We were enjoying a perfectly nice story about Andy Dick rampaging through a swag suite at the upfronts when we were suddenly overtaken by the urge to push away from the computer and head to the Beverly Center. From JV NY Daily News gossip Lloyd Grove (who's really caught fire the last two days):

With four series pick-ups for the Fall joining his six series already on the air (which adds up to something like 43 total shows), superproducer Jerry Bruckheimer has made your television-watching eyeballs his bitch. But even after his domination of the primetime airwaves, Bruckheimer's noble mission hasn't changed:

· ...Or you could just skip Chaotic and see Britney Spears' entire life condensed into a three minute song parody.
· "Did we imply that Joey sucks? No, no, it doesn't suck! It's got a core audience, it isn't broken, Matt LeBlanc is a fine...sigh. OK, it sucks. You happy? We said it."
· Wilmer Valderrama is starting his own clothing line, proving that not being smart enough to tie your shoes is no barrier to becoming a designer. [via EOTM]
· Britney Spears appeared on Ellen, but the talk show host was unable to persuade the pop star to sell her the baby in her womb.

In an attempt to avoid another Spiegel-type ambush and resulting public relations disaster, Tom Cruise recently invited a magazine writer for a private tour of the Scientology mothership, where burly "answer techs" might help the star address potentially pointed questions about his religion. From today's Page Six:

NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove breaks the biggest story from Cannes: Hayden "Darth Vader" Christensen was spotted in "full canoodle" with Eva "Ask Me About My JC Chasez Tattoo" Longoria.

We're going to level with you. It's taking us a lot longer than usual to shake out of our week-starting funk. That's right, we had a case of the Mondays (if you press your ear to the monitor, you can almost hear our Care Bears crying). But that's all over now. We poured ourselves a tall, cold glass of Robert Evans' swingin' blog-prose, everything is all better now. Pull a chair up to the waterbed and listen as Evans regales us with a story of his sexy sit-down with porno auteur Andrew Blake, will you?

The Dude. Man. Phat. blog hears Lindsay Lohan possibly breaking some career news on local LA radio station KIIS FM:

We noticed this raging debate on the tabloid racks while buying our Sunday morning bottle of Mad Dog.
Why does US Weekly insist on tearing asunder what In Touch and Oprah are trying so hard to build?

The Lindsay Lohan Damage Control Party Machine lurched to life in the pages of the LAT this weekend, in the form of a long profile that desperately tries to counteract the bad publicity that doggedly follows the one-woman "pop culture brand" like a dirty old man clutching a bottle of Cristal and an eightball. Lohan seems very well-coached by her publicists, as she nails all the "I swear I'm not so out of control that you shouldn't trust your $50 million movie to me" talking points: I want to do more adult roles...I've cut down on the partying...I'm a professional...if I look tired all the time, it's because I work TOO hard...I'm just a regular girl!:

Nothing melts the little lump of charcoal where our hearts used to be like a press release announcing an old-fashioned celebrity adoption. Click the image to see a larger version that won't induce cataracts quite so quickly.

The You Can't Make It Up blog features a report from the 2005 Reebok Human Rights Awards, where a certain globe-trotting A-list actress proved that when she isn't whitewater rafting down the Amazon with Dax Shepherd to raise awareness about the destruction of the rain forests, she's always available to lend her estimable improv skills to help out with a good cause:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are determined to prove that this publicity stunt of theirs is not all transparently staged, uncomfortable tonsil-hockey sessions on the world's red carpets. There are career moves to consider! Their publicists are working overtime to make sure the gossip sheets stay well-stocked with reports about their relationship and upcoming projects:

Nothing that happens for the rest of the day can hurt us. From Craigslist Capetown's "Missed Connections":

· Scarlett Johansson says she's not Woody Allen's new muse. Perhaps she's afraid that Allen will steal away their adopted daughter and enter into a taboo sexual relationship with her. Hey, there are crazier things to be afraid of.
· Renny Harlin, by the numbers. And the numbers ain't pretty.
· Brad Pitt totally says stuff about women whom have had his penis inside them.
· Crash, Crash, Kicking and Screaming, and Kicking & Screaming: it only seems like there are only two movie titles left.

Earlier, we speculated about Michael Jackson's defense team's new two-pronged, "madness or monkey-molester" acquittal strategy. Have their canny tactics forced the prosecution to step up their game by running banner ads on E!'s website designed to entrap Jackson with an irresistible, eight-hour "pajama party" with two of his former child actor playmates? The legal chess match continues.

Your guesses are in. Once again, we must admire your enthusiasm for offering opinions in matters of same-sex celebrity liaisons. Reheat One Predictable Blind Vice:

The Michael Jackson defense team's strategy is finally coming into focus. They're either going to make sure the jury believes that he is completely, scrawling-the-lyrics-to-"Wanna Be Startin' Something" on-the-walls-of-Neverland Ranch-with-his-own-feces insane, or, failing that (it's looking good, though), establishing that any of the higher primates around the house were capable of molesting prepubescent boys. Hey, if they can grip a feather duster and flush a toilet...

Wherein we invite our readers to put on their comically oversized rubber pants and wade into humpy E! gossip columnist Ted Casablanca's creek and use their bare hands to grab hold of the the blind item fish he's stocked there. This week, a cheating husband is unknowingly being cuckolded by his secretly Sapphic spouse. (Oh, the joys of alliteration!) Feel the burn of One Predictable Blind Vice:

The AP reports that Lindsay Lohan is going to host SNL's season finale, her second turn fronting the show. Something tells us that this time around there aren't going to be so many self-conscious jokes about her sudden "blossoming." And we really doubt that she's going to reprise her famous Harry Potter sketch with a follow-up about how Hermione lost her baby fat after a summer "relaxing" at Cedars Sinai.

Entertainment Weekly seems to have finally gotten to the bottom of the mystery of Dave Chappelle's whereabouts: