Justice is served on Tuesdays, apparently: Madonna must convince a Malawi judge she's not an impulsive, Godless witch; clubs are finally willing to discipline bankers; and Rihanna will help prosecutors, they hope.
Mickey Rourke dates strange ladies, Frankie Delgado is a jerk, and so much celebrity-baby news that you might just never want to have a baby yourself, thus ending the human race. And on a Monday!
People are planning for Liz Taylor's death, if only because of they were caught so thoroughly unawares by Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson's reported marriage problems and Nadya Suleman being called a horrid mom.
Mid-week, everyone needs to freshen up. Barbara Walters craves a clean break from ABC, reportedly; Robert Pattinson needs a shower and Bruce Willis might never be able to wash off the slime.
Spring is so romantic: Hugh Grant is making out with random pairs of women again, Rihanna is being wooed by Fez from That '70s Show and Britney Spears rekindled an old affair with Twinkies.
Because they're lesbians. No, seriously, that is why both the famous actress and the famous photographer are FLAT BROKE. Because of godless girl-love. Also, Matt Lauer ran into a deer.
A day for relationship regrets: The author of The Manny is losing her husband-y; Madonna's pet model realized she's a control freak; and Rihanna's many regrets supposedly include a sex tape.
It's hard being a celebrity: James Franco is getting mobbed by fellow students at Columbia; presumably the coeds will never provoke from him the sort of battery Kanye West allegedly inflicted on his oglers.
Making the best of it: LeAnn Rimes' husband wasn't there to get her through cold Orange County nights, so she strayed; Nadya Suleman had to settle for just two of her eight babies.
These days, ruined neocon actors scrounge for roles while Nancy Pelosi sings hippie drug songs in respected theaters and the liberal media elites run off to Canada to fornicate in public.
Sunday morning brings the dawn in. I've got a restless feeling by my side. Oh, halo. It's the tabloids! Today, Lauren Conrad makes some unwise choices and Mr. Lohan makes an unwanted appearance. Read on.
It's technically shabbos but the gossip wheels keep churning. No rest for the weary, I suppose. Up next: broken hearts, broken contracts, broken skin and the return of demon Zoe.
It's Friday, how about some reconciliation? Lindsay Lohan finally resolved that little problem of being photographed in someone else's missing fur coat, and Chris Brown and Rihanna completed an inspiring duet.
Bad couple day: Robert Pattinson's Tina Fey lust would be inappropriate, except she started it; there's a conspiracy against the Rihanna-Chris Brown reunion; and John Mayer maybe dumped Jennifer Aniston.
Nadya Suleman might consider her decision to have octuplets "irrational," but she's still totally going to sell the birth video. Maybe Ashley Dupre can teach her how to meditate amid 14 screaming kids.
