You know what rules about being happy? Besides not ever staying up till three in the morning wondering if it's even morally right to bring a child into the world, at this point? This is what rules about happiness: You live longer! And you're healthier! Yes, a review of more than a hundred studies confirms: Happy people have every right to be smug, the bastards.

According to a new article in the British Journal of Psychiatry, the rate of depressive disorders among men in Western countries is likely to increase greatly—possibly catching up with that of women, who are are currently twice as likely to be diagnosed with a depressive disorder. Are you a man? Don't worry! We have solutions for you.

Pregnancy stress! Suzanne Somers cures cancer! Kidney transplant fight! Elderly STDs! Locked in happiness! Lady PTSD! Boxing fitness! Charlie Sheen rehab! And monster testing! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—one child at a time!

Sheyla Hershey—the dysmorphic damsel who went from having the world's largest breasts to no breasts at all when her KKK-cup implants nearly killed her—is currently in a coma after a deliberate drug overdose last night, her second suicide attempt in two months.

Eating instructions! Stair running! Five Hour Energy! Ballet bodies! Polar bear workout! Polio elimination! Winter blues! Exercise brain! Diabetes everywhere! As well as racist doctors! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—again and again, unsuccessfully!

Depressed college kids! Depressed video game kids! Depressed adults! Depressed B12! Depressed tooth decay! Depressed ginger! Depressed surgeons! Depressed ladies! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—quite happily, thank you!

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!

After guaranteeing its banks' debts in October 2008, Ireland announced this weekend that it applied for a multibillion-Euro bailout package from the European Union and the International Monetary Fund. Don't freak out, though! The corporate tax rate won't be raised.

Dream diets! Asthma surgery! Concussion guidelines! Exercise colds! Depression reruns! Robot hands! Bluffer brains! And kitty kitty kitty cats cats cats! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while pandering to cute addicts!

Though last year it was January 19th, this year Britain has declared that today, November 1st, is their most depressing day of the year. On account of the approaching cold and dark, consuming everyone. At least it's almost over, guys!

Fitness infomercial lies! Fat blasters! Exercise time! America's depression! Infant sleep killers! Low fat cancer! ADHD genes! And stupid cats are bad! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from a safe, fetal position!

A new Gallup survey shows that depression rose 25 percent since the Deepwater Horizon disaster in April. Proof that losing your livelihood + watching your environment be destroyed + utter sense of helplessness = major case of the blues.

Superbugs! Libido lack! Depressed students! Football brain! Dumb food docs! Marines with cancer! Whooping cough! Headline minds! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—as best we can, through the fog of concussion!

NYC's stressed! And obese! And un-restauranty! Vending machines kill! Personal trainers chill! Depression is ill! The dentist is for girls! Medical student hobos! Money and happiness! Punches in the nose! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, watching your health—degenerating!

Study: teens who spend lots of time online are more likely to be depressed. Another study: teens who watch reality TV are more likely to get plastic surgery. And teens who watch reality TV online think their boob jobs suck.

Arise from your stupor, Americans: it's a list of the Top 25 Psychiatric Meds of 2009! Are you feeling depressed, anxious, and panicked? Join the club. You're probably snoozy and suffering certain sexual side effects, too.

Do you eat chocolate because you are sad? Or are you sad because you eat chocolate? The conundrum, known as Guisewite's Paradox, has plagued philosophers for generations. And now, Science has tackled it! Do they have an answer for us?

Michael Moore emerged from a long hiatus to voice his outrage about health care on Tavis Smiley. What came out was the sad reality that one man cannot change the world—unless he's skinny.

Also, chicks think being "dark" is "hot," or something. Truth is it just means I don't want to fucking talk to you and I'd rather just go home and listen to The National and WRITE and BE BRILLIANT and SUCCESSFUL.

The parents of Andrew Koenig—who played Growing Pains neighbor Boner Stabone—say their son was "suffering from depression" at the time of his disappearance. Last seen on Valentine's Day, the star was in Vancouver.