Today at Gawker.TV, let's all laugh at The Situation's high school "pizza face" yearbook photo, Tom Cruise threatens Regis Philbin's marriage, Kathy Griffin contends in a beauty pageant, and (spoiler alert!) watch the first four minutes of Futurama's triumphant return.

Mr. Joe Dirt—also known as David Spade—stopped by the Today Show to discuss his upcoming movie Grown Ups. In it, he horrifies audiences by showing off his pasty ass.

What else? Joe Francis might have had something to do with Tila Tequila/Casey Johnson. Angelie Jolie's latest production: Salt-y. Artie Lange has a gig, Lydia Hearst has a mans, Patti Smith's still punk. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• Time Inc. is expected to announce plans to slash $100 million in costs next week; naturally, lots of layoffs will be involved in making that happen. [NYT]
• The Wall Street Journal is closing its Boston bureau. Also in Beantown: The Boston Globe's publisher has announced he's stepping down. [BW, NYT]
• The war between the White House and Fox News is over. For now. [DF]
• Esquire's latest bid for relevance: Its December issue will be tricked out with "an emerging technology called augmented reality." Sounds hot. [WSJ]
• Lou Dobbs says someone fired a shot at his New Jersey home/horse farm. He's yet to blame the population of Mexico. But just give it time. [CNN]

David Spade had his sniveling say about the DirecTV commercial he did with Chris Farley's ghost. Now, one of the guys who wrote the commercial writes a fair, reasonable blog post about his intentions. Okay. But he ends with this:

David Spade, a real human with a real human heart, is so wounded by the criticism of his new ad "starring" his dead pal Chris Farley that he's come forth with a heartfelt statement from his flack.

The trustees of the estate of Chris Farley agree: The deceased beloved portly comedian would really enjoy DirecTV, were he not dead and all. Also, David Spade is available for kids' birthday parties and cheap blowjobs. Sleazebags.

Designer Oscar de la Renta turns 77 today. Rufus Wainwright is 36. Actor Willem Dafoe is turning 54. John Leguizamo and David Spade are both turning 45. Publishing industry heavyweight Ann Godoff is 60. Actor Danny Glover is turning 63. John Wren, the president and CEO of the ad agency Omnicom, is turning 57. Former senator and presidential candidate Bob Dole is turning 86. George Clinton is 68. The Eagles' Don Henley is 62. Film director Paul Schrader is 63. Former football player (and now ESPN personality) Keyshawn Johnson is 37. And Disney star Selena Gomez celebrates her 17th birthday today.

Kate Spade's husband Andy—he's also David Spade's brother! Who cares? Well nobody really, if you want to be a dick about it, but it's good to know David Spade was a nerd from day one:

Rachel Bilson shopping on the Lower East Side ... Kate Beckinsale talking to David Spade outside her hotel ... Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen shopping at Barneys ... Katie Holmes carrying coffee on a walk downtown ... William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman walking on Madison after leaving lunch at Nello's ... Kirsten Dunst hailing a cab ... Justin Timberlake leaving an office building ... Nicole Richie carrying her baby Harlow around Chelsea Piers ... Claire Danes holding hands with Selma Blair on Bank Street ... Agyness Deyn walking with a friend downtown ... Angelina Jolie waving to photographers outside an apartment building ... Paris Hilton going to dinner at La Esquina ... and Ally and Tommy Hilfiger leaving the Waverly Inn.

Something about this time of year really brings out the do-gooder in all of us. Take for example David Spade, who reached deep into his man-purse and pulled out $100,000 worth of new police rifles!

♦ Angelina Jolie can be seen breastfeeding on the cover of the upcoming issue of W. Brad Pitt is the one who took the pics. He's also the one who convinced Angie to have kids of her own, she says. [NYDN, People]
♦ A judge denied Christie Brinkley's request for a temporary restraining order that would bar Peter Cook for seeing their kids this weekend. He did rule that Cook cannot "expose" them to his 20/20 interview. [People]
♦ Sarah Palin is set to appear on SNL on October 25th. [Cindy Adams]

Back when David Spade was dating Heather Locklear, Hollywood tongues wagged endlessly, wondering, "How does he do it?" Eventually, people realized that Spade is one of the great Casanovas of our time, able to woo some of the industry's biggest beauties by simply following the maxim, "Be normal and kind of have your shit together." Unfortunately, Locklear currently has her shit somewhat scattered, as she's dealing with a DUI called in by an ex-Us Weekly staffer who has a special relationship with Locklear rival Denise Richards. With so much going on in the life of his ex, how did the sensitive Spade check in?

