Joe Jackson: dick, obviously. That Slumdog Millionaire kid, the theory: huge wang. Levi Johnston: famously awaited dong. Jon Gosselin, dickfore. King Bloomberg? You tell me. Paula Abdul, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Adam Duritz, DMX. Presenting your Dicktacular Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

• Lindsay Lohan is certainly having a good week. Not only did she finally land another acting role—she'll be appearing in The Other Side, along with Woody Harrelson, and Giovanni Ribisi—but she may be getting her own clothing line at JCPenny, too. And the cops are getting closer to figuring out who broke into her house, too, which has got to be good news. [NYDN, People, NYP]
• These are tough times for Jennifer Aniston, clearly: Bette Midler is now providing her with dating advice and says Jen should sign up on JDate and find "a nice Jewish boy" with "a lot of money." [NYDN]
• Rihanna is "convinced" it was Chris Brown who leaked nude photos of her last week as payback for not attending his birthday party. [NYDN]
• Chelsea Clinton has a six-pack! [P6]

• "Real Housewife" Kelly Killoren Bensimon has deceived us all once again. All the talk about her Ivy League education? Turns out she took classes at Columbia's extension school and anyone can do that. In related news, Jill Zarin supposedly tried to return a dress at Intermix with a big stain on it. [P6]
• Kelis—who is seven months pregnant—has filed for divorce from Nas. [NYDN, People]
• Marc Jacobs admits Madonna did ask him to help Jesus Luz get a work visa, but says it's "no big deal" since he'd "do anything to help a friend." [NYDN]
• An Austrian radio station now says it was responsible for hiring a Beyonce lookalike to fool a Vienna museum. [Us]
• Rachel Zoe flew first-class from LA to NYC. Her husband, however, was forced to fly coach. The indignity! [NYDN]

• Jesus Luz isn't making many friends with his fellow male models. At an event last week, the other models in the room were "gossiping like catty girls" about his "big, swollen head," and bitching that he's only booking work because of his relationship with Madonna. Really, you think? [NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan flew to Maui with her sister and mom, where she's been spotted tanning and shopping at Gucci and Louis Vuitton. So everything is pretty much back to normal. [NYDN, Us]
• Samantha Ronson changed her Facebook relationship status to "Married," whatever that's worth. [Sun]
• Good news for the handful of remaining Sex and the City fans out there: Sarah Jessica Parker says Chris Noth has finally signed on to do the sequel. [E!]

• After a handful of false alarms (and after claiming they were weren't even engaged) Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen finally got married yesterday, tying the knot in a small ceremony at a Catholic church in Santa Monica. [Us, People]
• It looks like Jeremy Piven won't be penalized for walking away from Speed-the-Plow, since officials from Actors' Equity and the Broadway League couldn't come to a consensus at his hearing yesterday. [NYT, NYP]
• Russell Simmons has agreed to pay Kimora $40,000 a month in child support until their daughters turn 19. [People]
• Derek Jeter is supposedly dating a 22-year-old FIT student. Given she enjoys playing his voicemails for her group of friends, you probably shouldn't expect the relationship to last very long. [NYDN]

• Paris Hilton hasn't given up on her dream of musical superstardom. At a Grammy after-party on Sunday, she accosted Paul McCartney and asked him if he'd be interested in doing a duet with her. Paul politely explained that he didn't think he'd have the time. [The Sun]
• Gwyneth Paltrow didn't join Chris Martin at any of the Grammy after-parties, so he found another chick to hang out with instead. [NYDN]
• The Chris Brown-Rihanna situation has taken a turn for the worse. Rihanna's injuries are reportedly "horrific," and include bite marks, facial contusions, and a bloody nose. Brown has hired attorney Mark Geragos to defend him. Both stars have cancelled upcoming appearances. And Brown's Doublemint gum ad has already been pulled. [People, TMZ, NYP]

Recognize these spotlight-loving criminal defense attorneys? Their identities (and some of their more notable clients) after the jump.

• Kate Moss has been telling friends that she wants to branch out into acting so she can become a "Hollywood star," and that she's already lined up an agent in New York. [Showbiz Spy]
• Michael Phelps has issued an apology after photos appeared this weekend in the News of the World showing him smoking weed. [NYP, NOTW]
• Bernie Madoff's grandkids are considering changing their last names. [P6]
• John Thain was hardly the first or the last: Clive Davis, Martin Bandier, and Rolf Schmidt-Holtz have all spent obscene amounts in recent years to redecorate their offices, too. [R&M]
• Despite the fact her magazine is losing millions and has laid off dozens, Portfolio's Joanne Lipman insisted on flying first class to Davos. [P6]

• Naomi Campbell has settled a lawsuit by a former maid who alleged the world's most temperamental supermodel threw her phone at her head after she failed to find a pair of misplaced jeans back in 2006. [NYDN]
• Casey Johnson and Courtenay Semel appear to have made up following their violent brawl. They're heading to Sundance together. [P6]
• Guy Ritchie spent time at Madonna's apartment on Tuesday. Not because they're reconciling, but because Madonna's daughter Lourdes insisted on it. [NYDN]
• George Soros has a new "friend," a model 50 years his junior named Kate Gibbs. This is what she looks like, just in case you're curious. [P6]
• Book agent and man-about-town Luke Janklow and his wife, Sweetiepie owner Julie Janklow, appear to be headed for divorce. [P6]

