Fucking fuck shit cock shit piss Gordon Ramsay dick shite taint scrotum ballsack tits scapula is selling pubic hair damn darn his Parisian restaurant wieners shits. Is this the end of him? Poopie poop poop.

• Rumor has it Iacopo Falai is in "early talks" to open up a space inside Andre Balazs's new Standard Hotel in the meatpacking district. [Eater]
• Chocolate Bar will reopen in a new West Village location on April 28. [NYO]
• The price of certain French cheeses quadruples on March 22. Ouch! [TONY]
• Tim and Nina Zagat are launching a new food website. And The Atlantic is launching a new food "channel" tomorrow. [GS, AdAge]
• Korean food is taking over America, apparently. [WSJ]
• Sign 'o the times: Arby's first Brooklyn outpost is opening in the landmarked space formerly occupied by steakhouse Gage & Tollner. [NYDN]
• Chefs Daniel Boulud, Floyd Cardoz, and Marco Canora discuss the biz. [GS]
• Matt Oliver, doorman at M2 and brunch at Merkato 55, chats nightlife. [BB]
• Bourdain on Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares: "It's a circus of cruelty, like shooting fish in a barrel with a cut-down 12-gauge shotgun. There's no cooking. It's just a bunch of dimwits—the lame, the halt and the delusional." [EMD]

• A roundup of restaurants that may close in the near future if you don't do your part and patronize them. Like soon. Thanks for your cooperation. [CS]
• One thing to look forward at Keith McNally's revamped Minetta Tavern: A $26 Black Label burger that doesn't even come with fries. For shame! [TONY]
• Frank Bruni's thoughts on tipping: Never give less than 15% unless the service is "unequivocally dismal," but 17-18% if it's "above-average." [NYT]
• Speaking of tipping, ABC News's roundup of crappy celebrity tippers includes Madonna, Mariah, Gwyneth, and sushi addict Jeremy Piven. [ABC News]
• Tahini on Third Avenue has been closed by the Department of Health. [DBTH]
• Gordon Ramsay is having some money trouble, just so you know. [Gawker]
• Despite what the Times reported three weeks ago, going out to pricey lunches at places like Michael's and the Four Seasons is chic again. Yay. [AdAge]

Give Gordon Ramsay money now, prats! The John McCain of food continues to bring the awesome on cooking reality shows. But he is severely impaired when it comes to bringing the money, to banks.

• It seems Rihanna and Chris Brown have reunited: The two have been holed up at Diddy's Star Island mansion since late last week and are now "focusing on a reconciliation." Not surprisingly, fans have been a little bit dismayed by the news. [NYDN, People, Reuters]
• Why didn't Katie Holmes walk the red carpet at the Oscars? She's on an "intense detox diet" that has left her "lethargic," poor thing. [NYDN]
• Sumner Redstone is reportedly dating a former flight attendant who is six decades his junior. [R&M]

• Fat Hippo has opened in the space that used to house 71 Clinton. [GS]
• The Times's Frank Bruni gives out two stars today to April Bloomfield and Ken Friedman's "putatively British" John Dory. [NYT]
• A number of struggling restaurants are planning to stay open until just after they "make their nut" on Valentine's Day. [NYO]
• There was an electrical fire at 10 Downing last night. [Eater]
• Some genius is trying to open a "ping pong social club." Todd Oldham is designing it and it will be sponsored by Fred Perry. [NYO]
• Please refrain from calling Gordon Ramsay a "cook." He's a chef. [EMD]

Could stress and anxiety over the state of the economy explain why so many celebrity chefs are getting a bit belligerent as of late? Anthony Bourdain went out of his way to launch a verbal assault on Alice Waters recently. And the war between Mario Batali and Gordon Ramsay has been heating up in recent days, too. Apparently, Batali made some critical comments about the Hell's Kitchen star more than a year ago, a move that prompted Ramsay to start calling Batali "fanta pants" in honor of the orange shorts he's long been fond of.

Thank goodness Paris Hilton's nascent presidential campaign never took off: not only would she have worn Kitson to all the presidential balls, but she thinks the British prime minister is someone else entirely.

• Why isn't your glass of water getting refilled? It might be because the restaurant decided to slash costs by firing all the busboys. [WSJ]
• E.U. in the EV is no more; a trattoria is set to take its place by March. [Eater]
• Jean-Georges Vongerichten now says he won't be taking over the Ago space inside Robert De Niro's Greenwich Hotel after all. [DBTH]
• Is Momofuku Milk Bar turning into an actual bar? That's the rumor. [TFB]
• Tom Colicchio and Damon Wise are expanding their discount menu. [Eater]
• Scott Conant will be the guest judge on tomorrow's Top Chef. [GS]
• Gordon Ramsay hasn't been banned from Mario Batali's restaurants. [GS]
• Chef Gabrielle Hamilton has inked a book deal with Random House. [EMD]

• Armin Amiri's Socialista is closing for good, and Giuseppe Cipriani, of course, is partly to blame. [Page Six]
• Everything you missed at yesterday's porkfest, Cochon 555. [Eater, TFB]
• Masa Matsushita has returned to Matsugen for the next three months. [JGV]
• Tim Zagat chats with the Post about Restaurant Week. [NYP]
• Adam Platt gives two stars apiece to 10 Downing and West Branch. [NYM]
• Wass Stevens has landed himself a role in a BlackBerry commercial. [GS]
• More bad news for chef Gordon Ramsay: His empire is supposedly "crumbling," and he's also been banned from Mario Batali's restaurants for calling him "fanta pants." [NYP, Guardian]

• Alex Rodriguez said he isn't shagging Madonna. Sure. He's just hanging in Miami, Mexico City and Brazil with her, platonically, and maybe buying an apartment with her, platonically, and meeting secretly with her in restaurants, as friends. He also denied riding on a private jet with Madonna, so I guess this is supposed to be someone else who was photographed with her?

