Sorry to have to ruin your Halloween plans, but starting in September, eBay will no longer allow the sale of hexes, spells, magic potions, curses, prayers, healing sessions, or any of the other awesome stuff the world's friendly witches and warlocks provide.

Now that he's moved on to bigger and shinier things, Barack Obama has no need for his old mode of transportation. I'm actually pretty sure he ditched it a while back, but hey — now it can be yours. The eBay scourers over at BuzzFeed stumbled on an exciting opportunity to purchase Obama's 2005 Chrysler 300. For a paltry one million dollars, you can drive around in the same car then-Senator Obama may have used to travel between Washington D.C. and Chicago. That's right, no guarantees. At least the listing is honest?

Gigantic internet zombie Yahoo announced it's installed Scott Thompson as CEO, replacing the scary lady who cussed. Thompson was president of noted precious antique destroyer PayPal, isn't big on journalism, and dresses like Mitt Romney's less cool older brother.

An intriguing exclusive in The New York Times claims that many people shop on the internet... while drunk. Is it true? That's not for us to say—we're just here to help! What will you purchase, next time you are trawling eBay and Amazon while you're drunk?

There were those who laughed off a recent eBay listing claiming to offer a Civil War-era photograph of Nicolas Cage (he went by Jack Mord back then, but that was probably just an anagram) for the cool asking price of $1 million. "Personally," the seller wrote, "I believe it's him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire, etcetera, who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so."

For sale for $4500 on eBay: A six-foot terra cotta flower planter shaped like Rick Perry's head. A Texas fertilizer company created Governor Goodhair's chia pet alter-ego during the 2010 gubernatorial election. Cow Wow Liquid Compost also created a chia bust of Perry's opponent Bill White. They then held an "election" to see which "head of state" had better "hair."

Famous pancake artist Dan Lacey has rendered this realistic work in which President Barack Obama cures his depression by having sparkly thoughts of naked Scarlett Johansson photos. In the bottom-left corner is Bo the Dog, wearing a lei (but not his right eye???!!) in honor of the Hawaiian continent. Currently on sale at eBay. Would look great in your bathroom, or your tent.

Federal prosecutors just jumped into a long running slapfight between eBay and Craigslist over how the former acquired a stake in the latter. As it turns out, they're on Craigslist's side: They've opened a criminal probe into whether eBay executives used their ownership to illicitly obtain competitive information.

If we didn't attend the week-long Burning Man festival in Nevada every year, we probably wouldn't be the deeply spiritual, open-minded individual that we are today. We'd just be another emotional eunuch living in America, ignorant in the ways of radical self-expression. Sadly, we and our collection of fruit-flavored body paints and hovercrafts won't be able to go hang out on the Black Rock City playa this year, because last week festival tickets completely sold out for the first time in its 25-year history.

Still thinking about buying one of those Casey Anthony masks on sale at eBay? You've still got about six hours to place your bid. Come on, it's only $24,300 (and counting)—just dip into your kid's college fund.

Ever dream of slurping down fettuccine across the table from the most wanted man in the world? You can now bid on lunch with Julian Assange.

You can buy anything on eBay, from Princess Beatrice's hat to some teen's virginity—even a piece of the moon. A Southern California woman hocking a purported moon rock on eBay was busted by an undercover sting operation.

When Justin Bieber got his groundbreaking hair cut, he put a little lock of it in a plastic box and gave it to Ellen. Now she's auctioning it off on her eBay page, with all the proceeds going to some animal welfare charity. The auction has been live for a little under 12 hours, and already it's up to $6,700! Jesus.

Whoever buys "the identity of 'Banksy'" on Ebay for $25,000: send us a copy.

Ashton Kutcher's maybe-mistress milks her 15 minutes. The Baldwin family Christmas will be argumentative. "Taylor Momsen offends Scottish crowd," but not for the reason you think. Tuesday gossip will soon be naked.

A storied but little-seen porno from Sylvester Stallone's past is back. Filmed in 1970, Italian Stallion recently resurfaced in an appropriately sleazy (if bizarrely straightforward) way: The pornographers who owned the film sold its rights for $412,000 on eBay.

Meg Whitman, the Republican nominee for California Governor, used to be the CEO of eBay. She knows a lot about computers, right? Apparently not enough to prevent a staffer from mistakenly Tweeting a video of a cross- Japanese bass player.

Hey phonies! Want a piece of literary history? Well here you go. A toilet from J.D. Salinger's home, that the reclusive author probably pooped in!, is being auctioned off on eBay for $1M. Next up, one hopes: Sylvia Plath's bidet.

eBay CEO Meg Whitman's quest to buy the California governor's seat continues. She just donated another $13 million to her own campaign, bringing her total contribution to $104 million. Her opponent, Jerry Brown, has spent less than $1 million.

When a company picks up and moves—or when a, say, advertising firm breaks in half—what is there to do but to have a moving sale?