• Jeremy Piven's latest conquest? A 23-year-old model/bottle waitress at Mansion named Ashley Chontos, who was the first to respond to Piven's late-night text appeal ("Come to my room—whoever responds first gets me for the night") and who, you'll be happy to hear, is standing by her man, even though he's in Bangkok so he can "recover" from "mercury poisoning." [NYDN]
• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are supposedly divorcing in a few weeks, or at least that's what the Daily News says. For the time being, though, they seem to be enjoying themselves in Puerto Rico. [E!]
• Mia Farrow's daughter's death may have been been AIDS-related. [NYP]
• Mariah Carey is supposedly in talks to make a Broadway musical about her life and hopes Leona Lewis, Vanessa Hudgens, or Eva Longoria will take on the lead role. [Telegraph]

This isn't an easy time for Dan Loeb. (The billionaire hedge funder was forced to start renting his Gulfstream jet by the hour recently.) But hopefully he'll get a chance to enjoy the big day: He turns 47 today. Others celebrating: Katie Holmes is turning 30. Brad Pitt is 45. Steven Spielberg is 62. Christina Aguilera is turning 28. PR guru/filmmaker Dan Klores is 59. Randi Weingarten is 51. Memorial Sloan-Kettering chief (and Nobel Prize winner) Harold Varmus is turning 69. Keith Richards is turning 65. Model agency owner Faith Kates is turning 51. Ray Liotta is 54. Former Miss USA Tara Conner is 23. And troublemaking rapper DMX is turning 38.

• Donny Deutsch has been caught fooling around with a married woman. Or at least that's what hedge fund manager Andrew Sandler claims, who hired a private detective to follow his wife Lisa around and eventually scored pics of the two of them making out. [P6]
• Jennifer Aniston appears naked on the cover of the new GQ, and in the accompanying article she says her relationship with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is like an "insane Bermuda Triangle." Meanwhile, Brad admits to the new Rolling Stone that he fell in love with Angie while he was still married to Jen. [NYP, Daily Mail]
• Rachel Zoe's rep says the only reason she's been looking so thin lately is because she "just got over the stomach flu." Right. [OK!]

♦ Haven't seen Giuseppe Cipriani around town lately? There may be a reason for that: He's believed to be outside the U.S. since he's on probation and because Andrew Cuomo is investigating how the family managed to keep its liquor license earlier this year. [P6]
♦ Angelina Jolie has been undergoing secret fertility treatments in the hopes of becoming pregnant with twins within the next two years. At least that's what Star says. [Star]
♦ Everyone on Gossip Girl may be hooking up with each other, but at least one relationship isn't going so strong: Blake Lively was spotted making out with a guy who was not Penn Badgley. [E!, P6]
♦ Leonardo DiCaprio lost his wallet at Rolf's on Third Avenue, and Tom Cruise lost his Blackberry somewhere in Toronto. [P6, P6]

♦ You probably heard the news yesterday that Clay Aiken is coming out of the closet. We thought we'd remind you again since you're undoubtedly still in a state of shock and disbelief. [P6, People]
♦ Anna Wintour took the trash out of her West Village townhouse wearing sweatpants, a t-shirt, and slippers. [R&M]
♦ Olivia Palermo's role in Whitney Port's new Hills spinoff will earn her $12,000 an episode. [P6]
♦ In response to her father's recent rants, Lindsay Lohan says her dad is out of line and "obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods." [P6]
♦ Jude Law was spotted with protestors outside the UN this week, although he was acting like "more of an observer than a protestor." [MSNBC]

• It's no fun living near Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Neighbors in the West Village say the two are "spoiled brats" since they have bodyguards posted outside their apartment on West 13th Street who make neighbors get off the stoop whenever the twins are arriving home, and the twins keep SUVs idling in front of the building for hours at a time. [P6]

• The war between News Corp. and NBC rages on. Today Page Six reports that Keith Olbermann is so concerned about being "assassinated," he's refusing to cover the Republican National Convention unless MSNBC springs for a more secure location. They also claim none of Luke Russert's new colleagues at NBC News like him, especially since he got to ride around the convention in golf carts while they had to walk. [P6, P6]

• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will be tying the knot in California tomorrow. Portia is expected to wear a Zac Posen gown in front of their 20 guests. [Us, P6]

• Jay-Z is in talks to sell a stake in his 40/40 club to the owners of Las Vegas' Venetian and Palazzo hotels for $44 million. The deal would also allow the club to expand to Europe, a continent clamoring for overpriced Cristal. [Page Six]

• Real estate developer Christopher Jeffries, whose Millennium Partners turned the St. Moritz on Central Park South into a Ritz-Carlton with 277 rooms and 11 full-floor condos, has sold his 29th floor, 5,954-square-foot apartment in the building for $28.5 million. [Cityfile]

• Diddy and Cassie are secretly engaged? That's what the highly credible Star says. The rap mogul apparently told friends during son Justin's graduation from Horace Mann last month. [Star]