The manslaughter trial of Dr. Conrad Murray began today with Los Angeles District Attorneys laying out their argument that Murray—Michael Jackson's personal physician—is responsible for the pop singer's death. Among the exhibits (along with a photo of Jackson's body) was this recording, taken from Murray's iPhone, of a clearly messed-up Jackson talking about concert plans. The addled tragedy of Jackson's life is well-known at this point, but nothing's really hammered it home quite like this tape.

Just this summer, the government finished building a 2.8 mile long, $11.6 million border fence near Nogales, Arizona. Alas, drugs are still getting into America. But how???

Cameron Douglas, the eldest son of actor Michael Douglas, who is currently serving five years for dealing crystal meth may testify against one of his suppliers in an upcoming drug trial.

You know how your boozy friend Kathleen always pours that third glass of pinot noir and then says, "It's good for your blood pressure anyway." Well, apparently that lush Kathleen is wrong.

A pair of Houston police officers are being investigated for eating from a tray of pot brownies they confiscated from a teenage stoner, then chatting about getting "so HIGH...good munchies" on their in-car computer. KTRK reports:

We all know the economy is bad, but how bad is it? So bad that New Yorkers can't afford to shovel blow into their faces like its closing night at Studio 54. Damn, that's really bad. But is it true?

Making good on their gruesome warning of targeting "internet snitches," members of Mexico's Zetas drug cartel decapitated a woman who was a frequent poster to a website where citizens could post information about drug gang violence.

Bedbug death! Brain collection! Obesity drug! Depression stroke! Lung cancer! Sexxxy kids! Soup disease! Killer cantaloupe! And young people who think they're pret-ty damn clever! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—before you're ready!

A 25-year-old from Syracuse has been charged with reckless endangerment and child endangerment for using cocaine while breast-feeding her 14-month-old baby. The New York Daily News reports:

Christopher "Dudus" Coke was the baddest cross-dressing drug lord in Jamaica—it literally took an army to bring him down. Now, he's about to be sentenced in New York. He'd like leniency, please. Why? Because! Stuff, and things.

Gosh, you are probably saying to yourself right now, my commute was bad today. I wonder how it was in Boca Del Rio, Mexico? Well! "Masked gunmen blocked traffic on a busy avenue... and dumped the bodies of 35 slaying victims as horrified motorists watched."

DEADLY DRUG DEATH SHOCKER: As of 2009, more Americans die from prescription drugs than die in cars. Wow. So?

Hong Kong's Narcotics Bureau seized 1,250 pounds of cocaine, worth, in their estimation, $77 million, setting a new world record (and they think they'll find more!). Eight people were arrested, including one American, five Mexicans and one Colombian.

Denroy Morgan, an old-timey Jamaican reggae star, got pulled over in the Bronx on Friday with 25 pounds of weed in his trunk. Oh crikey, can you be any more stereotypical, Denroy Morgan?

Just imagine you're a 20-year-old guy wrapping up a Brazilian vacation, and you've got managed to fit close to a kilo of cocaine down your throat before heading to the airport. Oh, the raging parties you'll throw! And the money! And the ladies. But then you're kindly asked at the airport to submit to a medical scan. Via MSNBC's Photoblog, we learn that these images are of a 20-year-old Irish man who was arrested on September 12 at Congonhas airport in Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Bad news for West Coast junkies (is there really any other kind of news for junkies?): Two cases of suspected botulism in Seattle have been blamed on tainted black tar heroin, in addition to four recently in Texas, according to the Los Angeles Times. It's especially bad because the only real way to find out your stash is tainted is to contract botulism!

On Tuesday morning, two gruesomely mutilated bodies were discovered in the Mexican border city of Nuevo Laredo, hanging from a pedestrian bridge. Next to the bodies were signs, one of which read "This will happen to all the internet snitches. Be warned, we've got our eye on you. Signed, Z "

Immune cancer! Alpha males! Child naps! Hospital sepsis! Kidney disease! Erectile cure! More diabetes! Designer drugs! And you won't want to miss today's fruit that will kill you! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—opioidally!

Perhaps you thought your freshman year would be one long debauchery festival featuring a few term papers here and there interspersed with copious amounts of alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, hashish, hash oil, opium, ketamine, cocaine, GHB, DMT, DXM, LSD, salvia, amphetamine, methamphetamine, nitrous oxide, ayahuasca, ibogaine, peyote, and various distillations of regional hallucinogenic plants.

Scientists examining surveys of health and drug use have found that people who smoke pot regularly are less likely to be obese—a shocking rejection of a series of experiments I performed over the course of my junior year of college.