Getting an editorial job at OK! Magazine has proven to be similar to riding a merry-go-round where you get your head chopped off after one go-round. That said, we'd like to welcome OK!'s new editorial boss! We hear many things.

Sometimes a blind item comes along that is more like a Dickens novel then something out of the gossip pages. Rumors, betrayal, affairs, mistaken identity, raising another man's child—this one has it all. Enjoy, ye olde scamps.

• Did David Letterman's wife boot him out of the house because he "balked at telling her the complete truth about the female staffers he bedded"? That's what the National Enquirer has been claiming, although his spokesman says it isn't true. So maybe he's just still sleeping on the couch. [NYDN]
• Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital for the 143rd time. It was due to an "adverse reaction" she had to cold medicine. Naturally. [Mirror]
• A brawl at a club in Queens over the weekend led cops to shoot a man who once worked as a bodyguard for Jay-Z, Mariah Carey and Diddy. [NYP]
• Paris Hilton is "declaring war" on the Kardashian sisters because they're more famous than she is these days and they're earning more money, too. Paris has "hatched a plan" to return to her former perch as tabloid queen, however. It entails launching a new hair and beauty line and playing up her "more stable relationship with Doug Reinhardt." [P6]

Paul Janka! He's still stalking women and all their various "holes." A friendly tipster has been kind enough to share with us her recent encounter with America's skeeziest, most overaggressive pickup "artist." Get waxed, baby. This is gonna hurt.

Is it worse if a married star brings men or ladies into the rest room for a little nookie? Maybe an S&M loving actor or a famous lady with reconstructed ears (yes, ears!) can advise. Probably not.

• In what may be the weirdest celebrity extortion attempt ever, a German male model named Edis Kayalar has been arrested for trying to blackmail Cindy Crawford and her husband Rande Gerber with a "sexy" photo of the couple's then 7-year-old daughter "in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged." Apparently, the pic had been taking by the girl's former babysitter during an innocent game of cops and robbers and she used to date Kayalar. [NYDN, People]
• All those phone calls that Michael Lohan recorded may ultimately land him in jail (again). A 2005 protective order obtained by Dina Lohan banned him from communicating with her by email or phone until 2011. [TMZ]
• Spend enough time on Twitter and you, too, may find yourself dating a beautiful young starlet! Emmy Rossum says her relationship with Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz "began with a Tweet," believe it or not. [People]

A menage is a long way to go to keep your man. How about putting up with your husband's gay rumors, or your bandmates' pornographic proclivities? There's love and marriage, but these are some fucked up horses and carriages.

• Did you catch dethroned beauty queen Carrie Prejean's hissy fit on Larry King Live last night? It was awkward TV at its finest. [TMZ, YouTube]
• Mike Tyson had a meltdown of his own yesterday. When a paparazzo got a little too close for comfort at LAX, Tyson dropped the photog to the floor with one punch to the face. Both men were later arrested. [LAT, NYDN]
• The latest recorded phone call courtesy of Michael Lohan has Dina Lohan telling her ex that "time is running out" for Lindsay and she's started drinking again. As for how LiLo feels about having her dad air the family's dirty laundry: "My father knows nothing other than now to sell stories for money instead of getting a real job like normal people do, including myself." Lindsay is a normal person with a real job? Who'd have guessed? [Radar, MSNBC]
• Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone were supposed to get married over the summer. But it never happened and now Martone says the couple's decided to wait until after the holidays to tie the knot. "Who wants to get married during a busy season like this? I don't want my friends having to use their lunch break to get me gifts." How thoughtful! [P6]

Let's hear it for the boys. Today they are traveling so they can have DL affairs with men, sleeping with a retinue of women, and turning down work they're too "good" for. Let's give these boys a hand.

• Was Lindsay Lohan dating Heath Ledger at the time of his death? That was what came out yesterday when the latest clip from Michael Lohan's vast archive of recorded phone conversations was posted online. (Dina Lohan can be heard expressing concern that Lindsay was headed down the same path.) On tap for today? A call between Dina and Michael in which she tells her ex-husband that Lindsay has been cutting herself. [NYDN, NYP, Radar]
• Alleged David Letterman extortionist Robert "Joe" Halderman appeared in court yesterday where his lawyer asked a judge to drop all the charges against the former news producer. The reason? Halderman's $2 million demand wasn't blackmail, silly. It was a legitimate business proposal in which Letterman could have first dibs on his screenplay, naturally. [NYP, NYDN, TMZ]
• Rihanna says she put on the tightest dress she could find to pick up Glamour's Woman of the Year award on Monday night at Carnegie Hall. She also spent $50,000 flying in her mom, aunts and brothers from Barbados to join her at the event. One person who was missing from the festivities: Her dad, who RiRi recently said abused her mom while growing up. [P6, NYDN]

Curiosity may kill a cat, but it can do wonders for a friendship. Just ask these two buddies, who gave making out a try. Also experimenting are a man in Spanx and a literate Twilight star. They're the cat's meow.