♦ People got Alex Rodriguez to open up about his relationship with Madonna. Or, you know, maybe not. The slugger claims that they're just "friends—that's it." He also says he's never been on a plane with her, despite the countless photos that clearly indicate otherwise. [People]
♦ Have Tea Leoni and David Duchovny reunited? Star reports they were spotted holding hands at a Tasti D-Lite on the Upper East Side and they've picked up a $7.5 million apartment in the East 70s. [Star]
♦ It looks like Harvey Weinstein and Scott Rudin may have buried the hatchet after Harvey publicly thanked Scott at the premiere of The Reader on Wednesday night. [P6]
♦ A London jury has found Boy George guilty of false imprisonment for having handcuffed a Norwegian male escort to a wall. [People]

♦ It's the question that has been keeping you up for days now: Where is Alex Rodriguez going to spend Thanksgiving? First it was reported that A-Rod planned to stay in New York. Now People now says he plans to have dinner with his ex-wife and their two kids in Florida. But Madonna is on the scene, too! Maybe in the spirit of the holiday, they'll all just join together and be thankful for what they have? Kidding! [People, TMZ]
♦ The parents of Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal are broke, apparently. [P6]
♦ Did Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really get married in Mexico or was it just an elaborate publicity stunt? [AP]

♦ Amy Winehouse's loving, supporting marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil appears to be over. Now free from police custody, Blake appears to have taken up with a German model named Sophie Schandorff, which means Amy will have to find someone else to fulfill her sex fanatasiesd described as "too gross" to "mention in a newspaper." [P6, NOTW]
♦ Chef Gordon Ramsay has been carrying on an affair with "Britain's most famous mistress" for the past seven years. Allegedly. [NYP]
♦ Michael Jackson and the sheik who sued him last week for $7 million have a reached a settlement. [NYDN]

• Anna Wintour's daughter Bee Shaffer, the aspiring journalist, is graduating from Columbia in May and is "really nervous about the fact nobody's hiring right now." If she gets desperate she could take one of those awful personal assistant jobs working for a magazine editor. (She won't get desperate.) [NYM]

Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock is 38 today. Joni Mitchell is 65. Reverend Billy Graham is 90. General David Petraeus is turning 56. Former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight turns 51. Lost star Yunjin Kim is 35. Interior designer John Barman is 59. And twin actors Jeremy and Jason London are 36. Weekend birthdays after the jump.

♦ The NYC Wine & Food Festival came to town this past weekend and just about every chef, foodie, and critic was on hand. Among the highlights: Rachael Ray hosted a Burger Bash on Friday (Katie Lee Joel took first prize); Tom Colicchio broke out his guitar and later chatted with Eater about his upcoming plans; Ferran Adria took the stage with Anthony Bourdain and Eric Asimov; Gordon Ramsay vented; Rocco DiSpirito showed off his dancing skills; Bobby Flay mentioned his plans to re-open Bolo; Scott Conant talked about his upcoming eatery in Miami; Marco Maccioni gave details on the restaurant he has planned for the Beekman Hotel; and everyone in attendance generally ate and drank way too much. More here and here.

New York restaurateurs may be panicked about the economy, but all is well in Qatar! This week it was reported that the Four Seasons in Doha will be home to the latest incarnation of Nobu. (A Dubai outpost opened earlier this month.) Gordon Ramsay is supposedly looking at two different sites in town for an eatery he has planned. And when Doha's new W Hotel opens in a couple of months, Jean-Georges Vongerichten's Spice Market will be located in the lobby. Less exciting news, at least as far as New Yorkers are concerned: "Bollywood legend" Asha Bhosle has also opened a high-profile restaurant in Doha, and a branch of the Hard Rock Café is coming, too. [The Penninsula via Luxist]

♦ A very modest Daniel Boulud says his restaurant on the Bowery will be "the greatest diner on earth." [NYP]
♦ Serge Becker's new Swiss restaurant, Cafe Select, is finally open to the public, albeit only for lunch for the moment. [Eater]
♦ Frank Bruni says he doesn't understand the concept of bottle service. This might have something to do with the fact that he's 43. [NYT]
♦ Apparently you can find some decent food in Little Italy. [Metromix]
♦ Photos from Little Italy's festival of San Gennaro. [GoaG]
♦ Marco Pierre White thinks fellow Brit chef Gordon Ramsay is boring and only interested in money. [NY Sun]
♦ A round-up of the best bagels in New York. [VV via Eater]
♦ Alaskans really do eat moose meat. They serve it as steak, make it into hamburger meat, and even use it as a pizza topping. Yum. [NYT]

• The premiere of Saturday Night Live with Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin and Michael Phelps as guest host generated the show's best season debut since 2001. [THR]