South Carolina Senator and anthropomorphized seersucker suit Lindsey Graham will reportedly be announcing his bid for the presidency on June 1. He will be joining the 753 other Republican candidates currently in the running.

Isn’t life terrible? Obama’s in office, gays are getting married, and humanity has just generally lost its way. All of this comes with a whole slew of exciting punishments, since the End is nigh. And presidential candidate Mick Huckabee can’t wait.

Mike Huckabee just took the stage with Tony Orlando and a bizarre number of children to officially announce his (second) bid for the Republican nomination. And the circus grows.

Former Hewlett-Packard chief exec Carly Fiorina and retired Johns Hopkins neurosurgeon (and idiot) Ben Carson have officially joined the 2016 presidential race. They’re up against Senators Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Rand Paul for the GOP nomination.

The military is not about to take over the Southwestern United States. No one’s building underground tunnels to connect various Walmarts. Texas is not erecting a series of FEMA death camps. And we’re not about to enter the age of martial law in America. But! Just in case—Rand Paul is on it.

Earlier today, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders announced that he’ll be Hillary Clinton’s first official contender in the Democratic primaries. He’s almost certainly not going to win, of course, but he’s not running to win: He’s running to make Hillary Clinton’s apparently inevitable ascension more interesting.

Sen. Rand Paul officially announced his candidacy for president this morning in a statement on his webpage. “I am running for president to return our country to the principles of liberty and limited government,” he wrote.

As the 2016 presidential election draws closer, America's political press corps is warming up for what they do best: drone on about nothing of consequence.

Asked about the prospect of running for the presidency, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, America's last populist, said very clearly on the Today show this morning "No. I'm not running and I'm not going to run." Is she going to run?

"Too Many Cooks," the sitcom-intro spoof that destroyed America's brains back in November, worked so well because of its spot-on parody of several TV genres, which went uncomfortably long and then glitched out into brilliant, unexpected madness. CNN just tried to do their own version, mocking(?) the 2016 election. Why?

"I'm more Jewish than you think I am," Gov. Rick Perry (R-Texas) tells the New York Times Magazine. "I read the part of the Bible that said the Jews are God's chosen people." This works in much the same way that reading Atlas Shrugged makes railroad tycoons of us all.

Chris Christie wants your pity. He is just a poor humble ex-investigative attorney and strongarm governor who had no idea his closest advisors planned a four-day traffic jam for political retribution, because, geez, he asked everyone if they were involved, and they said no, and man, that makes him "sad."

New polling data suggests New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie may have exactly what it takes for a Republican to be elected president: Democrats like him more than Republicans do.

Now that President Obama has been reelected, we can focus on more important things like the 2016 presidential race. The big question on everyone's mind right now is whether or not Hillary Clinton will run in the next election. She told Obama a long time ago that she would not return to serve as Secretary of State in the President's second term. So what is a former first lady and Senator to do with a bunch of time off?

Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley is already campaigning for the 2016 presidential election. Earlier today, O'Malley gave a 20-minute speech at Iowa Senator Tom Harkin's annual steak fry in Indianola. A steak fry is, apparently, an event where steak is fried and politicians give speeches.