Because no one is really going to be happy until the newly rehabbed, destined for morgue gore-mopping Lindsay Lohan falls off the wagon in a Jeff Conaway-style drooling-screaming fit, The Razzies have taken it on themselves to give her a good, hard shove. I Know Who Killed Me was "recognized" with a whopping nine nominations, including worst picture and worst actress. Razzie founder and starlet-kicker John Wilson gushed about the sheer awfulness of the film to the Associated Press, eager to explain how it managed to rise above (below?) in a field crowded with bottom-dwelling crap like The Number 23 and Daddy Day Camp.

We regret to inform some of you (and are thrilled to inform some others) that a stunning reversal of romantic fortunes has befallen Oscar-jilted comedy superstar Eddie Murphy: A mere two weeks after what by all accounts was said to be the tropical fairy tale wedding to end all tropical fairy tale weddings, the Shrek Goes Fourth star (yes, it's coming, don't even try to escape) has announced that his legally-binding-only-in-Bora Bora marriage to girlfriend Tracey Edmonds has already come to an end:

· We bestow the Defamer Medal of Heroism upon Dr. Mark Lowe, who helped save the life of a man shot point blank in the middle of a crowded Colorado Blvd. in Old Town Pasadena last night, and whose clinical emphasis on the word "weed" we've now savored approximately two dozen times.
· For the love of God, we beg you not to click on this photo of Keith Richards Photoshopped to have two mouths where his eyes should be. Please! Don't! We beg of you!
· The LAT has a list about all the reasons they—gasp!—hate end-of-year lists.
· Well, whatever, LAT. We love lists. Particularly the AFI's annual Moments of Significance, which, uh...celebrate the significant moments of our lives? "The Hollywood writers strike, the iPhone and the 'hyper-tabloidization' of television news" top this year's list.
· Eddie Murphy is reportedly set to "wed any minute now in the South Pacific." That smashing sound is a hundred 4 a.m. Yukon Mining Co. patrons' hearts shattering.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Andy Dick sober.

· According to a poll, 9 out of 10 adults believe that the diverting clusterfucks resulting from celebrity scandals get "too much" news coverage. Expect the immediate cancellation of Entertainment Tonight, AH, The Insider, Extra, everything on E!, and the shuttering of Us Weekly, People, Star, Life & Style and InTouch as demand for gossip completely dries up in the oversaturated market.
· On the other hand, that unaccounted for adult from the poll thinks the amount of coverage of lunches attended by more than one lady Eddie Murphy has slept with is "just right."
· That person also loves the stories about the cute orphan Madonna adopted!
· Bratz, Underdog...Rainbow Brite?
· We really love us some Happy Foot/Sad Foot.

• "According to a frighteningly observant mommy source, [Michelle] Williams was looking very late-60's Mia Farrow with her blond pixie haircut, wearing a striped lavender-and-black baby doll knit jumper and dark Ray-Ban sunglasses, and pushing a pink Maclaren stroller that contained her 21-month-old daughter, Matilda (clad in a simple red cotton dress, diaper and purple Crocs)." What, the observant mommy didn't get a peek at her bra strap to determine the color of her undies? [NYO]
  

Eddie Murphy, who since his soul-crushing Oscar night disappointment has withdrawn inside a fortress of fat-lady-latex solitude and refused to accept visitors, has remained highly skeptical of claims made by former girlfriend Scary "When Can We Drop These Idiotic Nicknames Already" Spice (aka Melanie Brown) that the child she carried to term last April was his own. Now, Brown's camp is telling People that the result of Murphy's June 11 DNA test prove the baby is "110 percent" his:

