Somebody keeps stealing Hamptonite Andy Sabin’s “Hillary for Prison 2016” signs. “Living in a town with a lot of left-wing wackos, that’s what happens,” he said. So he put up new ones, atop of a 12-foot pole, surrounded by an electric fence, watched by a surveillance camera.

At a campaign event on Saturday in Laconia, New Hampshire, Chris Christie announced that, if elected president, he would ask the CEO of FedEx, Frederick W. Smith, to devise a tracking system to combat illegal immigration.

In one of the most simultaneously bleak and fawning ten minutes of television I have ever seen, former candidate for Vice President of the United States and current off-brand Fox News (OAN) personality Sarah Palin interviewed everyone’s favorite screaming steamed carrot, Donald Trump.

At a campaign event on Thursday, in Little Rock, Arkansas, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said, to a smattering of applause, “There is no war on women. There may be a war on what’s inside of women, but there is no war on women in this country.”

“Trump has built a broad, demographically and ideologically diverse coalition, constructed around personality, not substance, that bridges demographic and political divides,” the New York Times reports. “Trumpism...is an attitude, not an ideology.” Trumpism! Oh no help.

According to a newly released survey by Public Policy Polling, the vast majority of North Carolinians say they are “not sure” how they feel about Deez Nuts, and those that do have an impression of the presidential candidate overwhelming say they do not care for Deez Nuts.

Granted, this isn’t exactly Marco Rubio’s fault. No matter how old you are, if you’re going to run out for a pass, you should probably at least be able to prevent it from hitting you in the face. That said, “eager young kid unable to come through on the big stage” is a decent metaphor for Rubio’s career in national politics.

Hillary Clinton, who has been known to move her limbs in accordance with strategically timed patterns of sounds in the past, is at it again. This time with her mate, former President Bill Clinton. Look at how much fun they’re having.

The United States of America has a Communist Party. John Bachtell is its national chairman. We spoke to him about American politics, the mistakes of the Soviets, and communism’s “branding problem.”

Noted Donald Trump enthusiast Donald Trump lied to a group of children yesterday during an incredible series of events that played out like the bleakest of CNN wet dreams. In a video posted to Facebook, a boy points a camera at the petulant clown running for president and asks, point-blank, if he is Batman. Trump’s response: “I am Batman.”

Here are some things that Donald Trump, a Ralph Steadman illustration come to life, who arrived at the Iowa State Fair this weekend by helicopter and who apparently isn’t going away anytime soon, said this weekend.

After weeks of GOP candidates pandering to the anti-Planned Parenthood masses, it looks like the one man who should know better re:fetal tissue donations—famed ex-neurosurgeon Ben Carson—actually does know better. Or at least, he did back in 1992 when he did his own research on 17-week fetal tissue. But, according to Carson, that was different.

Donald Trump, speaking in Michigan Tuesday: “Jeb Bush or Hillary, or one of these politicians, all controlled by lobbyists and special interests—and donors, people like me from previous months—total control. Bing bing, bong bong bong, bing bing. You know what that is, right?”

In today’s edition of No, I Hate Abortion More, Senator Ted Cruz attempted to one-up his GOP running mates in the form of an overwrought tirade against Planned Parenthood and—if we’re to take him at his word—the polio vaccine.

Yesterday, Marco Rubio went on national television to reaffirm his awful anti-abortion beliefs to the public. And of course, to confirm that humans are not, in fact, cats.

On Saturday, Bernie Sanders was scheduled to speak to a crowd of thousands of supporters in a Seattle park. He never did; the event was shut down after a handful of protesters disrupted it in the name of “Black Lives Matter.” This was remarkably dumb.

Shortly after Donald Trump, a wispy corn husk wrapped around several stacks of sequential hundreds, announced his run for president in June, he suggested his nominee for Secretary of the Treasury would be billionaire businessman Carl Icahn. Icahn initially said he wasn’t interested, but after seeing Trump at last night’s GOP debate, has apparently changed his mind.

Chris Christie (campaign slogan: Telling It Like It Is) repeatedly told it like it factually is not during last night’s GOP debate, twice claiming that President Bush appointed him U.S. attorney one day before 9/11. That didn’t actually happen.

The first (real, non-consolation prize) GOP debate begins at 9 p.m. How long will Donald Trump last before security forcibly escorts him out? How many times will the angry white men utter the word “rape” for no apparent reason? How many groups of minority voters will be spectacularly and irrevocably alienated? And how much of the beautiful light inside of each and every one of us will die before the madness finally stops? We’ll be here (with special guest Glenn Greenwald), starting at 8:45 Eastern to find out.

The undercard to tonight’s GOP debate was a roundly depressing affair, as the seven runners-up wheezed hot, foul air into an empty basketball arena in Cleveland. But no moment was quite as sad, nor more human, than when Lindsey Graham took a moment to reflect on his lonely life.