• A judge has granted a temporary restraining order barring Jennifer Lopez's ex, Ojani Noa, from distributing a sex tape starring his former wife/benefactor. The order is only in effect for a day and another hearing is scheduled for today, so J. Lo's sex-filled 1997 honeymoon may still see the light of day yet. [TMZ, Reuters]
• Malaysian party boy (and clubland savior) Jho Low celebrated his 28th birthday last week at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas with "bikini-clad party girls and surrounded by caged lions and tigers." Later, he partied with Paris Hilton, Usher, and Jamie Foxx, who reportedly "gifted the birthday boy" with a red sports car for some reason. Apparently, Low is often mistaken for photographer Chance Yeh, so make sure you don't get these two mixed up. A tip: Low is one buying 120 bottles of Cristal. [P6]
• Robert "Joe" Halderman, the guy accused of trying to extort David Letterman, appears in court today and his lawyer is expected to ask the judge to dismiss some of the charges against him. How long he'll be able to afford a lawyer is unclear. He's raised $100,000 for his legal defense fund, but he was also suspended without pay by CBS recently, too. [NYP, MSNBC]
• Madonna wants to clear a few things up: Yes, she's going to Brazil, but no, it's not to meet Jesus Luz's mom. She's going "strictly for fundraising and humanitarian purposes," thank you very much. [P6]

Breaking up is hard to do, just ask this exposed gay star and his beard girlfriend or this actor who hires hookers to bitch about his wife ruining their marriage. If only we could show them all the curb.

• Are Beyoncé and Jay-Z making plans to have a baby? Perhaps. In a recent interview, Jay "let it slip that procreating is high on the duo's priority list right now." [NYDN]
• Madonna seems to be taking the next step with boyfriend Jesus Luz. She's reportedly jetting to Brazil to meet Luz's parents, including his mom who happens to be fifteen years younger than Madonna. This shouldn't be awkward at all! [Sun]
• Michael Lohan hasn't been sharing his daughter's dramatic phone calls with the world out of the goodness of his heart. He apparently first tried to sell them to various TV networks for $100,000, but ended up striking a deal with Radar, which has Gosselin giving them up for free but getting paid for an interview. Meanwhile, the latest Lohan phone call has been released. [P6, Radar]

Everyone needs something to keep them warm at night, but bodily fluids? Another singer uses a fake wife to get his rocks off, and a third is being investigated for underage sex. It's the same old song and dance.

• The Lohan family drama goes on. Another recorded phone call has been released and this one features Dina Lohan telling Lindsay's father Michael that their daughter once punched her and kicked her out of the car. Naturally, LiLo quickly responded on Twitter and called her father a whole bunch of names. And now Papa Lohan has countered by promising to release even more tapes in the days to come. So, no, this saga is not even close to over. [P6, People]
• Alec Baldwin says he has "a great ass." Please make a note of it. [Us]
• Paul Johnson-Calderon, the bow tie-wearing social gay set to appear on Tinsley Mortimer's upcoming reality show, is in trouble again. He was caught on tape snatching purses on the LES earlier this year; now he's been caught on camera vandalizing a friend's Union Square apartment building. Calderon's defense? "It's not like rock stars don't vandalize hotel rooms and such all the time." Yes, but you're not a rock star, buddy. [P6]

Messy parents make for messy kids. This leading lady put a bun in her oven so that her man wouldn't dump her, another star couple has two out-of-control monsters. What are they to do?! Think of the children.

• Madonna is reportedly "taking a more active role" in promoting boy toy Jesus Luz's career. She turned up to hear him spin at the Valentino party the other night, danced with "some hot fashion guys," mingled for a little, and then they left together. But that doesn't mean she's offered to do a song with him. "There are steps!" he said. "You can't just start out and collaborate with Madonna." He also says that he always plays her stuff because, you know, "It's great." [P6, NYDN]
• After Michael Lohan released a sob-filled phone call from Lindsay yesterday, she Twittered that her dad is "such a loser"; "those recordings are from years ago"; and "he needs the book for dummies on how to be a man." She also indicted she may ask her lawyer to file a restraining order against her dad and/or sue him. So, no hopes for a reconciliation just yet then? [TMZ, NYP, Us]
• Making matters worse, there is now another recording of LiLo chatting with her mother that's been released. [Radar Online]
• Mariah Carey said she'd been a victim of emotional and mental abuse on Larry King Live last night: "To really get out, it was difficult because there was a connection that was not only a marriage but a business thing, where the person was in control of my life." Tommy Mottola, anyone? [CNN, People]

Protector of feminine virtue TMZ says it's had a homemade sex tape starring attractive but not smart beauty pageant loser Carrie Prejean for months. But TMZ's own sense of decency simply wouldn't allow it to be published.

Page Six ran an item today saying Sienna Miller was seen shopping in SoHo with her ex, DJ Slinky Wizard (above right). We got a tip that she was in the store with ex Balthazar Getty (left). What's the difference?