When a video of Dennis Quaid exploding in anger at "dopey the dick" and a bunch of "pussies" on a TV set surfaced yesterday, many immediately suspected Jimmy Kimmel was involved. The theory makes sense—Quaid's rant arrived shortly after his brother's bizarre sex tapes , making him the perfect candidate to stage something like this, and it sounds a lot like the infamous temper tantrum Christian Bale threw at a director of photography years ago.

Here's a trailer for Footloose—yes, that Footloose—which will ruin your childhood when it hits theaters in October. The remake, produced by MTV, stars newcomer Kenny Wormald as Ren, Dancing with the Stars' Julianne Hough as Ariel, and Dennis Quaid as Ariel's dance-banning preacher father. There's dancing! And driving! And fighting!

I'm not entirely sure why Dennis Quaid has penned a short essay for Newsweek entitled "My Favorite Mistake: Cocaine," but he has, so let's blow through a few lines.

Dennis Quaid was given the choice to wearing a fat suit for his part in HBO's The Special Relationship. Instead, he went the method-actor route and packed on 35 pounds by hitting up McDonalds almost every day.

Christian Bale and Javier Bardem are in a plotless romantic drama. New entries in The Da Vinci Code and Fast and the Furious series of popular films. A movie about a shark attack. Trade Roundup: let us do this thing.

For the second time in the show's history, Dennis Quaid got mic'd-up on Ellen to go undercover. He was Ellen's slave; shouting, spinning and following Ellen's every command. This time, some poor delivery guy was victim to the Quaid/Degeneres creepiness.

A few years back, Ellen sent Dennis Quaid into a Starbucks with a hidden camera. She forced him to say egomanical statements and talk about himself in the third person. Quaid gamely plays along.

You've laughed at Conan's withering monologue takedowns of NBC and Jay Leno. But Fox is really serious about wanting Conan on their network. It's too bad an almost hilarious contract oversight might rob Conan of his $45 million breach-of-contract award.

Marc Jacobs has several reasons to celebrate today. In addition to his recent engagement, he'll also be blowing out 46 candles on his birthday cake today. Others marking the big day: NBC chief Jeff Zucker is 44. Hugh Hefner turns 83. Cynthia Nixon is 43. Leighton Meester is turning 23. Albert Hammond Jr. is turning 29. Joe Scarborough is 46. Porn queen Jenna Jameson is 35. Dennis Quaid turns 55. Fashion designer Martin Margiela is 52. Restaurateur Taavo Somer turns 36. Twilight actress Kristen Stewart is 19. Jesse McCartney turns 22. America's Next Top Model winner Yoanna House is 29. And former model-turned-ANTM judge Paulina Porizkova is 44.

Zac Efron continues his reign of mild terror, Freida Pinto is cool beans, George Lopez gets a talk show (shudder), and two fine actors will play two fine politicians in a flick about the Clintons.

• Matt Lauer's "deer incident" won't keep him down for long. He's reportedly in "good spirits" after undergoing surgery yesterday to repair a separated shoulder and will be back to work in a few days. [Star]
• How did Bruce Willis meet his new wife, Emma Heming? He picked her out during a casting call, just like any normal person. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan is sick of "people telling lies" about her since she's "really a good person" who just wants to put in a honest day's work. Got that? Good. [People, Us]
• Barbara Walters is planning to quit ABC in the near future so she can "spend more time with her boyfriend, Dr. Robert Butler." Or at least that's what "industry insiders" are telling the Enquirer. [NE]
• The cutbacks at Condé Nast continue: Editors like David Remnick and Ruth Reichl have been forced to take the subway! [NYP]

It's reconciliation day: Letterman invited Leno, Madonna offered to visit Guy Ritchie and even Marc Jacobs dropped the drama. Tom Cruise is still kind of a bastard, though.

• Remember all that talk about how a noble Guy Ritchie was walking away from his marriage to Madonna without asking for a penny? Madonna would like everyone to stop feeling sorry for him and note that he's actually getting somewhere between $75 and $92 million (depending on the value of several real estate properties), making it "one of the largest payouts ever," according to Madge's publicist, Liz Rosenberg. [NYP, Mirror]
• Imprisoned con man (and Anne Hathaway ex) Raffaello Follieri has agreed to pay back $3.6 million to the people he scammed, although it's doubtful it will ever happen since Follieri's lawyers say he's "virtually broke." [NYP, AP]
• Newlyweds Tommy Hilfiger and Dee Ocleppo are honeymooning at Tommy's home in Mustique and are planning a big reception in New York sometime after New Year's, just so you know. [Cindy Adams]

Hollywood has done its fair share of preaching to the political electorate this season, so Moviefone polled 1.1 million of its users to return the favor by electing their favorite screen presidents. They rose to the occasion by selecting Harrison Ford, Morgan Freeman, and several tremendous idiots. The list, after the jump:

Dennis Quaid completed publicity rounds for The Express last night with a visit to Conan O'Brien, who veered a ways off the script with a shout-out to Quaid's sultry 1987 potboiler The Big Easy. We had forgotten until that moment how mesmerizingly awkward his New Orleans detective's bastardized Cajun accent was, but with the aid of his unfailing actor's recall and an apparent nip or eight of green-room white lightning, the one-time King of Mardi Gras stunned the audience silent with a garbled scat that makes his Express turn look cardboard in comparison. "That was kind of schizophrenic," concluded the rattled O'Brien. Sure — that's one word for it. [Late Night with Conan O'Brien]

Uma Thurman outside her West Village apartment ... Ethan Hawke walking in Chelsea with his wife, baby, and dog ... Sarah Jessica Parker walking son James to school ... Ed Westwick in the makeup chair on the Gossip Girl set ... Peter Dinklage taking his dog for a walk ... Kate Winslet leaving her apartment ... Katie Holmes and Suri walking in the East Village ... Michelle Williams posing with Richie Rich on the red carpet ... Gary Sinise and Scott Wolf on the set of CSI ... Michelle Obama leaving the Time Warner building after an appearance on Larry King Live ... Sarah Chalke and Dennis Quaid outside the Letterman show ... and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen arriving at the airport last night.

After Meg Ryan spiced up her press tour for The Women by dropping infidelity bombs about ex-husband Dennis Quaid, the only question was whether the actor would decline a rebuttal, instead letting his patented "constipation face" speak volumes. Instead, Quaid spoke out to the NY Daily News, and though he didn't deny the allegations, he did attack Ryan for dredging up the past:

♦ Scarlett Johansson is a married woman: She tied the knot with actor Ryan Reynolds in a small ceremony outside of Vancouver on Saturday. [Us]
♦ Heather Locklear was arrested for driving under the influence of prescription drugs in Montecito, CA, on Saturday. [NYP]
♦ Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda will inherit his entire estate, which is estimated to be worth $20 million. [NYP]

Since her new, critically reviled remake of The Women pivots on the plot device of an unfaithful husband, Meg Ryan has decided to mouth off on similar rumors that plagued the dissolution of her marriage to actor Dennis Quaid. Ryan's affair with Proof of Life costar Russell Crowe had been blamed for the divorce — an allegation the actress once took right on the kisser. Now, speaking to InStyle, Ryan points the finger at Quaid's infidelity, an accusation that will surely plump the issue up to new levels:

Harrison Ford better keep one eye over his shoulder if he doesn't want to see his title of Hollywood's Most Constipated-Looking Leading Man slip through his fingers. Using a series of stills from Vantage Point, the Not-So-Exciting Life of Brian Palmer blog makes the compelling case that Dennis Quaid is really doing the most exciting work today in the realm of making-number-two-faces. [brianmpalmer.com]