PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so if lady luck should happen to gift you with one, don't squander it: Write it up and send it in! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted David Hasselhoff working off a cheeseburger at your gym.

· Pretty much every dream we've had about Angelina Jolie since the Chosen One's birth has looked exactly like this stunning painting. [via BoingBoing]
· Jesus! He's marrying you! Be nice! Fuck!
· Not even in her wildest dreams did Demi Moore imagine she'd find a 25-year-old himbo willing to give up his best groupie-porking years to shack up with her.
· Jalopnik's got the Japanese trailer for Michael Bay's Transformers movie. Good news: Shit still blows up in this version.

When asked about the state of his marriage while promoting the U.K. release of his hero-in-a-Speedo movie The Guardian, Ashton Kutcher was quick to replace the "m" word with a "don't weigh me down with labels, man"-style reclassification of feeling "in love" with Demi Moore. The semantic clarification isn't meant as a downgrade, however, as he then goes on to explain in the most flowery and incomprehensible language imaginable how a single love can change the world:

We're not sure what it is about Sunday newspaper insert PARADE magazine that gets big stars to share some of the most personal aspects of their lives—perhaps they feel the open-door policy of the Ask Marilyn column offers an emotional safe zone not available from more "prestigious" media outlets—but in this week's cover story, Ashton Kutcher gushes about his note-perfect marriage to Demi Moore, his unconditional adoration of his three stepsistersdaughters, and his tight, if slightly strained, rapport with their dad, Bruce Willis:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Tobey Maguire doing the Vincent Chase thing in the lobby of the Century City AMC.

In Des Moines visiting family for the long weekend, Ashton Kutcher and cougar spouse Demi Moore found a way to bring a little Hollywood A-list celebrity entitlement to the American heartland. After DJ AM text-messaged that he would be spinning at local nightclub Aura, the couple showed up with Moore's daughter, Scout. They then proceeded to party until closing time, safely sequestered from any non-celebrities by the club's accommodating staff:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw the lonesome Brokeback cowboys going through the paces with their women.

A last-minute shopping Defamer operative has a double sighting at a high end nail salon:

· We don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about the age difference between Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. He's older than her tits, and that should be good enough for everyone. And if you were too impatient to wait until you finished this item to follow that link, you probably don't know that the photo is fake.
· We really hope that the ghostwriter who produced Nicole Richie's novel was well compensated for his or her time. It should make the eternal bath in hellflame a little easier to bear.
· When the forced internment in your church's Redemption Camp isn't quite enough, there's Hetracil.
· Coming soon to a Jay Leno punchline near you: Billy Joel returning to the road in January.
· If you somehow missed the incredible story of those lesbian cheerleaders, Deadspin's got you covered.

• Stavros Niarchos plows Paris Hilton's Bentley into a truck. Lindsay Lohan laughs at the half-assed imitation. [Defamer]
• Perhaps someday Paris will be reduced to little more than a bunch of shitty old pictures on eBay, just like her mother. [eBay]
• A warm congratulations to Philadelphia-booster Jessica Pressler, whose "sixth borough" Times piece has burrowed itself deep into the cultural lexicon of...Gilmore Girls. Next up, an OC mention. [Verbose Coma]
• Demi Moore takes nip-slipping to a whole new level, much to the chagrin of anyone with minimal visual capabilities. [Cityrag]
• Hetracil is the most widely prescribed anti-effeminate medication in the world. Pop a pill and fix that gay today! [Hetracil]

· All kidding aside: How Bruce Willis has avoided suicide this long is one of Hollywood's biggest mysteries. If the sight of that fedora didn't make him blow his brains out all over Kutcher's white suit, nothing will.
· Just in case you're the last person on earth to hear about today's release of the video iPod, onto which you can download day-old episodes of Lost and Desperate Housewives thanks to Steve Jobs' unholy alliance with Disney, here you go. And if somehow this link that goes directly to Apple's site makes a free one show up in our mailbox, so be it. We are not ashamed of being whores to our shiny, white master.
· We are willing to bet that this MAC ad is not very popular among a select group of very high-powered publicists.
· "All the girls ended up getting naked in the movie. It’s really amazing, they want $30,000 to $40,000 a day to pose for Playboy, but we got them to do it for $200 a day, scale!” Don't forget, that low, low fee also includes the golden showers.

• You may mock Ashton Kutcher's choice of headwear for his wedding attire, but be aware that the white fedora is the yarmulke of choice for Kabbalahists everywhere. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Fanciful Gawker alum Choire Sicha takes 3000 words of the Observer's precious pink space to tell you that which you already know: He's a big 'mo cruising public restrooms for love. [NYO]
• Cynthia Nixon and her lover, presented without comment. We don't think our words could do the union justice. [JJB]
• Camel toads are a rare breed, often found hiding in the warm, soggy crotches of ill-advised stretch pants. [Revo1]
• Somebody better tell this bitch to close her legs. [CNN]
• The artist in her element: Paris Hilton pretends to record her album. [Hello]
• And, because one Paris link is simply not enough: Simple Life cancelled mid-production? [WoW]