· In case you haven't heard about the whole Chris Albrecht mess, a recap: arrested in Vegas Sunday, news breaks Monday, heads off to rehab Tuesday, new shit comes to light Wednesday morning, fired Wednesday afternoon, HBO in turmoil Thursday. There, that about gets you up to speed. [Variety, THR]
· With his shocking Dreamgirls Oscar loss solidifying the dissociative identity disorder that drives him to take roles in terrible comedies demanding he portray multiple characters, Eddie Murphy signs on for a family-friendly big-screen version of Fantasy Island in which he's expected to play a variety of roles. Get ready for some disturbing, Little Man-style FX grafting his face onto a dwarf's body for his Tattoo scenes. [THR]
· You know what the world really needs? Another Terminator movie, but without Schwarzenegger or Cameron or anything that made the first two worth watching. [Variety]
· The pre-upfront buzz says that it's going to be another bad year for comedy, a premise supported by rumors that ABC's Cavemen is gaining pick-up momentum. Please, God, let it make the schedule. [THR]

Normally, we'd be content to allow you to take the crash course in crowd-pleasing moviemaking offered by CNN.com's always edifying Story Highlights box, then send you on your way to get started on an incredibly lucrative career producing the kind of sure-fire hits that result from the combination of big-name stars, latex fat-suits, and middle-aged men falling off of motorcycles. But we thought that producer/director Brian Robbins' stirring defense of Norbit earner Eddie Murphy's talents bears a moment of your time, if for no other reason than it provides something of a bonus lesson in how to defend your talent against snobbish accusations that farting through a pair of grotesquely dimpled rubber buttocks isn't a valid demonstration of craft:

Because an A-list actor's refusal to attend the Academy Awards ceremony in a year in which he appears in a Best Picture candidate is an act of disrespect to the Hollywood Community tantamount to urinating upon one of Wolfgang Puck's chocolate Oscars at the Governors Ball, Page Six launched an investigation into Brad Pitt's Sunday night whereabouts, finally determining that the personally un-nominated performer was busy filming a movie in New Orleans. With that mystery solved, they turn their attention to the Not-So-Curious Case of Eddie Murphy's Post-Loss Disappearance:

Rouse yourself from your Monday morning nap long enough to take a quick tour of the weekend's box office numbers:

Eddie Murphy, according to today's LAT and various people not completely charmed by the actor's recent emergence from seclusion to humbly accept a handful of trinkets from various press organizations and professional guilds, might have a problem. While he's the frontrunner™ for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his eye-opening, "Hey, he can act!" turn in Dreamgirls, his peers in the Academy might pause as the quivering tips of their fountain pens approach his name on their ballots, have their minds flooded with unpleasant thoughts about the advisability of bestowing the single greatest honor in the history of human endeavor upon a man whose current project demands a Martin Lawrence-level of craft, and, after recovering from a prolonged vomiting fit brought on by thoughts of being asphyxiated by the disturbingly realistic, dimple-riddled ladyfolds of Murphy's Norbit costume, cast their votes for Djimon Hounsou.

· Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni sign on for two more years of Law & Order: Sexy Victims Unit (that's what it's called, right? We get so confused.), getting pay raises that catapult them into the rarefied territory of Charlie Sheen-level remuneration. [Variety]
· Fox files a subpoena trying to uncover the identity of the scofflaw who posted entire episodes of The Simpsons and 24 on the YouTubes; if successful, parent company News Corp. will petition to have the pirate punished by being locked in a MySpace chat window with a known sexual predator to teach him (or her) a lesson about abusing the power of the internet. [THR]
· Eddie Murphy is in talks to star in the Paramount comedy NowhereLand, though it's unclear from the project's brief description where the star's contractually mandated opportunity to disappear into a latex fat suit will come. [Variety]
· The American Idol Nielsen h-bomb flattens competing network Nagasakis and incinerates the minds of 36.9 million helpless TV victims. [THR]
· Condo-hopping dealmakers compete to make thrilling Sundance acquisitions into the wee hours. [Variety]

