John Mayer went out on Saturday night and raised the bar on celebrity cheesedickery, David Cross and Amber Tamblyn are making out in public all over East Village, and Fergie admits to being bi-sexual.

Shia LaBeouf codifies a Jewish stereotype, Broadway still hates Jeremy Piven, Larry King lives on despite being 132 and not having Carrie Prejean on his show, and Alicia Keys is dating some rapper guy.

Kelly Bensimon comes to the stark realization that she was on a reality TV show, a Vogue intern gets a stripper's digits, and Brittney's still getting her cashflow juiced by everyone.

Some guy shamed himself in a restaurant to try to get Jennifer Aniston back, Criss Angel is going around stealing cats all over Las Vegas, and Kate Gosselin is most definitely boning her bodyguard.

Tom Hanks' sex scenes were cut from Angels & Demons, Olivia Palermo joins Elle, and John Mayer tries to get girls to sleep with him by text messaging "I want to tuck you in."

LA police, responding to an alarm at Lindsay Lohan's home, thought the house had been "ransacked," when in fact it was merely the dwelling of a slob. George Clooney parties like an fratty ibanker.

More Carrie Prejean topless photos have emerged, real topless photos, Bob Barker and Betty White are about to kill each other over an elephant, and Nick Cannon is sick of Eminem talking about Mariah.

Meghan McCain and Luke Russert act like bratty kids, Jimmy Fallon gets his college diploma, Lily Allen gets herself banned from the BBC for "using rude words," and Ryan O'Neal allegedly phone-sexes while Farrah dies.

Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate is blessed with bisexual rocker-dom; Lindsay Lohan's sister has been baptized into mega-decauchery; and Mel Gibson's family will be born into sin.

Barbara Walters can't remember which, uh, presidents have been on The View; Oprah Winfrey can't work a BlackBerry and Jennifer Aniston can't talk to Bradley Cooper without whispers and chest-touching.

Rihanna probably doesn't care that her outfit made people wonder if she's lesbian and Kiefer Sutherand is unrepentant about attacking a designer at SubMercer. But Kirstie Alley is ashamed of her 83 new pounds.

George Clooney says you shouldn't listen to those disgruntled waitresses; Courtney Cox isn't listening to the Brad Pitt haters and David Hasselhoff doesn't want anyone listening to his daughter and ex-wife.

No one is attending this party tonight except everyone. Plus: John Mayer is single and Maggie Gyllenhaal isn't. And lots of people from the '90s are still totally relevant!

Stars and models and waitresses seek to salvage or repair their slutty reputations. Starring: John Mayer! Tina Brown! Lindsay Lohan! AND one lucky Waitress.

It's Saturday morning and the coffee just kicked in. Hello and welcome to Gossip Roundup. Today, Valentino called Anna Wintour a dog, England called Susan Boyle pizza face and Scarlett Johanssen experienced rejection.

Miley Cyrus is confused by Perez Hilton; Nadya Suleman is confused about just how many beings she wants; and Mel Gibson's mistress doesn't understand why boozy adultery didn't lead to more.

Sean Penn and Rihanna are in the midst of breakups; Elizabeth Edwards is reflecting on her awful near breakup and Kelly McGillis found out she's lesbian after two marriages.

Moby took a pathetic fall while boxing and Susan Boyle was dissed by snotty book publishers. But Matthew Broderick can take pride in impregnating a woman other than his wife. Just this once.

Lindsay Lohan is scared of food, Brad Pitt is scared of his ex-bodyguard and New York models are frightened and jealous of Jesus Luz.

News of Kate Winslet's butt, and of Heidi and Spencer's wedding. Which are sort of the same thing. Madonna welcomes Jesus into her heart, while Jamie Lynn Spears' boyfriend almost made it.