Despite being a mere 169 pages long, Crippled America, the newest book from obscenely prolific author and current presidential candidate Donald Trump, is not an easy read. It becomes physically painful around page 11, when Trump is, ostensibly, explaining why he makes outrageous comments:

Alone in your room, in front of your mirror, holding a hairbrush as if it were a microphone, you can be anyone—either GOP candidate or Beyoncé. In this quiz, however, you can only be one: either GOP candidate or Beyoncé.

Campaign finance reformer Larry Lessig, the only presidential candidate thus far to sit for an interview with Gawker, is dropping his bid for the Democratic nomination. Other presidential candidates are urged to ignore this precedent and contact us to schedule an interview.

To most American voters (especially the younger ones), Jeb Bush’s new slogan will mostly just sound uninspired, and slightly reminiscent of Bob the Builder. But for pretty much anyone even mildly aware of British popular culture, the words “Jeb Can Fix It,” soon to be plastered on every surface his dying campaign can touch, will bring to mind just one thing: Jimmy Savile, one of the most prolific child abusers in the history of entertainment.

The ideal GOP debate would feature little to no debating at all, if the working demand letter circulated Monday morning is to be believed.

If there’s one thing all 15 (!) Republican presidential candidates can agree on it’s that pretending televised debates are anything more than a sham—and that network TV journalists are actually journalists—is probably, at this point, a whole lot more trouble than it’s worth.

Next week, Des Moines, Iowa will play host to the National Religious Liberties Conference—a warm, welcoming place where you get to hear about how birth control literally fills women’s wombs with tiny dead fetus babies and how homosexuals should be put to death. Naturally, GOP candidates Ted Cruz, Bobby Jindal, and Mike Huckabee were more than happy to sign up.

One of the formative stories in frontrunning GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson’s life, a tale he’s told in no less than six of his books and trotted out again on the campaign trail this year, describes how, as a teen, he became so enraged that he stabbed another boy. In every version of the story, the boy’s metal belt buckle fortuitously saves him from Carson’s stabbity wrath. But, as the Daily Beast’s Gideon Resnick noticed when he compared Carson’s accounts, that’s the only detail that’s consistent across all of them.

This will not stand. No. It certainly will not. Do you think Chris Christie, honorable governor of the state of New Jersey, is just some sort of toilet man?

Tonight, at 8pm, the top 10 Republican candidates for President of the United States will, once again, send Twitter into a frenzy as they brawl on stage for the third (fourth? eighth?) time. But this time, these ten (mostly) wildly wealthy clowns will fight over what makes the world go round: tech policy! And of course, money.

In act of mutual desperation, CNN and Lindsey Graham conducted an interview over beers at a bar in Boulder last night in advance of tonight’s GOP debate. All parties were there to show the world they know how to have a little fun, which apparently meant a G-rated version of “fuck, marry, kill” called—this hurts to type—“date, marry, or disappear forever.”

When it comes time to run for President—few things are more crucial to any good campaign than a rockin’, vaguely patriotic tune to blast as your stuffy, out-of-touch candidate comes bumbling out onstage. The second most crucial thing: A slightly less-rockin’ backup song to play when your first one gets canned because, as luck would have it, every good band hates you.

How did Donald Trump get his start? He did it the same way self-made American men have been doing it since time immemorial: hard work, bootstraps, determination, elbow grease, perseverance, and a tiny little pile of money from his daddy.

On Friday, after Ben Carson passed him in the polls in Iowa, Donald Trump called his fellow candidate “super low energy.” Carson offered a response Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press” by referring to his violent past: “There was a time when I was very volatile.”

In an interview with CBS’ “60 Minutes” aired on Sunday, Joe Biden, who announced this week that he would not run for president, disputed accounts that his son Beau, on death’s door, told him to run for president. “Nothing like that ever, ever happened,” Biden said.

Despite the financial support of all of America’s rich people, amiable Republic meerkat Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign is now being run with all the shabby frugality of a thrift store that is slowly going bankrupt.

According to a recent poll from the Des Moines Register and Bloomberg, Iowa’s Republican caucusgoers love Ben Carson. And what they specifically love about Ben Carson is that he is a Muslim-hating, Holocaust-revising lunatic with no political experience whatsoever. In other words, Iowa Republicans love him because he is them.

Cranial bee sting victim Donald Trump is a leading presidential candidate, despite the fact that he is clearly a stupid, racist clown. Can Donald Trump say anything too stupid to dissuade his own backers?

You’ll never guess who Donald Trump thinks could have prevented 9/11. Just kidding: It’s Donald Trump.