• Sean Penn kissed a man for a movie, and for some reason sent an excited, rhyming text message to Madonna about it. [Fametastic]

You gotta admit, when it comes to ladies, David Spade has an amazing track record. He’s nailed Heather Locklear, Lara Flynn Boyle, Krista Allen, Julie Bowen, Teri Hatcher, Gena Lee Nolin, Kristy Swanson, and countless Playboy playmates, including one he recently impregnated. But is he really the Don Juan of our time? J.R. Moehringer from Los Angeles Magazine seems to think so, and he makes a compelling case in a nearly 8-page exposé. Consider the evidence: Spade is no Clooney in the looks department, yet he pulls more tail than George. What’s more, he’s been doing so since he was a teenager. “He was voted Most Artistic,” Moehringer writes, “but the entire student body at Saguaro High School knew he was the campus Casanova, a walking stick of catnip for every cheerleader and homecoming queen.”Spade is a funny dude, but that can’t be it. Surely he must have a secret—something that draws the skirts to him like men’s bathrooms draw George Michael. Thankfully, Moehringer wasn’t afraid to do a little digging, and through exhaustive interviews with Spade and various ladies he’s flirted with, he may have actually hit upon the reason for all the chick-magnet-madness. Spade’s platonic friend Courtney Cox Arquette explains it thusly: “He has good teeth.” But the most illuminating reason comes from David himself. When asked what advice he’d give a single guy, Spade says:

• President Bush will retire to Preston Hollow, just outside Dallas, after leaving the White House but prior to being brought to justice. The town has rich people, golf and horsies. Cindy Adams is apparently the first non-conspirator to know. [Post]

♦ Samantha Ronson refused to DJ an event at Rubyfruit, allegedly because she doesn't spin at gay or lesbian bars. Her rep, of course, denies this. [P6]
♦ David Spade didn't turn up at Eric Trump's charity golf tournament in New Jersey last week because he thought it was taking place at Trump's LA course. [P6]
♦ An Atlantic City monsignor wants his name added to the list of Raffaello Follieri's victims. He says he gave the Italian playboy $110,000 because Raffaello said he needed the funds to pay some nuns. [NYDN]
♦ MTV has finally confirmed Whitney Port's Hills spinoff. It will begin airing in early 2009. [E!]
♦ How exciting! Mike Bloomberg will become an honorary citizen of Tbilisi, Georgia tomorrow night. [P6]

· Let Lindsay Lohan, Albert Brooks, Jamie Lynn Spears, and Life Magazine introduce you to the GOP's great vice-presidential hope. · In one of the best TV scraps since Judd Apatow eradicated That 70s Show's Mark Brazill, Greg Garcia branded Alec Baldwin as an "unlikeable, psychotic narcissist" after Baldwin bitched about NBC showing more love to My Name Is Earl than 30 Rock. · David Duchovny taught us all kinds of hilarious euphemisms for "sex addiction." · Madman Nicolas Cage went all the way to Thailand and all he got was this lousy coup. · David Spade might have made a kid, but Matthew McConaughey made a kid cry. · Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Paris Hilton made their respective plans for the Toronto Film Festival. · Do we dare ponder a future without Beijing Ben frolicking on NBC's behalf? · David Cronenberg explained to us that David Lynch is "way weirder" than he is. · All-Trailer Day had a look at Zack & Miri, Labor Pains and Milk. · The likeness to Jason Priestley's facial shrub was easy to place. Robert Downey Jr's, though? Not so much. · The first trailer of burgeoning political pundit Lindsay Lohan's comeback vehicle, Labor Pains, made its way online. Lindsay and her newly remunerative ladyfriend Sam Ronson celebrated with a full-fledged liplock for the paps. · We finally got a taste our first taste of the newer, smilier 90210. It remains to be seen whether Shenae Grimes' shit-eating grin can top Shannen Doherty's bitchy frown of yore, but one thing is certain: we can't wait for the reveal that Brandon was really the Unabomber! · Don LaFontaine, RIP. · And finally, don't forget to check back here on Sunday for our liveblog direct from the red carpet of the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards. Britney will be opening and Kanye will be closing, while we're hopeful that watersports-enthusiast Russell Brand will be able to shake off his terrifying experience with an elephant's vagina and be as funny hosting as he was when we interviewed him. See you on Sunday at or around 3pm PDT!

• Britney Spears drank at 13, lost her virginity at 14 and started taking drugs at 15, her mom said in a tell-all memoir. By 16 the singer was caught with cocaine and pot on a private jet, and mom was feeling guilty about letting her sleep with Justin Timberlake and make "raunchy" music videos. But releasing a tell-all memoir about Spears six months after Spears's latest trip the psychiatric ward? No regrets! [Sun]

• Star Jones has a new man! Meet Herb Wilson, the executive chef at Manhattan's Soho and Tribeca Grand hotels. [People]