Hollywood Out Of Ideas, Now They're Really, Really Out Of Ideas, We Mean It This Time Edition: Paramount, Eddie Murphy, and producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura will work closely to "reinvigorate" and "update" the Beverly Hills Cop franchise. We expect that Paramount will immediately hire Moby to re-record the "Axel F" theme, put in a call to Josh Hartnett's people to gauge his interest in being "the next Judge Reinhold," and deposit $30 million in Murphy's bank account to prove to the star how important retaining the integrity of the franchise is to them. [Variety]
Warner Bros. signs up George Clooney to star in and produce an adaptation of the James Ellroy novel White Jazz and to direct the heist flick The Belmont Boys, and in return for his involvement in these more creatively satisfying projects, Clooney has agreed to appear in Ocean's Fourteen through Twenty-Eight for the studio. Under this latest art-for-commerce swap, should Clooney expire or lose his Old Hollywood good looks before the production of the latter sequels, Warner Bros. has the right to use a digital recreation of the actor to complete his commitment. [THR]
Disney's screening Apocalypto for just about every group that might be remotely interested in the film (even the media!), hoping that the public will forget about Mel Gibson's interesting, tequila-amplified thoughts on Jews and judge the films on its own, Mayan-talkin', graphically violent merits. [Variety]
Facelift enthusiast Meg Ryan now officially unrecognizable enough to play a thinly veiled Carrie Fisher. [THR]
· On the last day of November sweeps, ABC discovers that Show Me the Money and Day Break are pretty poor substitutes for Dancing with the Stars and Lost. [Variety]

• This is what happens when you tell him "Band on the Run" is rubbish. [TMZ]
  

We asked for more PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings, and you came through! Keep them coming to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and update us on the most recent fluctuations of Val Kilmer's magical, morphing belly.

· Jessica Alba still wants that Playboy pulled, but the magazine's people make a very good point: When Donald Trump was on the cover, no one expected to see him spread-eagle on one of his incredibly tacky dining room tables.
· Every backlash has its anti-backlash. Craignotbond.com, meet Givecraigachance.com.
· Cracked teaches you how to win your very own Oscar. Hint: Anal sex is the new ugly.
· If this morning's post didn't satisfy your craving for Eddie Murphy tranny stories, there's a lot more where that came from.
· We've never seen a Kirsten Dunst impression before, but this YouTuber kind of knocks it out of the park.

Sitting high atop Eddie Murphy's long list of lifelong regrets, above even The Adventures of Pluto Nash and Showtime, must be that fateful night in 1997 when he fell victim to his own bleeding heart and whisked a weepy transexual street walker off the mean streets of West Hollywood, only to be stopped by cops and questioned about what s/he was doing in his car. ("Taking a load off, officers!" we imagine him saying, before launching into his trademark wheeze-laugh.) Nine years later, he's still living his good deed down, and thanks to his recent divorce to Nicole Mitchell, the whole affair is about to bubble back up to the surface:

Turns out one of yesterday's To Do listings, an evening at the Improv touting a very special guest "who was on an amazing Comedy Central show that ended way before its time bitch, led some of you to believe Dave Chappelle (who was doing a show at the Comedy Store later that night) would be showing up for a set. HAHAHA! Suckers! (All right, fine, we bought it too.)

· Did Eddie Murphy's wife file for divorce because he's not enough fun? You know, the kind of fun that doesn't involve the tranny hookers.
· Our pals at TVGasm scored some pretty sweet pics of the Laguna Beach kids at their prom. We've fallen woefully behind on the second season, so we have no idea who the hoo-er in the yellow dress is.
· Our degenerate blog-brothers from Oddjack and Gridskipper got together to handicap various odds related to Tara Reid's hosting of Wild On Tara, like the 3/1 chance that drunken Americans in Pamplona successfully exhort the hostess to flash the Frankenboobs.
· LAist thinks it's discovered the best waiter in Los Angeles at a Chevy's in Glendale. More amazingly, it seems that this super-waiter has never been a cast member of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.