It’s time. Tomorrow night, at 9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, ten drunk clowns are going to fight with each other on national television for the chance to make wildly important decisions that affect each and every one of our livelihoods. It is going to be a god damn masterpiece.

The media is often granted access to important people. What responsibility—if any—do news outlets have to not be dirty, desperate, pitiful whores in exchange for this access?

And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.

Earlier this morning, a restaurant full of wildly unlucky, likely cursed New Hampshire voters had to pretend to eat breakfast while Chris Christie discussed the act of putting his penis inside of a woman’s vagina. Which he has done. Multiple times.

New Jersey governor and snack gourmand Chris Christie hates unions. And he really hates teachers unions. So much so, in fact, that when the bridge bandit himself was asked who he thought deserved a punch in the face, he didn’t even have to blink before confidently announcing: “Oh, the national teachers union.”

If Hillary Clinton’s stance on the minimum wage is any indicator, the Democratic party can expect a leader who specializes in the party’s greatest talent: capitulation.

Last Sunday, former Arkansas governor and enraged Nostradamus impersonator Mike Huckabee thought it would be a good idea to say that Obama was “marching the Israelis to the door of the oven.” It was not. And yet, despite all evidence to the contrary, Mike Huckabee is standing by his Holocaust reference—and, according to him and only him, the Jews are loving it.

On Sunday, Rick Perry attempted to stand out from the (already spectacularly incompetent) pool of GOP hopefuls with one of the dumbest responses to the Lafayette shooting yet. In an interview with CNN, the Texas governor said that “it makes a lot of sense” to allow more people to carry guns into gun-free zones like movie theaters.

Failed Sharper Image meat peddler and godsend to the Republican primaries Donald Trump is sad. The reason Donald Trump is sad is because the largest newspaper in Iowa recently called him both a “bloviating side show” and a “feckless blowhard.” So Trump is doing the only sensible thing: Banning the newspaper entirely.

Jeb Bush’s ill-advised comment yesterday that “people need to work longer hours” not only shows the outlandish nature of his promise of 4% economic growth, it will also push even supportive voters towards his opponents—after all, no one wants people to work longer hours more than Scott Walker.

Part-time softballer and full-time Springsteen fan Chris Christie is running for president, he announced to supporters today, making him the 14th Republican candidate to enter the 2016 race. According to a recent poll, Christie commands the support of just four percent of Republican-leaning voters—putting him well out of reach of the leaderboard and two whole points behind some guy named “Rand.”

Surprise! Experienced exorcist and current Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal is running for President. Now, some candidates’ announcement videos may focus on things like production, a candidates’ values, and actors who have consented to being filmed—but Bobby Jindal isn’t like other candidates. Instead, here’s a video he took of his children with a camera he hid in tree.

According to NBC News, Louisiana’s Republican Governor Bobby Jindal will be making “a major announcement” about his 2016 plans later this month. Which—barring an declaration that he seeks to abolish the federal government and name himself Jindalator Supreme—means that he, too, is likely running for president.

New Jersey Governor and snack gourmand Chris Christie stopped by the key primary state of New Hampshire today. At which point, Christie called for a major boost in military funding. But don’t fret over what this means for NSA snooping, because according to the bridge bandit himself, “All these fears are baloney.”

South Carolina Senator and sentient mint julep Lindsey Graham is busy running around hinting coyly at a “big announcement” he has coming up on June 1. But he managed to find some time to let a group of Iowa republicans know that, should any of them even think about joining ISIS, Lindsey Graham will find them, and he will kill them.

Finally, a whole four days after he first said that yes, he would have gone into Iraq, then said he misheard the question, and then said the question is mean to our troops, Jeb Bush has finally given us a definitive(-ish?) answer: Knowing what we know today, Jeb Bush would not have authorized an invasion in Iraq. Probably.

On the campaign trail, absolutely everything you say is fair game—which is why both parties will send trackers to record the competition’s every move. And how do you swat these camera-toting pests? For Rand Paul’s camp, the answer is apparently a drawn-out, tender loving lick.

Chris Christie, the presumed presidential candidate and jet-setting freeloader currently in charge of New Jersey, spent a staggering $82,594 of taxpayer money on snacks at MetLife Stadium during NFL games, according to a report by WatchDog.org.