Today's Daily Candy installment flacks for a giant game of water-gun Assassin, sure to be popular in Williamsburg and almost nowhere else, that's coming to the city next week. This raises many good questions, but the one a Candy reader emails to ask is:

Ladies and Gays, start your libidos: The 2006 firefighters calendar goes on sale today, featuring 13 of New York's finest specimens. If the fire in your pants is completely intolerable, you can even go stalk the Calendar of Heroes' Beefy McBeefcakes in Times Square, where they'll be autographing your already-sticky copies from 11-3. All money raised by the calendar's sales go to the nonprofit FDNY Fire Safety Education Fund — which means, for once, your financial investment in spank material will go to a very good cause.

The prep-loving homos are getting restless. "I need closure to the question surrounding the identity of our favorite 23 year old aristocrat from CL," begged an e-mail from West Chelsea, with what we heard in our head as those verbal italics. "Please oblige."

jessicagawker: Hi! Sorry to bother; I'm sure you're still drunk after last night's revelry.
jessicagawker: John G. Roberts, Jr. is soooooo cute, right?!
jessicagawker: Seriously, you must be thrilled. He's like a conservative John Edwards — you couldn't ask for more.
jessicagawker: Oh, lighten up. I'm not suggesting that you touch yourself when you post pictures of him. I'm just making girl talk.
jessicagawker: Oooh! You've put up pictures of soldiers again — and they're Chinese? You're definitely worked up about something.

• Sadly, the thought of do-anything writer A.J. Jacobs' penning something entitled The Ark Project: How many pairs of animals can I fill my house with before my wife divorces me? isn't too far-fetched. [Zulkey]
• No hand-eye coordination? You're so, so gay. [Salon]
• TV news seems to think the internet may save them. Also, it's Opposite Day! [WSJ]
• You know what we need? Another cheesy, thematic nightclub. Something like Roulette sounds like a good start. [Joonblog]
• Another 7-11 plans an UES invasion. Time for last rites of the cheap-ass bodega. [Jossip]

An alert and horny reader pointed us to this Craigslist post, suggesting that perhaps Fabian "Some of My Best Friends Are Negroes" Basabe had placed a personal in the m4m section. We're pretty sure it's not Basabe's — the poster says he's 23 and blond-haired; Basabe is 27 and and a brunette — but, still, it's an intriguing ad.

Star Jones is the first and only woman to get that close to Al Reynold's lap.