two should not date! Not only are their relationship expectations incompatible, but they're also first cousins.

Couples that get arrested together stay together—though not literally, because jails separate people by sex, and don't offer couples' cells. But still: Teenage casual dining enthusiasts Devin Norling, 18, and Sydney Sanders, 19, probably have some sort of future, because they gave themselves a memorable first-date experience and now have plenty to discuss during their second date.

While American society has traditionally eschewed the practice of setting elderly people adrift on floating chunks of ice, we have embraced the next best thing: sequestering old people in their own buildings, communities, or suburbs, and ignoring them completely. Who knows, or cares, what they are up to? We prefer to focus on the youthful and ostensibly sexually available people pictured on the teevee.

British website Veggiedates makes it clear right in its tagline: "Find your veggie dates." Sounds hot! Until you find out that the site was actually full of grease-hungry meat-scarfing savages. Sounds not!

Andy Cohen opened the new season of Watch What Happens Live tonight on Bravo. So what happened? Well, Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger answered questions from viewers about dating. And by "answered questions," I mean "made dumb comments that reinforce stereotypes of gay men as effeminate, disease-carrying sluts who are incapable of monogamy." A compilation of Stanger's statements is above.

Frozen feathers! Getting shorter! Asteroid redemption! NASA engineers! Weight brain! Giant telescopes! Desperate dolphins! Indian frogs! And hypothetical questions with real world consequences! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—like ka-blow!

In our ongoing quest to be servicey and fill the maddening expanse of open pixels with something—anything—that might be useful to you, the reader, it's time for another edition of "Advice questions, reconsidered." Today: coupons! Dating! Cheapness! Sexxx!

Remember Katherine Chloé Cahoon, the nation's foremost authority on how to meet European men? Well she is back! And she's brought some friends with her.

Male or female, gay or straight, it doesn't seem to matter: Basically all of Gotham is citing 30 Rock in their online dating profiles. Because talking about television is sure to get you laid!