Late-night talks between Illuminatis and Reptilians over Europe's debt crisis resulted in a "three-pronged deal" that will likely avert complete catastrophe: Banks will accept a 50 percent loss and raise more capital, while the eurozone will increase its bailout fund.

That Starbucks harbors classist attitudes against hard-working hobos and even harder-working Starbucks employees has been well-documented. Now a French anti-racism group has accused the universally beloved coffee chain of decorating its outlets in France with anti-pickpocketing posters that "targeted a minority."

The ever health-conscious French have placed ketchup on the guillotine and they aren't looking back. The beloved all-American condiment has been banned from school and college cafeterias throughout France, with one very crucial exception: when it accompanies French fries.

Danish dunderhead and director of occasionally great films Lars von Trier says he's being investigated by French authorities for saying (jokingly) that he's a Nazi. (The video is here.)

The folks at British Pathé have just posted this video, filmed in Paris in 1949, in which the (unionized) members of Monsieur Roberts' Tame Flea Circus fleas pull miniature cars and bicycles, lift weights, and cause a whole roomful of people to scratch themselves. Also, a man arranges a bunch of car-carrying fleas on his arm into a traffic formation. Considering how bloodthirsty fleas usually are, this is way more daring than any of the circus tricks.

We take a break from tonight's badger-eaten-sex-dwarf news to bring you this story out of France: An explosion on Monday afternoon at the Centraco nuclear waste processing plant has killed one and injured four. The fatality was burned so badly that "his body was carbonized," DC Bureau reports.

World-class "rutting chimpanzee" and ex-IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn was questioned by French police today over rape allegations involving journalist Tristane Banon in 2003. Apparently DSK asked to be interviewed as a "witness." [Guardian]

Former Dior designer John Galliano, who was tried in Paris for two incidents at the same bar where he called people "dirty Jews," was found guilty of hate speech. His only punishment seems to be losing his job, besmirching his name, and being ridiculed in the press.

It's bad enough when your wife divorces you over a lack of sex and the judge rules you "solely responsible." It's worse when she takes you back to court two years later and garners 10,000 euro in damages.

Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn arrived in Paris "smiling and waving" on Sunday morning, returning home for the first time since he was accused of sexually assaulting a hotel maid. In France, he faces charges of attempted rape. [NYDN]

Is there any kind of crime better than the crime you can imagine being committed by a good-looking and diverse team of criminals cracking stilted jokes on, say, USA or TNT? No, there is not! And so it is with the "Sleeping Gas Bandits":

The insufferable Bernard-Henri Lévy has a new piece of self-congratulatory garbage up on the Daily Beast, in which he pats himself on the back for personally liberating Libya from the clutches of Col. Muammar Qaddafi, because in BHL's world, the Other can't do shit without the white man. Okay, first let's give credit where credit is due: BHL keeps Nicolas Sarkozy's testicles in a glass jar on his desk, and he pushed the French president to act militarily on behalf of the rebels in Libya. But the headline for BHL's ode to himself says it all — 'Victorious Return to Libya'. Here, he arrives in Tripoli's Green Square to the delight of 6.5 million Libyans and feigns respect in his victory speech to the masses:

Accused rapist/flasher Dominique Strauss-Kahn, "the great seducer" who was once in charge of extorting developing countries for the International Monetary Fund, could be free to return to France as soon as today if, as expected, sexual assault charges against him are formally dismissed by a judge in New York.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former International Monetary Fund chief and living Pepé Le Pew instantiation who was arrested last May for raping a hotel maid, will see the charges against him formally dropped tomorrow, according to his accuser's lawyer.

Do you live in Paris and frequently stumble out of bars at 2AM with a craving for a bite of baguette? If so, you'll be totally psyched to learn that French baker Jean-Louis Hecht recently installed two bread-dispensing vending machines outside his boulangeries. Yes, that's right: For just one euro (and a bit of dignity), you can now enjoy a warm loaf of French bread 24/7. [via Grub Street]

Nafissatou Diallo, the hotel maid who says disgraced French politician Dominique Strauss-Kahn raped her, launched a civil lawsuit today.

To prove just how rich and famous and European she is, Kate Moss is currently on vacation in the south of France and jumped off a yacht—topless. Over there, it's nothing major, but in puritanical America this is horribly scandalous. Toplessness! In public! How dare you!

While Happy Meals are getting ever-so-slightly healthier with the token addition of apple slices and milk, over in France, McDonald's restaurants are operating on another culinary plane entirely.

French politician Aurelie Filippetti reportedly told police that she never visited supposed sex-binger Dominique Strauss-Kahn at his Parisian apartment because people warned her that the ex-IMF chief maybe attacked women there. Did she actually call DSK's place a "sex den," though?

Happy Bastille Day! For those of you who don't know, Bastille Day is the French ripoff of July 4th, but they hold it 10 days later so they can pretend like it's their own special thing. That's so like France! Anyway, today we're declaring our independence from these awful French things.