All relationships are "complicated," Facebook: Heidi Montag can't sell pictures of her stupid re-wedding, so why bother; Miley Cyrus is sheepishly two-timing and LiLo and SamRo restored a tenuous digital connection.

The spring has everyone lovestruck: Freida Pinto hooked up with a Slumdog co-star, Lindsay Lohan yearned for Samantha Ronson and Condoleeza Rice had a non-date date with a musician.

Rihanna and Chris Brown might be at the same party in the same room at the same time; Lindsay Lohan brazenly spent hours in the company of males. What does it all mean?

You have to admire a renaissance basketcase: Lindsay Lohan is thinking of dancing topless, Michelle Rodriguez advised a male stripper and Mel Gibson's lady friend is also a sort of paper blogger.

More bad news for Kelly Bensimon. A socialite gets engaged, and an actress turns 30. Plus the requisite Jennifer Aniston sadness news and word of Madonna's continued disgraces.

Madonna has had a terrible riding accident and is recuperating in the Hamptons. Other celebrities have done things too, but not horse-related things.

Today I'm mad at everything. Paul Newman's a drunk, Jennifer Garner's old, Andy Roddick's married, Emmy Rossum is a complete idiot, and Sarah Palin apparently had people "managing" her snow machine accident of a campaign.

Kevin Spacey can't go shoe shopping without hanging out in secret back rooms; Madonna can't get rid of her boy toy and Gwyneth Paltrow can't keep secrets.

There there, celebrity magazine editors: While Lindsay Lohan's rehab would slow the flow of gossip considerable, you could recoup your losses several times over with a Jennifer Aniston-David Schwimmer baby cover.

Jamie Foxx regrets wishing chlamydia on Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears wishes she'd never met that creep from rehab at Subway. But Hulk Hogan doesn't have to regret "totally understand[ing]" OJ Simpson.

Rihanna and Chris Brown are each swearing off tattoo parlors; Neal Boulton is swearing off booze and Jessica Simpson is swearing off everything John Mayer ever told her.

Madonna and Jolie want more babies, tennis players are lesbians, American Girls: Changes for Whitney, Miley Cyrus is a literary scholar, and Chris Brown is dating again. Shame.

So wrong: While Billy Joel wonders if his third wife is cheating, and Bruce Springsteen's wife ponders whether he destroyed a marriage, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt prepare for a second blissful wedding.

It's all relative: Madonna's way less grounded than her ex; Vancouverites are higher than Britney Spears; Tina Fey is as folksy as her neighbor; and Michael Phelps isn't quite the drunkest clubber.

Madonna banished the children she has to focus on feeling terrible about the one she can't have. Paris Hilton, meanwhile, now has what she couldn't, so who knows if she'll want it much longer.

Farewell, last season's Suri Cruise fashions. Goodbye, Amy Winehouse's bathing suit. Adieu, humanoid version of Lauren Conrad. And so long, LiLo and SamRon's fairytale romance.

People get married more than once, and they also break up more than once. Country music and poop go together like Gary Coleman and movies about little people. Plus news of the Real Housewives.

Every unhappy family is dysfunctional in its own way: J. Lo is ambivalent about more Marc Anthony babies; MSNBC kids are jealous of their new sibling and Madonna's adoption was thwarted.

New beginnings can be heartbreaking: John Mayer's new breakup song sounds ridiculous and transparent, but Paris Hilton's brother's new life plan is even worse. Way worse.

Everyone's for sale: Dennis Rodman's wife will do your show for a beauty school scholarship; Rihanna will do your show if Chris Brown grovels and Ashley Biden's friend will sell her out on spec.