• Did Sienna Miller miscarry cheating beau Jude Law's baby? Perhaps, although it's equally likely that if there was the loss of a baby, it might've been a bit more intentional. We're just sayin'. [R&M]
• Tara Reid lashes out at the media yet again for its insistence on portraying the Taradise star as a demented lush. Yes, dear media, it's your fault she morphed into a human tequila popper and can't score a decent gig to save her left tit. [Page Six]
• Demi Moore's wedding to little brother Ashton Kutcher has been confirmed. Sorry. [Fox 411]
• Even more disappointing is word that OK! has paid an absurd $3 million for rights to the demonic marriage ritual. Meanwhile, Katrina evacuees could use some blankets. [Lowdown]
• Supermodel Carmen Kass fainted backstage at the Prada show in Milan. Hunger tends to do that to you. [Page Six]

· Tom Cruise will be giving a series of free lectures on "The Modern Science of Mental Health" at the Celebrity Centre, which is a little like Nicole Richie speaking at a pro-ana meeting about healthy weight-loss strategies. In case you're wondering about how well-balanced an examination of the issues at hand will be offered, the first lecture is called "How Psychiatry Invented Schizophrenia, and What Scientologists Can Do About It." In the third seminar, Cruise will personally—personally!—burn a psychiatrist at the stake.UPDATE: A reader who called the Centre tells us that the lecture series is a fake. A "complete fabrication," actually. Our bullshit detectors were at half-power by the end of the day. Sorry! Pretty good parody, though.
· "No, Viggo, no! You're doing it all wrong! Now please stand aside as I fuck my wife and show you what I'm looking for."
· If Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher did actually get married last weekend, how long will it last? Oddjack breaks down the betting line.
· Anna Nicole Smith is dragging her dead husband's $474 million bones all the way to the Supreme Court, where a suspiciously sympathetic Clarence Thomas awaits, booby-trapped Coke can in hand.

Somewhere deep in the bowels of their Beverly Hills headquarters, a Star Chamber of red-cloaked Kabbalic High Priests is sharing a jubilant, demented, crescendoing laugh: Saturday night, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (or as they refer to her, 'our Rosemary') tied the knot, aka 'smashed the glass.' Us Weekly claims the scoop, and we're inclined to give it to them, lest they solicit our 13-year-old ass for sex over the internet, too:

More proof that God is dead or, worse, never existed: Brat Pack actress Demi Moore and her adopted son, Punk'd puppy Ashton Kutcher, sealed the deal on Saturday night in Beverly Hills with an intimate, Kabbalah-tinged wedding held in a private home. Attendees at the last-minute ceremony included Moore's ex-husband Bruce Willis and their three daughters, plus notables such as Lucy Liu, Wilmer Valderrama, Soleil Moon Frye, George Gaynes, and Cherie Johnson.

· Creepy Stunt-Casting Alert! Former Demi Moore spouse Bruce Willis will appear on an episode of That 70s Show with current Moore boyfriend/possible impregnator Ashton Kutcher. Self-referential jokes about sharing the same woman will certainly follow (and, we suspect, a surprise Moore cameo). Creepiness-mitigating silver lining: Willis is donating his fee to the Red Cross. [Variety]
· Paramount enables Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese to author a fourth chapter in their cinematic love affair, optioning the rights to the Teddy Roosevelt bio The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt. Sounds like an Oscar-baiting vehicle in which DiCaprio gets to physically transform himself from an asthmatic, 25 year-old wimp to a "burly," somewhat less wimpy-seeming Rough Rider. We'll do our best not to laugh at Leo in Teddy's signature moustache. [Variety]
· Monster's Ball director Mark Forster will direct the adaptation of the mega-best-selling The Kite Runner for DreamWorks. Or for Universal, or for whatever big studio eventually buys up what's left of Steven Spielberg's dreams. [THR]
· Fox wins Sunday night with football, The Simpsons, and The Family Guy. [THR]
· Ang Lee's gay cowboy yarn, Brokeback Mountain, wins the Venice Film Festival's Golden Lion. But American audiences have to wait until December 9th to witness Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal's hot cowpoking action. [Variety]

We've received so many e-mails about recently available pictures of a couple of naked, famous people that we're finally giving in and rounding them up here (and yup, they're all over the place now, without sources, but this is the only way we can stop the e-mails). To wit: A fine round of prurient jollies can be had checking out a young, unclothed Demi Moore (link NSFW), long before she let herself be filled to the brim with Ashton Kutcher's seed, or by taking a peek at skinnydipping libertine Michelle Rodriguez, soon after she let herself be filled to the brim with alcohol at the Skybar in Miami. Perhaps the only thing more satisfying than stolen moments with these barenaked celebrities photos is the opportunity to clumsily force some symmetry on their sudden, unlreated appearance. Enjoy!

As times have changed, so have our ideas about the beauty of celebrity maternity. It's time that a magazine embraces this new paradigm to create an iconic cover that reflects the grace of the famous, childbearing female form in a way that speaks to the tabloid generation. The gauntlet is thrown.

· Is Demi Moore pregnant? This AP story provides absolutely no new information or insights. Delicious!
· "Car mishap," "hit and run," "twitchy Idol judge sideswipe," call it whatever you want, but the cops might be coming for Paula Abdul.
· Matthew McConaughey's MTV diary: It's just like On The Road, but as written by a nude bongo-drum enthusiast. [via Goldenfiddle]
· The Spamalot hype has reached such a breaking point that we can hardly wait for them to open a half-assed version of it in LA starring Ted Danson and Jason Biggs.
· Was anyone else relieved when Mischa Barton got delesbianized on The OC last night? We were really tiring of those excruciatingly uncomfortable girl-on-girl kisses, which we feared might ruin HLA for us forever. Anyway, whew, that was a close one!